My Reflections

I wont give up....

2012-01-23T14:36:00.002+02:00

Thank you Jason Mraz - your song is my mantra right now.I Won't Give Up"Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmm ...When I look into your eyesIt's like watching the night skyOr a beautiful sunriseThere's so much they holdAnd just like them old starsI see that you've come so farTo be right where you areHow old is your soul?I won't give up on usEven if the skies get roughI'm giving you all my loveI'm still looking upAnd when you're needing your spaceTo do some navigatingI'll be here patiently waitingTo see what you find'Cause even the stars they burnSome even fall to the earthWe've got a lot to learnGod knows we're worth itNo, I won't give upI don't wanna be someone who walks away so easilyI'm here to stay and make the difference that I can makeOur differences they do a lot to teach us how to useThe tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stakeAnd in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intendFor us to work we didn't break, we didn't burnWe had to learn how to bend without the world caving inI had to learn what I've got, and what I'm notAnd who I amI won't give up on usEven if the skies get roughI'm giving you all my loveI'm still looking upStill looking up.I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)I won't give up on usEven if the skies get roughI'm giving you all my loveI'm still looking up

I am woman, hear me roar!

2011-10-28T14:38:00.000+02:00

I finally stood up to J yesterday and I’m still like “wtf?”

Background:

Last weekend was his weekend, but my dad wanted to take the girls to the Smurfs on Sunday – So I called on Monday to ask what his plans were so I would know what time to book the tickets.

I get told he is going away and is only getting back on Saturday – but will confirm by Wednesday if he is fetching the girls on Saturday OR Sunday

(Like he doesn’t have enough weekends to go away!)

So I say “can’t you take them next weekend for the whole weekend then?” He tells me no, its Month end he has stuff to do.

Anyway – weekend comes and goes – no phone calls no Jason.

He calls me last night, says “I have nothing on tomorrow night can I pick the girls up from school and drop them off on Saturday”

I said no, that he said he wasn’t taking the girls this weekend so I made plans for us – so then he says I can pick them up early then.

I still said no! I won’t allow him to treat the girls like they are “hobbies” that he does when he has nothing else to do!

I told him he either takes them for a full weekend when he is meant too or he doesn’t take them at all.

So he asked “what must I do if my friends have their birthday parties, I can’t ask them to move their birthday’s”

so I said well in that case Jase you made your choice and it wasn’t the girls!

I mean ffs I can’t pick and choose when I have the girls?

He is living the flippen high life, acting like a teenager with his jolling and the girls must just “slot in” when he has nothing on?

No ways. Not on my watch. I would rather he never see the girls then see them like that!

As it is Lem doesn’t want to go there anyway anymore because of how he has been threatening her – she is terrified he pitches up there today – but I’ve informed the school (again) not to let him fetch them unless I say so.

Then of course I had to listen to him go on about how he is a better father in one day then I am a mother in a whole month, how I do nothing for the girls other then “routine” stuff and how he has always said he will take the girls full time (please he wouldn’t last a week!)

My girls are NOT a hobby and I wont allow him to treat them like that. He can take me to court if he wants. I'll even drive him there myself!

Let it go.....

2011-10-21T14:47:00.000+02:00

I've been struggling with a few personal issues the last while.....hence my reason for being so quiet. I've been trying to make sense of it all before putting pen to paper....and to be honest not much of it makes any more sense then it did to start with. Issues with my children, the Ex and my future....At this stage I am ready just to throw my hands in the air and walk away and let the chips fall where they may.

I received this via email a few days ago....its not new, in fact I have read it many many times over the last few years but the impact is still the same. I find it a very powerful piece of writing, and can be applied to almost every aspect of ones life.

Let it go ...by T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this!

When people can walk away from you: let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you,

loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you,

staying attached to you.

I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk.

Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

People leave you because they are not joined to you.

And if they are not joined to you,

you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person,

it just means that their part in the story is over.

And you've got to know when people's

part in your story is over so that you

don't keep trying to raise the dead.

You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over.

Let me tell you something.

I've got the gift of good-bye.

It's the tenth spiritual gift,

I believe in good-bye.

It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful,

and I know whatever God means for me to have

He'll give it to me.

And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.

Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something

that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life,

then you need to LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ..

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...

LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ...

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge ..

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or

talents ..

LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude...

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new

level in Him...

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help

themselves..

LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ....

LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling

yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to...

LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past.

Forget the former things.

GOD is doing a new thing for you !!!

LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left . think about it, and then

LET IT GO!!!

Wow things have taken off!!!

2011-09-07T12:16:00.002+02:00

I posted about the work that Lem and I are going to be doing at Ikholwa...Well Nicci read my post and was inspired to start a project she has wanted to do for a while..and thats a community garden project :)
So thanks to her partner we have a piece of ground on which to farm organically grown veggies for the home as well as the seeds - and will be getting the children involved too so as to nurture and encourage important life skills.

Thanks to the Warren at The Garden Shop Bryanston who have sponsored us hand forks for the children to use while growing thier veggies :)

Then Laura chose Ikholwa as her home for which to host a Christmas Party this year.
We have set a date - the 10th December 2011 - so this is where I ask for you to remember those less fortunate and to assist in the following areas :

You can donate R100 or whatever you can afford towards a gift and food.
You can buy a gift (a child will be assigned to you - max R100)
You can buy some party food.
You can buy a gift AND some party food.
You can help out on the day

We would also like to possibly have a jumping castle for the children - so a donation of this would be so amazing!

So please, email myself (tanya@enchantedcharms.co.za) or contact Laura and lets give these precious children a Christmas to remember!

Lem and her Guitar

2011-08-29T11:32:00.004+02:00

Ever since Jeanette invited me to attend her workshop I have had this idea in my head for photos I wanted to take of Lem.

On Saturday I bought her a new guitar and as we had nothing planned for the afternoon I decided that it was the perfect oppurtunity :)

I was going for the moody / indie look lol. Lem is the queen of sulk so it was quite easy to get the look I was going for :)

This is my favourite!

Time to Give Back

2011-08-22T12:23:00.001+02:00

I have been involved in a number of charitable projects over the last few years, but have always wanted to be more involved - to spend a bit more of my time helping those less fortunate then I.I have also had so much help over the last year that I felt I needed to give a little back.

It was a couple of weeks ago that I had a whack load of the girls older clothing to give away that I tweeted Jeanette to ask if she knew where I could donate them, she suggested Ikholwa - which is not to far from where we live.

When I got there - I cant explain how I felt. It may sound crazy when I say the home spoke to me, but it really did. I felt this was where I was needed...gosh that does sound nuts :)
Anyway I contacted them and went for my interview and I am free to start volunteering as and when I wish.

They have children from babies to teens and all the children are there for different reasons, but I have chosen to work with the toddlers.

After speaking to the House Mother I decided that I will get Lem involved too. I think it would be an awesome Mother/Daughter activity for us - and I think she could learn a lot from the experience.

I honestly cant wait to get started :) The best part is once you are known and trusted by the home you are able to take children for the weekend / day trips. That will so amazing! And then there is always the chance to adopt a child as well.

I may use my blog from time to time to request help for the Ikholwa in the form of material donations as from what I now understand the funding is very limited and it does take a lot to run these homes - even the school fees need to be paid from the home itself. I thought they would get a concession but they dont.

Happy Birthday my angel!

2011-07-25T21:47:00.003+02:00

Today was Lemmie's 9th birthday - I honestly cant believe the last 9 years have gone by so quickly!

Lem has grown up into the most amazing child. We do have our personality clashes, lol, a lot of them as she is very strong willed but I know that is part of her becoming a confident take-no-shit young lady lol. She borders on the stubborn but it doesnt get her that far with me lol.

She has an awesome sense of humour, and a smile that can light up a room. She comes up with the funniest things, and then laughs her head off for ages and her laugh is so infectious.

She has born the brunt of the trauma over the last year, and before. She used to try defend me when J was attacking me and would often be pushed out the way by him, only to come back and stand in front of me to try fend him off when I couldnt. She is the peace maker. Always trying to keep the peace when I am arguing with P or with her dad.

She struggled at school just after the divorce last year but quickly overcame it to become a little star. She really tries her best and gets very upset when her marks arent what she hopes for.

I am honestly so blessed to have her - she is my little champion. The last couple of weeks a switch has been flipped - she really has come out of her shell and she is an absolute joy to be around :)

All she wanted for her birthday was a J Board - so my dad and I got her one together and my word she impressed me on it!!! She is a total natural!!!!

Happy birthday my sweetheart, hope to share many many more with you!

Cake, cake, and more cake :)

2011-07-18T13:44:00.003+02:00

Shew the last few weeks have been busy for me on Cake side...I am becoming known as the "short notice baker" I think :) :) I do love it though, I work best under pressure - I am a born procastinator so the less time I have to do something the better :)

These are the cakes I have done the last few weeks - I loved doing the Spongebob, that really pushed me a bit - I made all the little cupcake toppers myself and loved playing around with Spongebobs expressions. i did however have a slip in the front when doing the lines of the pineapple...could kick myself for that but otherwise I am happy with how it turned out. The Barbie...*sigh* I love doing those too as I love all things pretty and pink :) I just love how the icing falls naturally and creates the ruffles of the skirt. And then I let go with my glitter and flowers and pearls and and.
The Jamesons was for a friend of a friend who decided at the last minute she wanted a birthday cake :) My friend told me she hadnt had cake in about a year as she couldnt eat eggs. so..I tried, for the first time, an eggless cake. I must admit it tasted pretty good.....I may just decide to use it as the base for most of my cakes from now on.

I have another Hello Kitty and a Volcano coming up in the next two weeks...the Volcano one is going to be VERY interesting! :)

10 Things I Love about You

2011-07-11T13:37:00.003+02:00

In no particular order:

* I love that you wake me with coffee, a kiss and a smile every morning.

* I love that you wash my car EVERY week as you don’t like me driving in a dirty car.Even if I think its still clean lol.

* I love that you do the things I DON’T like doing – like clean my oven and the dishes lol.

* I love that you always take my side – unconditionally.

* I love how you enjoy and compliment each and every meal I prepare.

* I love that you always tell me how beautiful I am even when I am having a “FAT” day.

* I love how you always run my bath (with bubbles) before you shower to make sure I have enough hot water.

* I love how you love my girls.

* I love how you let me sleep in just a little longer on weekends while you wake up with the girls.

* I love your sense of humour and that you always know how to make me laugh.

I LOVE YOU!

My Beef with FNB.

2011-07-08T14:43:00.004+02:00

I have both my bonds with First National Bank - both bonds are still in both our names (Ex and I) Now the one bond is for the home I live in now - No problems with that one really. I live there, I pay the bond, simple.

Now the other bond is an investment property that J and I bought when he got a big increase at work a few years ago.

We had tenants, but for the last year I have been fighting with the agents due to short payment of rent, late payment of rent, electricity not being paid etc.
So January they were evicted after not paying for 3 months.

My ex has not been paying towards the property either, even though in the divorce agreement it quite cleary states he is responsible for 50% of the costs. He never paid his share of the shortfall when there were tenants in - From January to May he didnt pay his share of the full amoutn at all. Only in June did he make a payment. I recieved a summons that FNB were going to re-posess. I spoke to him - I asked what his plans were (now bear in mind along with a reposessions comes a 30 year black mark against your name from the High Court. )he said no plans?

He said he didnt care.

He said to take the money from the maintenance.

Ja right.

So to prevent me being ruined financially by a repossession my father paid the R18000needed to stop the reposession.

I then decided to put the property on the market through FNB's QuickSells.
Throughout this entire year of me fighthing with the tenants and the agents J has not done one thing. When the banks have called me re the short payments I tell them to call him as it is his 50% owing.They say "he told us to call you"

I get told, by the bank "we dont care about your personal problems Ms Daniels"!

Its a High Court order its NOT a personal problem!

So this last week I decide to rather take the property back as it was not going to sell and the mandate was up. If it goes to auction I am even more screwed! P and I can then attempt to take the property over and cut J out completely.
I approach FNB with the following email:

Please see attached documents as requested.

From experience I know the bank generally don’t care about a person’s personal problems (I have been told as much by staff at FNB) lol but this is something I am really hoping the bank can assist me with.

According to my divorce agreement (attached) my ex is liable for 50% of the costs on bond number ********9442. He however refuses to accept any and all responsibility towards this property. He has told me to take the money out of my maintenance every month – but I can’t. The maintenance is for my children and doesn’t even cover everything that it has to for them. To do that would be to not pay something else. Not really something I want to do. Although over the last year I have had to rob Peter to pay Paul due to non payment of maintenance from his side. I have been making all the payments to Questa Rey over the last year. Fighting with agents re non/short payments. Fighting with tenants re the same. Mr Daniels hasn’t even worried for one minute about this property or the payment thereof. He even went so far as to withdraw the rental money we received from the tenants in January from the One account to pay into his credit card. He only just this last month made an effort to pay the required payment.

I eventually had to put the property on Quick sell as the tenants were evicted and I just cannot pay for the bond on my own. I can barely make it as it is with my other expenses. Hence the reason the One Account is in arrears by a month. My dad sold some shares in order to pay the R17 000 arrears on Questa Rey last month.

He is now threatening to go overseas and work for a humanitarian organisation – therefore not earning a salary therefore not paying me maintenance. He is threatening this as he is “tired of paying me maintenance”. And “wants me to lose everything and be the reason for it”. I have sms and email proof of this. Apparently he has already resigned.

I am looking after two children and it is a battle for me every month to meet the commitments that I have – never mind now having to pay the full bond on Questa Rey.

I do however now have someone that is willing to assist me in paying the bond on Questa Rey..IF I can get tenants. He is willing to assist me in paying the shortfall between the rental and the bond repayment. Him and I will then do a substitution of Debtor when my situation improves.

I would like FNB’s assistance with the following:

1 – If the property does not sell on Quick Sell, I want to take the property back and find tenants. I fear the property going on auction – as my ex will NOT pay towards the shortfall and I don’t have the means to pay the full shortfall nor do I have the means to keep taking him to court. Nor do I think it fair. That could potentially ruin me forever if the property sells for 100/200k below what I owe FNB.

2 – If FNB do agree for me to take the property back – I would like them to agree to a payment holiday for 3 – 4 months in order to give me time to find tenants.

I am truly hoping that FNB are able to assist me in this situation, I have done the best I can with what I have had. My father has put 1000’s into this property and he just can’t anymore.

I really would like to keep it as an investment for my children which was the initial plan when Mr Daniels and I purchased the property. I have been through so much at the hands of this man the last year and this is one area where I require assistance from FNB in order to prevent any further financial problems which could potentially cripple myself and put myself and my daughters , literally, out on the streets.

I look forward to your favourable response,

I get a call back. And you know what thier answer is??

No.

Just like that.

No.

"Because there is not enough equity in the property" They tell me.

So - a bank as large as FNB are not willing to help me. Not willing to help me when I have done EVERYTHING in my power to honour my agreements. I dont think I am asking for a lot? I dont think I am being that unreasonable in my request?

I NEED HELP!

So...FNB...How can we help you?????? #epicfail!

I've started sewing again :)

2011-06-28T13:23:00.003+02:00

Sewing was always something I did under guidance from my mom. She was a master!lol. She made most of my clothes as a child. My Debutantes Ball dress, my Matric dance dress, my evening gowns for dances at University. She even made my wedding dress. After she passed away I just couldnt. I had no inclination. This past weekend I was looking at some of my fabric I had stored and I just had this urge to get-a-sewing :)

I made these two tops for Lem - and shame she was so happy that I had made them for her and "I'm going to tell EVERYONE at school Mom". It was a real *puffy heart* moment and the joy in sewing is coming back :) I cant actually wait now to find the time to make some more things for her :)

I must admit that when I was done and it all worked the first thing I wanted to do was show my mom. I just smiled knowing that she is watching me and I hope what I made met with her approval. Although when I took some shortcuts I could almost hear her "NO Tanya - that isnt what I taught you!" pmsl. lol Love you mom.

A year later, and I am finally divorced!!

2011-06-17T13:46:00.002+02:00

Ok that may sound a bit strange, considering I was officialy divorced in May last year (I survived a year...yay me!) But the real truth is I was never "mentally" divorced.

Now that doesn't mean I wish I had stayed married - it means that I was still clinging to the hope that J and I could have had some sort of normal relationship. That we could still have a "friendship" as honestly when we were on a good wicket it was good. I wanted that so badly for the girls too. Not to have J and I at each others throats.

I was scared too to upset him incase he "up and left" like he has been threatening to do, leaving me and the girls on the streets as we can NOT survive without his maintenance.

But - I have finally realised, a year later that the less I have to do with him the better.
I have finally realised that I would rather NOT have him in my life, in any form.
He adds absolutely no value to my life and does nothing more other then cause stress for me, problems for me and P (another post needed for this one) and heartache for the girls.

What caused this turn around from my part? Well I am ashamed to say. I did something I thougth I would NEVER do.

Two weeks ago J asked if he could take Lem go-karting the one afternoon after school. I said sure. Then - on the day - the bank called to ask me when we were going to pay this months installment on the property J and I co-own (it is on the market) I told them I (my dad) had just paid R18 000 to bring it up to date and I had nothing more. They were to ask J as I just could not pay anything to wards it.
Later that day I asked J if they had called, he said yes. So I said "and??" and the response I got was:

Really, I’m not sure what to do…have the judgement made…get my share payouts in july and just leave with the other judgements…and when I come back…face all of it…just do not feel like being here anymore…

My Reply:
My dad just paid R17 000 two weeks ago into that place.
You KNOW there are no tenants.

Yet you just REFUSE to stand up to your responsibilities as far as that place is concerned??? Even tho by NOT doing so is in violation of a court order??
I do NOT understand it???? WTF are you trying to prove????

His Reply:

I don’t think you’re gonna get it until I leave and disappear for a year…and then you’ll appreciate the fact that I don’t owe u anything, not by court order, not by law, not by ethics…I wanna feel the same….so u can carry on singing the same old song…u told me to get over it, I’m over it…I’ll make the same heartless and crappy decisions you made, but ones where I benefit….so all I can really say is, get over it T…anyways, I’ll be leaving my credit card and maybe furniture city unpaid when I leave too…

I must tell you I completely flipped!! Completely!! I told him that if he could not stand up to his responsibilities then there was NO WAY he was going to see Lem that day as it was NOT his weekend.

Yup. I went there. I stooped that low. I used the kids as a pawn after promising myself I would never, ever, ever do it!

I felt so crap I called J straight away to apologise, but he wouldnt hear of it.

What followed was a barrage of sms's like this:

Say bye to them for me! I wont be seeing them again this year…note you can really be happy! I’ll go resign now…and thank you…..

From today, I wish you the worst. I have a feeling you will get what you deserve. Every miserable moment. Remember that I wished it!

You kwno what..you're a miseerable bag. gonna really laugh my ass off with all the misery you bringing onto yourself.
BOOOO!!!!

nothing to say? Good. Just know when shit happens, I've wished it! and soon ,when you lose everything? I'll revel in it!

I could go on but I think you get the gist. He then said he wouldnt be seeing the girls for at least a year and that he would email my bosses claiming I am harrassing him.(no sense right?)

I know I was wrong, so wrong in doing what I did, I acted out of extreme anger with no thought of the consequences.
But after I received those sms's? I had my IT at work block his email - he cant email me anymore and he hasnt even tried to contact myself or the girls on my phone.

The point of this post is finally I see how I DON'T need him. Finally I realise that him and I can NOT have any form of relationship, at all. Ever.
Finally I see that I should have mentally divorced him a year ago as well as legally.

I'm just sorry it took me so long to see it! There has been a lot of heartache and tears along this path.

Funny how things CAN work out :)

2011-06-13T14:46:00.002+02:00

I got an email from a friend of mine last week Tuesday asking if she could pass my details on to a work colleague as he needed a cake for his sons birthday - I said of course!
lol.

Turns out he needed a cake for the Sunday - 5 days time, and he wanted a Roary the Race Car.

Bearing in mind I have never done a 3D cake like this before - I accepted the challenge *gulp*

I figured out what cakes I needed to bake to get the required shape - and then it was the icing. Oh the icing! I had to colour white icing red - so it took a fair amount of dye to do this - which meant the icing dried out. Which meant that the first 6-8 tries to get the icing over the cake resulted in a cracked mess that I couldnt fix.

I was just about to give up and fake my own death as I didnt think I could get this cake done..when..it worked!!!!

I must admit I am very pleased with the result and I learnt a lot in the process. The father was most impressed when I delivered and shame he even called me last night to thank me again. I was literaly beaming from ear to ear :)

Here is a pic of my version of Roary the Race Car :)

Irritated with the system!

2011-05-30T14:47:00.000+02:00

I sometimes wonder who our maintenence system and divorce system was actually designed for. I often just shake my head at the challenges I have to face asking for what is necessary for me to sustain some form of decent lifestyle.

Sorry I've been MIA but I havent had internet at home and I dont get access at work and its a nightmare to update via my BB :(

Its in my Divorce Agreement that the maintenance is supposed to go up annually by the CPI. I have an Emolument order (similar to a garnishee) against J's salary. So, logical thinking is that I should just be able to go to the maintenance courts with my Divorce agreement -they see what was ordered and the Emolument is amended -right?

Wrong!

From what the lady at the maintenance court says I have to basically re-apply? I need to provide 6 months bank statements, 6 months payslips plus the last 6 months expenses in triplicate.

Do you have any idea how much paper work that all is? Even my slips that I've kept I need to copy in triplicate.

Not only that but they want letters from the school confirming the fee increase.

I guess I'm just irritated because its a heck of a lot of work for a couple hundred rands extra, and I literally mean a couple! And I also dont really understand the logic behind it, I'm NOT applying for extra per say - its what is stated in agreement???

lol I dunno perhaps you can help me see things differently as you so often have before :)

Its Over....

2011-05-03T13:12:00.000+02:00

I dont even know where to begin with this post as so much has happened the last few days.

For those that have seen my FB lately they will know that P and I are no longer together. It came as much as a shock to me as anyone else. I honestly thought that he was the one. My knight in shining armour.

This post is more about trying to sort this all out in my head and try make sense of what actually happened.

The story goes back to around October last year when I found out P had been having "conversations" with a woman on FB. And they weren't exactly talking about the weather if you know what I mean.

My trust in P took a serious knock right about then. I became naturally suspicious of him - as he worked from home he was online at home the whole day. I became so supicious in fact I installed a monitoring programe on his pc - similar to what you use to monitor your childrens usage. I am ashamed of this but I just had to know what was going on.

I found out via the screen shots taken by this program that he was indeed talking to another woman. I cant even tell you what that did to me. I lost all trust in him right then. I knew I would never completely trust him again.

Fast forward to this last Thursday - I got a summons that the bank are repossessing the investment property that J and I still own together as J has not been paying his share of the bond.

So Friday I have an argument with J about the summons, he refuses point blank to pay anything. He then starts an argument with P - sending emails and sms's that were quite frankly VERY below the belt. P decides he is leaving me, thats it, he cant take any more. I dont fight it as quite frankly he should not have to take that and I can not stop J. P has had to put with a heck of a lot at J's hands and everyone has a breaking point.
I went out to a friend as he wanted to pack in peace. I got home later that night to find him passed out on my couch and he had left his FB open. And guess what??? A message from HER. About how much she loves him.

Thats when I lost it and woke him up - i told him if he wanted her he can have her. I have NO interest in him whatsoever anymore.

He left my house the following morning. I then sent that woman a msg and wasnt so nice about what I had to say - turns out P has made me out to be a real gem! I use him as a glorified baby sitter, I dont give him whats rightfully his, I dont give him any money (ummmm..he wasnt earning any!) I need a personality transplant...and so on. You get the picture. And he did tell her he needed to work on mine and his relationship - but he got hold of her a few weeks ago again - he was in love with her and couldnt get her out of his head.

I decided right then and there thats it. I cant do this anymore. I told him to get out of my house. Right now he has nowhere to go. He asked to sleep in my shed - he has asked for spare change. But I cant do it. He is blaming me for everything - blaming my "relationship" with J, blaming it on the kids, you name it.

He told me that I have done to him what I couldnt do to J and that I hope he was worth it. So I asked if she was worth it. He said "Yes, at least she listened"

So he can go sleep in her shed. Oh wait. She's in the UK. Well? too bad. I honestly feel like a monster - BUT - I cant take him back. Not now.

In the future? I dont know. I dont know if I will ever ever trust him again.

But now that I read all of that.....is that really enough to end a relationship over? Really enough to kick someone out that has no where to go?
Could there ever be a chance at happiness for us again?

My head and my heart are at war. My head is saying let him go. You can never trust him. My heart is saying but you love him. He did love you. He did show it.

I dont know. I just don't know

The cost of fun.

2011-04-28T12:57:00.001+02:00

Yes this post is once again about financial stuff but thats pretty much in the forefront of my mind all the time lol.

Hence of the reasons I haven't posted in so long is I couldnt pay the Telkom account lol *sigh*

You know when the girls go to J they have a ball of a time. He can afford to take the girls to Gold Reef City and to movies and for take outs.
Me? I just can't. What I would pay on one day out like that would feed us for a week. So Dad is always the "Cool Dad".

So I try keep us busy at home - I hire the girls a DVD, we bake, we do beading, we take the dogs for a walk. We go to "free" places like Emmarentia and feed the ducks but that becomes "boring" for them rather quickly. Sometimes I also want to be the "Cool Mom" you know? The Mom that takes them to interesting places and shows them new things.

With the long weekend we have just had I was glad that J had the girls for at least 2 days - I was searching for places to take them that wouldn't cost me an arm and a leg, and seriously - I don't know how places that would make for a fun family day out can justify the entrance fees they charge. Unless its because I don't have that much to spend that is seems excessive? I know there are running costs etc - but they just seem beyond the reach of the normal family - like they are geared for the tourist?

Just as an example:
Lion and Rhino Reserve - R460 for a family of four
Lion Park - R390 for a family of four
Johannesburg Zoo - R160 for a family of four
Pretoria Zoo - R180 for a family of four
Gold Reef City - R500 for a family of four Movies - R196 for four tickets.
Monkey Sanctuary Harties - R580 for a family of four

I can't see how (with exception of the zoo) that any of those days out could cost under R1000 as you would still need to pay for breakfast/lunch and other little things throughout the day that the kids ask for lol.

Lol my girls and I are just going to have to be creative as far as entertainment goes for a little while longer :)

I'll help you....but..!

2011-03-30T13:24:00.000+02:00

Since my divorce (actually prior to) my financial status has been anything but satisfactory. My ex stopped any form of financial support a month or two before my divorce and then after the divorce for about 3 months or so until I got a garnishee order in place I never recieved anything. Now he earns 6 x what I do - my expenses did not drop just because he moved out - so I am sure you can imagine what kind of damage going those 6 months without any support from him did to me financially.

I am still in a very precarious situation - I owe money almost everywhere, lol. I do not answer my cell if it is an unknown number. I am still a few thousand short every month to meet my most basic commitments. lol I am robbing Peter to pay Paul right now lol.

I have sold almost everything I can. My Orbitrek excercise machine, my sewing machine, books, and just this morning my gorgeous 8 seater dining room suite.

There have however been a few people that have done so much to help me that I am forever grateful for. I am truly truly blessed to have people like this in my life.

* My dad - he has given me what he can when he can - no conditions.

* I had a good friend that paid my girls school fee's in January because I could not due to me not having recieved rental on my other property and I had to pay the full bond - no conditions.

* I cancelled Lemon's birthday party last year because I just could not afford it. A friend of mine that I know from an online Mom's forum (I have probably only physically ever seen her once or twice) sent me enough money to pay for her entire party. No conditions.

* I was speaking to my best friend a few days before Saige's birthday two weeks ago telling her how dissapointed I was that I just couldnt afford to get Saige what she REALLY wanted for her birthday, a bike. This friend went and bought Saige a bike. Just like that. When she is a single mom too and battling as much as I am. No conditions.

* Friend 3 and 4 above are bringing some snacks along to Saige's birthday party on Saturday. In fact I have had a few offers. No conditions.

Now the reason I put "no conditions" behind all the above is because I have had an offer of help. From someone I never thought would put any conditions behind wanting to help me.

My brother.

Yes, he has arrived and it is wonderful having him home for a bit BUT....

A few weeks ago he asked me how I was doing financially. I said "shit" . lol. So he asked me to send him my budget - which I did because I thought maybe he could see some ways to cut down that I couldnt?

He then said he can "help" me with some cash to meet some of my arrear payments..WITH CONDITIONS.
I need to prove that what I am paying for Saige's schooling is the "cheapest" (its actually bang on average) and I need to prove my levy payments and I have to explain why there's a special levy for the complex, cancel my home phone (which I did anyway) and so on and so on.

My brother does not have kids, he has NO idea what is involved in looking after them.
I am not going to go through the rest of the list but the decision I have made is he can keep his money.

Please dont think I expect hand outs, believe me I dont. In fact quite the contrary. I'm just a bit upset that friends have helped me like they have with "no conditions" but he is.

I dont know whether I am just being sensitve about this, but considering the help I have had from people outside of my family with "no conditions" ....I was kind of expecting the same from family.

Finally.....

2011-03-16T12:44:00.001+02:00

My website is up and running :)

Its been up about 2 weeks but our ADSL line at home has been down so havent been able to do anything online :( WAY behind in my blog reading too but I will catch up asap!

It still needs some work - like an actual shopping basket but I am really struggling with the coding for that - just cant figure it out. But...I will :) :)

So here it is :) Enchanted Charms.Take a peek? And pls feel free to leave me a comment with any feedback or suggestions? More then anything I want this to work! lol.

TIA :)

How honest do you really need to be?

2011-02-17T20:59:00.003+02:00

A question was raised on a Mommy forum I chat on - although the scenario surrounding the question was different, the question still applies to me.

How honest do you really need to be with your children? How much "glossing" over do you really need to be to protect them from the "nasties" of grown up life?

Since the divorce this is an issue I have struggled with a great deal. There have been many times I have wanted to tell Lem EXACTLY what her dad is doing / has done - but then I think to myself that he is still her dad, her hero. Don't tarnish that image that she has of him. He deserves that respect.

Or does he?

Right now he is in Cape Town for a week to see the U2 Concert. He took Lem last week to the Johannesburg show as well.
I can't help but feel a pang of jealousy that he is seeing them twice, once in a another city and I couldnt afford to see them once.
It was due to this jealousy that him and I had a huge argument on Monday night, as he got Lemon home at 1.30am Monday morning - he said he didnt want to keep her with him as he was going to work. So we all have a really long day on Monday only having got to bed at 1.30 - and he slept till after lunch!
The result of our argument was that he was leaving. He was going to work in Zambia as a missionary earning peanuts as he cant "take me and my shit" anymore.

I wish I had a "rolly eyes" icon. Better yet I wish I had R1 for everytime he has threatened that. Everything that he has now is what he asked for.
He wanted to be alone as he would be so much happier without me.
Really??

So he has requested that I now think of him as dead. He wants nothing more to do with me (which means the kids too incase he doesnt realise) and we must have a happy life.
Till when?
Till he decides to one day play dad again?
He does not realise what he is doing to these kids! As much as I respect that he is the father of my children (note - I didnt say I respected him) that brings me back to my original question -

How honest do I reallly need to be?

Got some FAB news today!!

2011-02-09T21:05:00.002+02:00

Finally a bit of happy!! :) :)

My brother, who lives in Perth, will be here for a week at the end of March!!! Eeeeeeek I am so excited!!!!

I was chatting to his girlfriend today and she said "I am sure you are thrilled to have him home for a bit" - I was like "whaaaat" ?? Bbm'd him and yup = he will be here March 25th :)

I haven't seen him since November 2009 when we scattered my moms ashes.. Last year was probably the toughest year of my life with the divorce and custody case and everything else - I so badly wanted him here to help me through it....Although he is my baby brother he has, in the last few years, been my rock. The voice of reason amidst the craziness and emotion.

And the best part is he will be here for Saige's 3rd birthday party :) He has only ever been to one of my kids birthday parties and that was Lem's third.

Cant wait for you to be here Boetie!!!!

It's the little things....

2011-02-05T23:06:00.002+02:00

We were watching Knight and Day this evening (Diaz and Cruise) and Cameron Diaz was given a truth serum and was talking about Knight (Cruise) and how its the little things he does that are so special. Amidst my giggling (she's really quirky) I got thinking about it. And that is so true.

Next Friday is mine and P's first anniversary of when we met. I can't believe its been a year...and we are still so comfortable and at ease with each other...its natural?

I'm quite happy to admit I have found my soulmate.
And I love him as much now as I did when I first fell in love. Why?

It could be because our birthday is on the same day....because we are so alike and we know each other as we know ourselves.

But,

Its the little things.

Its when he wakes up before me in the morning and makes me coffee and (if early enough) runs me a bath - and he wakes me with a kiss and a backrub :)
Its making the kids breakfast, every morning.
Its when he helps get the girls ready for school....tag team :)
Its when he spends hours cleaning my car, inside and out.
Its making sure I have a cup of coffee every morning in my travel mug for my drive to work.
Its bringing me a cup of coffee for the drive home when he fetches me from work.
Its when he wakes up early on weekends with the girls and lets me sleep in.
Its when he scrubs my back every night when I have a bath :)
Its when he washes the dishes every night.
Its when he sits with Lem every night practising her guitar chords.
Its when he pops out to the shop at 10pm because I forgot to buy smokes on the way home.

All of these cost nothing...but time. And that is one thing he is willing to give 100% of.....to me.
And to my girls.

We really are a team. And a dam good one. I'm still trying to get used to it - I never had anyone give as much time and be so willing to help before.

But I like it :) And I love him for it :)

There is never a winner when it comes to divorce....

2011-01-26T22:18:00.002+02:00

I've been thinking about this quite a bit this week.

When referring to a divorce case/maintenance or custody hearing Someone always "wins". But what exactly is it that you have won?

No-one goes into a marriage wanting to be a divorcee. Wanting to seperate from the person you once could not live without.

Sometimes the fairy tale ends. It ends in Divorce.

Most will say thier divorce was amicable. Really?
I battle to understand how that can truly be the case. One party will always hold resentment towards the other for what ever transgression may have caused the divorce in the first place. Yes, the terms may have been amicable but I really doubt your feelings will be.

Everyone who knows my story thinks I am a winner by getting divorced. By getting out of an abusive (on all levels) marriage. I'm giggling to myself as I write this because I'm thinking if I was really a winner I would have seen the signs and not got married in the first place.

Yes on my day in court I "won". The marriage was ended in the way I wanted. I got the terms I wanted.
I now had the freedom to start living my life with my girls that I should have been living all along.
I had the oppurtunity to start building a life with the most wonderful man who had come into my life as if he had been sent by an angel.

Yet that came with an expensive price tag - and a sadness. Not for me.

For my girls having to live with a *twice a month if he can fit them into his schedule* dad. A dad that has withheld maintenance from me because he is so angry that I have found someone else that really knows how to treat a woman (he would have still had me had he listened for all those years)
For my girls having to see me cry because I have literally sometimes not known where the next meal is coming from. For them not being able to go to birthday parties because I can't buy presents. Heck for them not being able to have thier own parties.

For them having to listen to vague masked comments from friends and family about how much better off I am without him (confusing much?)

For them knowing that thier dad was trying to take them away from me (unsettling much?)

For me. For me wanting to still maintain some kind of a relationship with "him" (its better for everyone surely?) That I will allow myself to be drawn in only to be stabbed in the back again when "it" uses info given in casual conversation to once again kick me down. Now? I am so bitter, angry and resentful there will never be anything other then the girls between us again.

For years I heard how much better off he would be without me. How much happier he would be. How he couldnt wait to live his life as a single man.

There was a race to the finish as to who would get out first.

I "won"

Or did I ?

My Jewellry

2011-01-20T20:53:00.004+02:00

As requested :) Here are some pics of the jewellry that I make and sell - They can be either single, double, triple or quadruple stranded Name Bracelets and in virtually any colour imaginable. I once had a grand mother order 9 different colours each with a name of one of her nine grandchildren :)

Christening Bracelet

My big seller right now is my Twilight bracelet - each charm representing a pivotal part of the saga :)

Visit my page on FB for more of what I do :) Enchanted Charms :)

I have a dream....

2011-01-19T21:10:00.003+02:00

Well two actually. And although neither of them necessarily depends on the other,the one would be far easier if the other came to fruition :)

I want to live at the coast. Dream no 1
And I want to be a work-from-home-mom.

The 2 weeks I spent at Uvongo were nothing short of amazing!!! As a Cancerian (well was...now a Gemini according to the new signs but I'll stick with Cancer thanks :) ) I am happier at the coast as Cancerians are
ruled by the moon and the moon's influence is strongest at the ocean. It.really.is :)

Clambering around the rocks with my girls, showing them things, exploring, poking around...THAT is how I want so spend my days! Sitting on the patio watching the moon shine its silver glow over the Ocean.

I have given myself a time-line - and that is in 3 years I want to be living by-de-see.

As for working from home? Well there a few interests I have that hopefully will generate an income.
First one is Photography. This is a scarey one. lol. I have a lot of friends that are the most incredible photographers - but photography has always been an interest of mine and judging by my research - there arent that many lifestyle photographers at the coast. So for now my route down this road is to learn my camera...well not my camera as such but rather learn the settings and what they do. Right now I have a vague idea lol.
That is the reason I have revived my photo blog. Please pay a visit? I would appreciate any and all feedback!

Secondly is my jewellry. I have been on a roll since Xmas and it is steadily maintaining. I just need that breakthrough for it to be viable enough as an income rather then pocket money.

So thats it. I have a dream. One that I feel I really really could reach. One that I NEED to reach. For me. For once!

No Tv

2011-01-18T21:48:00.002+02:00

When we got back from holiday our DSTV decoder was broken...I gave it to J last week (he works for them) and he said he would have it repaired. Turns out...he had no intention of giving it back. As my DSTV account was on his staff account (can kinda compare it to Cable for my US readers) he cancelled that too and I can not afford to get my own account so thats that.

So, for 3 weeks we have had no TV. And to be honest? I dont miss it? I dont even think the kids do? i find we have far more time now to spend together. We watch a movie in the evening - and before that I really spend time with the kids and I'm loving it! I cant see me rushing to get any form of TV anytime soon!

I got Lem a 1500 piece puzzle 3 yrs ago fro xmas and we just started it :)We both got so absorbed in it we didnt even realise we worked half an hour into her bedtime!

This is how it will be when its done :) I cant wait! I am going to frame it for her room :)

It just never ever ends!

2011-01-13T21:49:00.001+02:00

I had a day from hell today again!
J and I still have a joint account at FNB (its a One account..the bond account on my house but its also a cheque account. Until i take the property over its in both names)
Genassist put through a double debit order in December and refunded me to the FNB account (I now use my ABSA account) and the rent for the 2nd property we own goes in there too.

I asked J to pls change the cell phone number for the internet banking to my cell number so I could get my insurance refund out (I was banking on that money to get me through the rest of the month) as well as transfer the rental monies to the bond as they were paid late and the debit order bounced.

He has been flat out ignoring me for two days - I went to teh bank today to draw a statement, he has transferred all the money to his account. My refund as well as the rental money.

When I emailed him he said basically F*k you, its "my" money.

He has left me with 55 cents

The worst is now Lem was crying cos I promised her new school shoes today and I cant get them and the kids are teasing her cos her shoes are broken F**k I hate him!

But - every dog has his day right?

PS Don't forget to comment on my previous post :)

My first blog Meme

2011-01-06T13:38:00.000+02:00

Inspired by Angel

With this blog post, I promise to send something I have made with my own two hands to the first 5 people who leave a comment on this post saying they would like to take part.
Here’s how it works.
1.The blogger posting the offer must send something to the 5 commenters before the end of 2011.
2.What is sent to the commenters must be handmade by the blogger.
3.The commenters who ask to take part must post the same offer on their blogs, and then send something handmade to the five commenters who ask to take part, and so on and so on.

How does that sound!?!

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, its off to the sea we go :)

2010-12-16T22:33:00.002+02:00

We are leaving for the coast in the morning for a two week holiday and I must tell you I am SO excited I can hardly contain myself :) :)

Growing up my parents and I were always on holiday - my parents saved and saved so we could go away caravanning for 3/4 weeks over December and went away a few times during the year too :)
some of my best memories of my childhood are of our caravanning holidays over December.

Last December when my dad and I were sitting at dinner on New Years mourning my mom - I said to him I did not want to be at home for this xmas and that we should go away - our holiday was booked shortly after that :)

I haven't been away in December for about 15 years and I cant wait to just relax with P, the girls and my dad :) :)

Being Cancerian I am truly happiest at the sea side - I feel an overwhelming sense of calm and peace while there :)

We will be staying here

Isn't it gorgeous :)
I have 3G so will be catching up with all you peeps while away :)

Bye for now
XXXX

It's always about the money!

2010-12-14T22:57:00.002+02:00

So I picked the girls up tonight after thier stint away at thier dad.

Its sooo good to have them back.....except the tantrums cos I wont allow them to do what dad let them do..like stay up till 2am!

And Lem came home with some earrings from Disneyland that ex-sil bought for her...four pairs at $100 a pair! lol it wasnt my money at least - I think its nuts?

Aaaaand then the customary argument with J at the pick-up cos I asked him to help me pay for Lem's stationery and new uniforms for next year......of course he said no.....he said to take it from the maintenance. He just doesn't get it! The Maintenance is for normal monthly expenses...not for expenses like this. I really think its unfair he expects me to foot the bill when he earns 6x what I do?

He says that I am going on holiday on Friday - I could have bought stationery. Yes, I am going on holiday but it was booked and paid for a year ago when we were still married - AND I actually have no spending money anyway AND my dad is paying for the petrol..lol. TG for the beach....just praying for good weather otherwise I have no idea what we will be doing while we are there lol - except driving each other crazy! hehe.

I honest to God wish that I earned enough to not need his money! He has all the power as far as thats concerned and he knows it! It downright grates my very last nerve!

He still hasnt seen the girls.

2010-12-07T21:00:00.002+02:00

From the week before the court case. That was well over a month ago! He has not called, or seen them. Even for Saige's Christmas concert he was a complete No-Show.

I honestly can not believe this from him. The girls have cried real tears for him and I have nothing to tell them.

Well - I confronted him about it last week. Apparantly he has been going through a "tough time". Excuse me while I snort=laugh! The silly shit has NO idea what a tough time is!

But - he asked if he could take the girls this weekend.
His older sister is out from California for the month, she hasnt been here for 7 years...........my first instinct was to yell NO its MY weekend (I've been keeping track) but I took a step back and thought for the girls it would be the right thing to let them go. He will have them from Friday to Tuesday......and I am panicking a bit..never been without them for that long...........

It is hard to just let him waltz back in to their life when he has been out of it for so long...I wonder if he will keep it up and not just blow in and out as he feels like it.

I Won!!!!!!

2010-10-28T21:00:00.000+02:00

I don't think its really hit me yet that its over? I found emails from 2006 where he had been threatening this!

So Paul, my dad, my attourney and I arrived at the courts this morning, J shortly after. Alone.We waited for about 2 1/2 hours before the magistrate saw us, lol J looked more uncomfortable as the time moved on.

My attourney presented my affidavit and she requested a 30 min recess so she could go through it. As soon as I saw she was an older WOMAN magistrate I immediately felt loads better!!!!

I know what Jase had presented to the courts, and honestly it was a two page affidavit of loosely put together BS and one really lame email which actually proved nothing- I had a real kick ass affidavite that counted every one of his accusations (THANKS C!!!) 8 character references, emails from Jase where he admitted to the abuse and where he wanted to resign to avoid paying me etc etc. I also had a letter from the girls school where they really went to a lot of trouble and did a full assessment - basically saying the girls are happy and well adjusted.

So we get called back in. The magistrate said straight off the bat " Mr and Ms Daniels, I must just tell you this is not a matter that I can adjudicate" Immediately I thought *F..K*. Then she said that as per the Childrens Act, if a parenting plan is made an order of the High Court as in the case of a divorce, then any application to change it must be brought to the High Court. "And I must tell you Mr Daniels, by reading what you have put forward here it is of my opinion that you have NO grounds to do so and you must know that an application like that WILL bankrupt you"

I swear I wanted to start laughing right then and there!! She said it is an extremely lengthy process and that the High Court will not even consider such an application if the parties concerned have not been either for Mediation or to the Family advocate, and that the Family Advocate process takes about 8-12 months. Jase then asked her if the other party (i.e Me) would be legally obligated to go this route should he request it, she asked me if it was in my divorce agreement - I said No. she then told him the same.

She then went on to tell him that the maintenance order is also a High Court order and by him not paying he is commiting a criminal offence and unless he wants to go to Jail he should pay up and that the maintenance is for the children and not for me. She then said that she could only intervene in this case IF there was shown to be physical abuse to the children. So he says "Well there is but I don't know how frequent it is" So then she said " Mr Daniels, I have read your affidavit, and you must know that in SA it is NOT illegal to give your child a hiding, and there is a vast difference between a hiding and abuse and you should know the difference"
Another "pmsl" moment.

Thats the short version, everything is still swimming around in my head, lol. But she basically berated him. She honestly made him out to be such an idiot for even considering it. She said that the magistrate courts are too easy - people just fill in forms and expect the case to be heard/adjudicated.

I wont forget when on Saturday he told me that he WILL get the girls that I have NO chance.

As much hell as this whole process was...I believe I am better off for it. I fought with everything I had (in the affidavit) and I came out on top - I get my girls He now knows that unless he has a couple of 100 thousand lying around he wont get them. Ever.

I really do believe though that the case I put forward in the form of my affidavit, character references and emails I had saved and the reports from the school made all the difference. Had I not had that I feel she may have referred it for further opinion. I was completely prepared and showed how serious I was and that under no circumstance is he to get the girls.

I ripped that smug smile right off his face today......when we left the magistrates office he said to me "I want to speak to you about mediation" I just said "Speak to my attourney" and walked off.

I took my power back !

The fight of my life begins on Thursday - 28th October

2010-10-26T20:24:00.003+02:00

The court date is on Thursday.

Everyone is telling me not to worry. But I can not help it. I am beyond scared right now.

I have gone over Jason's statement more times then I care count.
My logic tells me that his claims are totally warped - most of which are taken completely out of context. Most are just plain ridiculous.

I will share some of his statement with you.
*Excessive alcohol consumed during all periods of day and night
*I allow my 2 year old to consume alcohol
*I was physically abusive to him
*My house is filthy and unhygenic
*I was unable to collect or drop off the kids at the house (ummm..you didn't have a drivers license???)
*My children dont brush thier teeth (you know this how?)
*Saige has emphazima (umm...its excema you dick!)
*I do not contribute financially to any of the girls expenses (WTF!! You havent paid maintenenace for 3 months!)
*I am emotionally unstable.

I have prepared a rather lengthy counter affidavit and I really believe that I have countered every one of his accusations - and proved them to be factless and they were made out of nothing more then jealousy.

I have been googling as much as I can to prepare myself for this process, and what I have found has given me a bit of a boost.

Is it possible to alter a Permanent Parenting Plan?
It is difficult to alter a Parenting Plan after it is final. Usually, it may be changed if the parents agree to the change. If the parents do not agree, the court may make major adjustments, such as who the child lives with, only if a major change has occurred in the life of the child or the other parent since the original Parenting Plan was final. It is not sufficient that the parent wanting the change thinks that his or her life has improved so much that the children should now live with him or her.

Should the parents not agree on the change, one of these things must have occurred before the court will order a change in where the child lives:
• The child has gone to live with one parent for an extended period of time with permission of the other parent.
• The parent who does not want the change has been held in contempt of court, or that parent has been convicted of interfering with the other parent's time with the child.
• The child's present life with a parent has been shown to be physically or emotionally harmful.

I think I have a pretty strong case just based on the above?

And then I found:

When considering an application contemplated above the court must take into account the best interests of the child, the relationship between the applicant and the child, and any other relevant person and the child, the degree of commitment that the applicant has shown towards the child, the extent to which the applicant has contributed towards expenses in connection with the birth and maintenance of the child, and any other fact that should, in the opinion of the court, be taken into account. If in the course of the court proceedings it is brought to the attention of the court that an application for the adoption of the child has been made by another applicant, the court must request a family advocate, social worker or psychologist to furnish it with a report and recommendations as to what is in the best interests of the child, and may suspend the first-mentioned application on any conditions it may determine

I really dont want to give myself false hopes, but with J's abusive behaviour in the past, his non payment of maintenance, his complete lack of attention to the girls prior to the divorce......I can not see how he will even get close to being granted custody?

After the court case I will copy and paste both affidavits. I have also got numerous references from close friends and family stating how difficult he has been making my life and how abusive he has been to me, not only during our marriage but after - and that I am a good mom!

Please - if you have any good vibes to spare - send them my way on the 28th?

How much more?

2010-09-24T22:27:00.003+03:00

So after last weeks episode J has now decided to sue me for custody. He has applied for an emergency custody order.

He asked that I give him the girls for 3 months to *sort myself out* and that he would give them back after the 3 months? When I said no he then went ahead with the court application.

I am absolutely finished! There is no way in hell he is getting these girls! For those that have been reading my blog for a while you will know exactly the kind of things he has done - I can't see how a judge would award that to him? But there is also that nagging feeling that *just maybe*

Apparantly I will be getting a summons on Monday to appear in court during the course of next week. Part of me doesnt really believe him as he has been threatening this the last few months. But, I have my game face on and I will fight for my girls. I will fight for as long as it takes.

I have started preparing my arsenal for the war and right now I believe mine looks pretty good - if what my attourney has told me is anything to go by.

So, yet anothe battle I need to fight due to this man. He is saying P is the bad one he doesnt want around the kids hence the fight.

But - P is no longer around. So I really find his claim baseless. But I suppose right now its not up to me.

If he gets my girls he takes my life away.

The end of a dream....

2010-09-21T21:11:00.000+03:00

Ok - to start at the beginning, P had a bit of a drinking problem but it was something I thought we could work on you know? That now that I had given him a home and a family it would be enough for him?

Thursday he found out that his 2 children in the UK were taken away from the mother by social services, so he started drinking. Despite that we had a really great evening? Then J sms'd me to say he had left P a voice message and that the two of them were going to have issues (the blow up between them was ineveitable) Then I asked P what happened? He called J and was a downright ass. J then pitched up here - for the next hour I had to stop J tryhing to get into the house at P and P trying to get out at J. My dad was called, the cops were called. I managed to get the kids out the house and we went next door to the neighbours. I managed to get hold of P's brother and he came to fetch him.

That was the end of our relationship.

Then yesterday P came back here to get his things, I went to work. He stayed..and got drunk again. My dad was going to call the police again to have him arrested - I told my dad please can we not rather offer him help? I came here with my dad and we offered him to go with my dad to his house and that my dad would book him in somewhere for help. He said no. I told him to leave.
he left here still blind drunk.
I met J to get the kids and when I came home he was standing outside on the pavement outside my complex. J called the police again. When I went into Lems room I closed the curtains and saw P hiding in the garden behind my shed. I knew that once J left he would try come inside and I wouldnt have the strength to turn him away.

The police came and J told them to check and P was in the garden. They removed him. An hour later I got a collect call from him to collect him from the police station. I didnt go.

When Nash left another hour later he was standing outside. She came back here to get him a jacket and told him to leave and never come back.

I really do still love him. I really do. My heart is shattered right now. I packed his things this morning and it was the hardest thing I have done. If he will agree to get help I will probably take him back. He really was a super super person. He adored me and the kids and they adored him. I just really couldnt deal with his drinking anymore. Right now I feel like the poop on the bottom of your shoe for what I did last night.

One year ago today

2010-09-02T21:20:00.003+02:00

I lost my mom - at 1h30am on the 3rd September.
One year ago I held my moms hand as God took her home.

I remember that night as clear as day. Standing by her hospital bed, watching her struggle to live.

Not one day has gone by that I havent thought of her in her final moments.
Or thought of her laugh. Or thought of her cooking. Or her voice.

This last year has been the toughest of my life - ever and it sounds crazy but I feel I had her strength to get through it.

Mom I miss you as much today as I did then and the pain is still as real.

Keep smiling down on me mom - I hope I'm making you proud.

My blog has been badly neglected

2010-08-22T20:04:00.004+02:00

the last while. I have had so much going on I just haven't really had much time to sort my thoughts and get them down in some sort of an orderly fashion.

I am still really battling with J. He hasnt paid me for 3 months now.

I had to cancel Lem's birthday party - but when one of my friends found out she transferred enough money into my account to still be able to have a party for her!
And a lot of the providers gave me discounts / donations when they heard what had been going on. I was truly truly blessed to be able to give her an awesome party!

I am considering suing Jase for sole custody. I applied for a Warrant of Attachment and a Garnishee order on his salary - the garnishee for future dated payments and then the Warrant of Attachment for the payments he has missed. They attach his property and sell it in order to get me my money. I realy really wish things had not gone this route!

Some how J has gained access to my home email and found out about the garnishee order that should (hopefully) be in place by the end of this month.
So he resigned. To go and live with his brother in durban for a few months. He is giving up his house, his car, his job, his friends, everything....just to not pay me.

So I decided to possibly sue for sole custody. He doesn't deserve them!

This is an excerpt from one of his mails:

So yeah, I’ll resign, I’ll give up my job, give up my R200 000 of shares that mature next year, my 7yrs of permanent position here (with 3 years to go for a major bonus), I will leave even though I’m a retention candidate with tons of perks and I’ll leave my +R50k salary…I’ll give up my new house that I bought, the furniture that I bought, I will give up every girl that I have relationships with and that might have turned to something long-term, I’ll give up all my new and old friends that I have re-kindle relationships with, I’ll give up my new routine including gym that I was doing well at and most of all, I’ll give my children up and I’ll do charity work for institutionalised children in Durban for no pay..until I can get sponsored to work in the UK or Australia and that’s the only choice I have ..

This whole thing started because he thinks I am asking for too much maintenance. But,...he signed the inital agreement. Then he was served and he had 10 days in which to contest, he didnt. He said thats because he thought him and I would try work it out after the divorce (ummmm.....what??)

As he said in his email he will throw everything away rather then give me (never mentions the kids) one more cent! I know he is sore because of Paul..but honestly??? In the last month before the divorce he had 5 different chicks he was sleeping with! and bragged about it, to me!

so yes, I now finally have a man that treats me right and he doesnt want to pay a cent towards P's living expenses! Thats why he is fighting me on this too.

He is still well within his rights to go to the maintenance courts and challenge me. I have no problem with that and I told him. But...he would rather go this route.

In my final email to him I told him that i hope he can look himself in his mirror one day and like what he sees....becaues he is losing WAY more then he thinks he is! Let him carry on. I will have my kids, I will have P. P and I WILL make it, and hopefully soon I will be able to make it without his money. And i will have the kids........him???? He wil be alone.

The courts were against me today

2010-07-16T22:31:00.001+03:00

Or so it feels like

I applied for the garnishee order - Jasons companies HR will be subpoened to court - only to appear on the 11th August with his payslip. The magistrate will then make a decision re the garnishee order. So that leaves me at the end of this month again without a payment.

The sheriff hasn't as yet served the other warrant for Junes missed payment...if J doesnt pay the end of this month again then I have to issue another warrant.

Today alone cost my dad R5000 - I honestly can not keep going on like this....I'm an emotional wreck right now.

I was so counting on this garnishee order being in place by the end of this month so I could at least breathe again for a little while.and not have to worry about how I am going to feed my kids

Bang goes that idea!!

In Court Tomorrow

2010-07-15T22:06:00.000+03:00

Jase is still refusing to pay me maintenance unless I give him the girls (never mind the fact it was a court order to pay me AND that he signed an agreement to pay me what I asked for). He is also STILL threatening to have the girls taken from me.

So tomorrow morning I'm going to court with my attourney to have a garnishee order put against his salary....he has NO idea! He's going to get a huge shock next week! Although he has said he will rather resign then give me a cent :roll: He honestly thinks I've just let it go.

PLUS I have had a Warrant issued for Junes Maintenance.....the sheriff is yet to serve this though :evil:

I dont get why men have to be like this...honestly!! The money is to look after his children...I've been battling for 3 months...borrowing money from my dad (and Paul) to put petrol in my car and food on my table while he has been living the high life! I'm in arrears with almost anything...you knwo when you stop answering your phone if you dont know the number? :twisted:

Honestly re-inforces the fact that leaving him was the right thing to do!

The best news ever!!!!!

2010-07-06T23:40:00.004+03:00

Saturday night P and I had my dad over for a braai.

P was acting a bit wierd...lol....but couldnt place it. I went inside to do something and when I came out my dad was hugging P....and the two of them were all teary.

P then blurted out that he had just asked my dad for my hand and he had said yes!!

I kind of had an idea...lol...but didnt really think it would happen...not yet anyway!!

So yes peeps..I am engaged!

I know a lot of ppl think I am absolutely nuts...but I have though long and hard about this...P completes me. He really and truly does. There is nothing that P doesnt do for me , in every way that I have to go get somewhere else. So why the heck not! ?

I am truly happy. I am truly at peace. I am truly excited!!

This is going to be one HELL of a ride!!!!!

Finally!!!!

2010-06-27T21:40:00.004+03:00

I have wanted to start a business selling my beaded jewellery for the longest time.

I was googling one night looking for prices on one of the particular items I use a lot...and came across something that got me real excited!! It was a Twilight charm bracelet! It was a silver charm bracelet with 7 charms - each representing a different pivotal role in the movie.

So I started googling, looking for suppliers of charms, looking for the best prices, best delivery etc. lol this fuelled my spreadsheet obsession too! :)

I loaned some money from my dad - and finally the charms arrived from the US and goods are ready to go :)

I am really hoping to make a good go of this......I need to be financially independant now - not having to rely on maintenance from J!

My Facebook page is up here and here is my signature piece.

If you have any any marketing/sales ideas for me please feel free to comment :) Thank you!

sheepishly waving hello :)

2010-06-22T23:27:00.002+03:00

Well my it has been absolutely ages havent it. The last 4 months have been a rollercoaster of a ride!!

In short:
- My divorce was finalised on the 21st May.
- I have met the most wonderful man - his name is Paul and he is *almost* everything I have ever ever hoped for in a partner! He truly is my *Edward* and I am totally in love with him!

Jase has not been playing nice at all. He has left me totally financially in shit - In April even though he was still living here didnt give me a single cent.

In May he paid my maintenance into the wrong account so our joint debit orders took my maintenance money.

So that was playing two months catch up.

This month?? he has decided he now wants the kids - his ultimatum? Give him the kids or he wont pay me.

So I wont be getting my maintenance money this month either. Which means he will be arrested.

Which means he has decided to sue me for sole custody of the children. I am going to have another fight on my hands people.

So now there's someone else.....

2010-02-12T22:31:00.002+02:00

Thats the reason J is using to justify me wanting to leave him to his family. TO HIS FAMILY.
He is telling them all that he has NO idea why I want to leave him, that the only reason he can think of is that I am in love with someone else.

So now I'm the skank.

Wednesday morning J sends an email to his brother giving him the news.
His brother replied that he was in tears, couldn't stay at work because he was so upset with the news.
J then says that he too, is upset and can't understand why I am doing this.

Have I been dreaming the last 10 years???????
has this man heard ANYTHING I have said over the last couple of years???

I am upset with J, I ask him how can he tell his brother that he doesnt know? So he says because he doesnt? *rolls eyes*

J then sends and email to the whole family asking me to explain why I am leaving him so he doesn't have to lie, and if it is someone else then I must just tell them.

FFS!!

If it hadn't been for his brothers extreme reaction my reply would have been something along the lines of this:
I am leaving your brother because he could not be bothered to get his drivers license, and when I ask him about it he says "I'm hoping you'll leave me if I don't"
I am leaving your brother because despite me having a protection order in place (which I should never have had to get in the first place) he still thinks its ok to hit me in front of your neice, who tries to fight him off and begs me to have YOUR BROTHER/HER FATHER arrested.
I am leaving your brother because I WILL NOT have Saige endure the same trauma that Lem has.
I am leaving your brother because he thinks its "ok" to play his Playstation all day, every day leaving me alone anyway to raise the children and do everything else.
And if any of you still think its OK to stay with your brother then you are just as fucked as he is!

If I had half the balls most people think I did then I would send that. Maybe I should just. Fuck it!

But for now I need my energy for tomorrow afternoon when I see his sister who just arrived back in the country yesterday. She now thinks I'm an adulterer. Joy. I'm now the bitch thats leaving her brother for another man!
She forgets she has a protection order against him too!

Win a Blackberry Bold 9000 Smartphone!

2010-02-06T23:44:00.003+02:00

I was tagged by Angel to run this too :)

In keeping with the current Hollywood trend of slightly unusual boyfriends- you know the vampires, shapeshifters and werewolves- you are hereby invited to talk about yours!

So is your boyfriend a little peculiar?

Does he have some tastes that make you squint in consternation?

Is he perhaps a little left of centre?

Well, all you have to do is leave a comment on this post and list the 5 strangest things your boyfriend has done- or does, and you could stand a chance of winning a Blackberry Bold 9000 Smartphone. Ts & Cs apply, and you have to be in South Africa!

Chrizanda from DSTV & Vuzu - where you can watch “The Vampire Diaries“- will then trawl the blogosphere using the links emailed to her, and choose her three favourite entries. They will get uploaded to Vuzu’s website and the public will then vote for their favourite entry!

If yours is the one picked by the public- the Blackberry Bold 9000 is yours!

So, lets hear it :)

So...it's done.

2010-02-03T21:37:00.002+02:00

I sent the draft agreement yesterday afternoon...after probably staring at it the whole day, not quite having the guts to press *send*.

Just after 4pm I did it.
Then the nerves started.....I was feeling so many things, fear, nervousness, relief?

I get home..he didn't mention anything....other then that he had been in meetings all afternoon. So obviously he didnt get it.

Today I felt literally ill the whole day.
This evening he again acts like nothing is up?
So I come out with it, ask him if he got the agreement...and he did.
I'm not going to waffle on too much, but he did get it yesterday - but thought we would speak about it last night but I never mentioned it.
How odd?

He said today that he knows I am about 95% sure this is what I want, and if I tell him I want him to sign it he will???

So I did.

Its that time....

2010-02-01T22:54:00.002+02:00

the initial papers are ready to be sent.

He has NO clue whats coming. None. He thinks everything is just fine. And that I have changed my mind.

The longer I leave it the more I think.....the more my "soft" side starts creeping back.

I need to do this.

And I need to do it now.

xxxxxx

Going to my happy place...

2010-01-27T22:35:00.003+02:00

before I shove a rolling pin up someones ass!! OR a fucking playstation. Or maybe both!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I must admit this is a bit of a *brag* post.

I have been trying for years and years to lose at least 20kg's. Then I discovered Simply Slim. Lol. I know there is a lot of controversy surrounding this product right now...but honestly? For me it works!!!! See!!!!!

This is me in September 2009 at 103kg's - I started Simply Slim in October.

This is me now, at 91kg's :) :)

I am totally totally thrilled!! I have dropped from a size 24 to a 18 - and I can SO see me being in a 14 in a few months time!! I never ever thought I could do it!
I am fitting into clothes I havent worn in 4-5 years. Lol some even still have the tags on!

This is whats keeping me happy right now :) The fact that I *almost* like what I see in the mirror :)

I'm hoping to be down another size by the end of Feb, and hopefully in a 14 by March :) :)

Woo hooooo then its shopping time :) :)

(ps - my rant at the beginning was because I got home from work at 8.30pm as it was my month end and the f**khead hadnt even given the girls dinner yet!!!)
BUT, I'm not thinking about that right now.

I'm going to my happy place.......

Just a little something every day.....

2010-01-22T00:45:00.002+02:00

Everyday just a little something happens that gives the resolve to keep going.

Forgive me for a bit of a rant...but my blog is my place to do it right now, lol. Its keeping me sane. AND when I do have that small niggle of doubt, I come back here and read back....just for a dose of "you are doing the right thing".

Last night I wanted to spend 20 mins with Lem going through her homework, I asked him please just to watch Saige so I could spend that time with Lem. Too much trouble.

This morning after I had been running around for an hour trying to get everyone up and out the house he stood there with his hands in his pockets asking where Saige's jersey and shoes were. Umm..you have two hands?

This afternoon I was stuck in REALLY bad traffic and I was hadn't even fetched him from work @ 5.30 - I was supposed to be at Lem by 5.30 already and Saige by 6. I had to make frantic calls to get both kids picked up by friends as I can't rely on him now can I?

This evening because we were late the whole evening was a rush. But obviously him playing his playstation was faaar more important.

For months I have been asking for small things around the house to be fixed, my kitchen drawers, the bathroom door lock, the soap dish , the towel rail. Well, I'll be hiring Jeanettes hubby to do all that for me.

And you know what? I'm not really that upset. He's just digging himself deeper into the whole!!!

And ladies...lol....I'll be having a "Thank you for supporting me" and a "He's finally gone" dinner :) Appropriate? probably not (the "he's finally gone" bit lol). Necessary? Definitely!

Will keep you posted :)

Ok - don't panic !!!

2010-01-19T22:53:00.002+02:00

Ok - saw my attourney again this morning. I gave him the final details to include in the settlement agreement. This afternoon just before 4 I recieved the rough draft.

OMG its finally happening! J could be served by the end of the week! He has no idea. None. He honestly thinks that things are just fine! Funny enough we have been getting along really well...but thats because I view him now as a friend rather then a husband and quite frankly don't give a shit ! lol.

But OMG...I'm feeling all sorts of things now. Empowered, fear, relieved, fear, anticipation, fear, apprehension, fear,joy,fear. Did I mention I was scared?? lol.

oh G*d please let me be doing the right thing and give me the courage to go through with it if I am!!!

The BIGGEST surprise today!!!!

2010-01-17T22:08:00.003+02:00

(lol about my FB status)

Ok I'm so excited I could just start rambling off here but for the benefit of those of you that don't know the story I will start at the beginning.

I was adopted as a baby - a newborn. I basically always knew that I was adopted, I grew up knowing that I was a *special baby* lol. That my mom *chose* me. When I was old enough to understand she explained the whole adoption trip to me. Fabian and I are both adopted actually.

Anyway, when I was about 16/18 my brother asked my mom for his papers (lol sounds like a dog) as he wanted to know where she came from. She gave mine to me too as she thought I wanted to know. I did...but I didn't if you know what I mean. I read through the papers and one thing stuck in my head..I have two older brothers !! I read thier names and they have been indelibly etched in my mind since then.

I have googled, yahoo'd and searched every possible chat program I have EVER chatted on - as you never know right?
But nothing.
Until September 2008.

J was away in Amsterdam on business and I was on FB. I searched Facebook for the one brother - and I had a hit on his name.Now bear in mind they are Czechoslovakian so its not like I am searching for a John Smith - lol. Finding someone with the right surname and first name? Chances are its the right one.
But..I couldnt be sure

The next day I asked my mom to fax me my papers...I check the birthdate...100% Match!

So - I send a friend request, he accepts and we start chatting. To cut a long story short I eventually told him who I was. He was shocked, understandably. So we chatted for a few months via email and FB. December 2008 he leaves FB.
Gone
Doesnt reply to my mails.
I have sent loads of mails - but no reply.

TODAY - I open my email and I get a friend request from the Older Brother!!!!

See!:

January 17 at 4:13pm
Hi Tanya, you dont know me but my name is ***** **** and have been just told that you might be my sister. I,m sure that you might be shocked by this but maybe not as you already know about me. If this is all true could you getb in touch with me as would love to hear from you. I just hope i haven,t freaked you out in anyway and hope to hear from you asap, regards *****.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I swear my heart stopped!! You have NO idea of the longing I have felt for years to get to know them!!!

M and I chatted for about 2 hours! he was crying , I was crying lol. He was about 7 when I was given up ....and he always had a feeling in his gut that something was amiss but his mom never admitted it.
Now he knows.
And he is happy! He cant wait to get to know me and hopefully fly me out to Perth soon to meet.
He owns race horses - and he said I am now an aunt to a 10 yr old boy. Lol imagine that!

The other brother (also M!) lol only told him today. They had a family fight lol and havent spoken for a while. He looked me up straight away and there we go!

Wierd part? He is in Perth...literally two mins drive from Fabian - my brother! haha I can see this being confusing!

So, WOW, That was my day!

You can't be serious!!

2010-01-16T21:30:00.003+02:00

So - lol - things are still a tad crazy for me my end. I haven't posted as I needed to make a few final decisions and I wanted to make them un-jaded...lol is that even a word?

J has come up with a solution to save our Marriage!!!! *giggle*

Wanna hear it?

Well - he thinks I am very stressed due to my job - the rush in the mornings to drop everyone off an get to work on time. The rush in the afternoon to get everyone picked up on time. The rush in the evenings to get everything done on time and the kids to bed at a reasonable time. The fact that I REALLY want to get a business started but don't have the time.

So?? His solution is for me to resign and be a stay-at-home-trying-to-start-a-business mom !!
Yaaay so I get to do all the things I am doing now PLUS try get my business going!

And he ups his game how???????

Haven't quite figured that out yet! haha

So he has a solution! yay! Does that solution involve HIM becoming more involved in our families activities or helping me more with the kids etc? Noooo if anything it just gives him license to do even less around here!

He seems sincere when he believes our marriage can be saved and he really does not understand why I am not taking him up on his offer.

Sorry bud, the offers about 5 years to late!!

THEN there is the Maintenance issue - friends I am in for a fight, pls send all the extra energy you can - I'm going to need it!

Stop the world I wanna get off....

2010-01-07T15:57:00.002+02:00

So today I received another *you're doing the wrong thing* email from J.

I don't understand how this mans mind works?? HE was the one that told me to get the divorce, repeatedly over the last year. HE was the one that said he won't get his license because "He hopes I'll finally leave him".

And now? Heres a quoted excerpt from the mail...

Anyways, I’ll say this for the last time, I do think we can make it work, I do worry about you and the kids on your own, I will make sure you are not financially sabotaged (I think u know that) and will even give more than asked for….even though I sometimes say the opposite…but if this is really what you want and there’s no way to change your mind, then I’ll accept it…

About see’ng the lawyer with you, its really not necessary, I’ll sign any reasonable agreement that has reasonable reference to the large debt and home equity, basically everything else (incl. the car you can have)…

My reply????

You know every time I think about it and wonder if I am doing the right thing, I think of Lem and Saige growing up and thinking that *this* is how marriage is.

I think of the last time we fought where **************. Where you*************
With Lem screaming at you to stop it.
With Lem screaming and crying for me to go to the police.

I can’t do that anymore.
That was the last time.

I’m stopping it now before Saige is standing next to Lem screaming the same.
I don’t want that for them
And I don’t want that for us anymore.

So my answer J is yes, this is still what I want. This is what I believe is best for us right now, while we are still young enough to both find the companion that we can’t find in each other.

So its 2010 :)

2010-01-05T22:29:00.005+02:00

I've taken a bit of a break but ready to get back into the swing of things! 2010 - Let it be a fabulous year for us all! Heck it will take a lot to be worse then last year wont it!

To be honest I am glad December is over and I can just get on with things now!

Christmas was ok. Lol. Just ok.
My dad was very down the whole day, to be expected I know. I had my moments but tried to have the best day I could for the kids. J? Played playstation the WHOLE day *rolly eyes*

Lol here are some of my best snaps of the day:

New Years was actually not bad at all! My dad and I went to Emperors Palace as we wanted to take the girls to see the Garden of Lights. The girls had a fabulous time! We went to the Spur for dinner and then got home just in time to crack the champers and toast in the New Years.

Lol New Years does however make me cringe..I did something really really stupid and may have messed up an awesome friendship I had with someone *arghhhh*. And yes, it is a guy. I will give more details later.

Another bit of news is that my dad is going to sign as surety on me taking my house over *yaaaaaaay me* !!! SO I dont have to move :) :) After the divorce I will be keeping my little housie :) I am so stoked I can't even tell you!!! My house isnt much, but its mine and I love it and I don't want to lose it!

Before I go I just have to share this last bit too :)

I am busy researching suppliers to import a specific component that I want to make into a certain jewellry item (lol can't say too much just yet)

Check my horoscope from FB for today

Your Daily Horoscope: January 5, 2010
Cancer Jun. 21 - Jul 22 (Wrong Sign?)
We do live in a material world, Cancer, and today you are a shining example of how beautiful it can be. It's possible that you are doing something creative, or that you are focusing on the quality of something you are buying. The image for you is actually of jewelry, but it is important that you not overextend your resources or bite off more than you can chew just because of an extravagant moment. This is a good day for making aesthetic choices, but it is not a good day for spending or speculating.

How is that??????????????? lol this is just WAY too wierd for me now!!

Horoscope

2009-12-27T23:48:00.002+02:00

Ok this was meant to be a Christmas Photo post..but OMG I just read my horoscope on FB - to be honest I've never put much stock in these things.....but just take a glance at this!!!

It appears that there is something new happening in your environment at work or at home that has been developing (or taking form) for some time, Cancer. Maybe since Mercury, the planet of your house of secrets, has gone retrograde, it cannot remain secret any longer. It is, however, not as much of a problem as it might appear to be right now, because you have plenty of support from helpful people. Don't try to fight against changes now, because they are changes for the better. Start planning now for your place in the new scheme of things.

Hey??????

Ok..so seen as it is just past midnight I got tomorrows!!!!

Don't let yourself give in to thoughts of helplessness and weakness today, Cancer, because the message is actually about strength. Your partnership house is very powerful right now, and this strengthens you, astrologically. There may be talk of changing the status or nature of the relationship, but if the other person does not agree with what you want, you need to stand your ground. Today compromising or surrendering your hopes for the sake of making temporary peace will only bring about disappointment and regret. You need to be strong for the sake of your future.

blow me down with a fucking feather!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its Christmas??

2009-12-22T22:58:00.002+02:00

So is Christmas in 2 days. This is the first year ever I have had no christmas spirit. My tree only went up this past Sunday...other years it's been up by the 1st - without fail.

Working out my christmas menu without my mom? It doesnt seem right.

And J hasn't been the easiest of people this week either. Angel was at my house tonight and asked why I had two christmas trees.....lol. Well the reason is that on Sunday afternoon my tree got chucked out into the garden...decorations and bits of tree everywhere.

On the way home from the River Cafe on Sunday my fuel line on my car came loose..petrol was pouring out my car....J doesnt drive.
So I had to call my dad to come help me. I was cooking meals for my dad to freeze for the next week and J asked me to make lunch. Now bear in mind this was about 3pm and he had been playing his PS3 the entire day.
Umm excuse me you have 2 hands??
he got irritated I was taking so long so we got into an argument. I told him to tell his PS3 to cook for him..hahah
Anway to cut a long story short he threw his plate and stabbed a knife into my kitchen counter..while my dad was there.

Dad wants to bliksem J part 2.

Anyway...things calm down and my dad goes home.
That evening J and I got into another argument, him saying that I want xmas to be miserable for everyone and boo-fucking-hoo that its my first christmas without my mom. Oh and that I wont get a single cent from him or anything else.
He throws the tree into the garden.

I wont go into too much detail about what happened next.

I tell my dad about the tree on Monday - he happened to be at a friend (friends for about 30 years) of his who owns a Spar in Primrose. "Friend" then gives my dad a tree...AND all the trimmings!

AND he gives my dad the money for my lawyer..NO strings attached!

So now I have 2 trees (the other was rescued albeit a bit battered) and my lawyer has been paid.

It may be a good christmas afterall!

The process is in motion...

2009-12-11T21:12:00.001+02:00

I saw my attourney this morning...the ball is rolling now!

I have mixed emotions about today. I have wanted to do it for so long, and now that the process has begun it feels odd? Like did I REALLY do that?
I'm flippen scared too.

Scared of how I am going to cope financially, how I am going to cope with the girls on my own.
Scared that I wont ever meet *the one*. Scared that my girls will one day hate me for taking them away from thier father.

J however says that "Ja we may get divorced now but we will be back together in a year". Bwhahahahah stay on the good stuff dude!

Shew..so..now I need to find somewhere to live. I've been looking around and there isnt much decent out there in my price range...so..there is a small amount of panic setting in but I do have some time :)

I'm finished

2009-12-08T10:27:00.001+02:00

Things have reached a new level of "low"
Although in saying that my decision has been made *that* much easier for me.

You know when you think that a person can not be nastier or uglier then they have been in the past and they just completely suprise you be sinking even lower?

J has completely and utterly crushed me this week. I have nothing left. I'm finished.
Mentally.
Emotionally.
Finished.

* He's taken my cell phone away.
* Refused to go to my year end function as he doesnt want to be seen with a "fat miserable bitch"
* I have had to find a lift to my function as he won't let me use the car.
* He has taken all the bank cards as they are in "his" name. The fact that they are "joint" accounts obviously means nothing right?
* He has disconnected the DSTV and Internet line at home.

* Threatened to resign and relocate as not to have to pay me maintenance.
And I quote:
"I’ve just checked my retirement fund, I have enough to hang around for 3 months giving you R15 000, and then spending 6 months to a year backpacking and doing odd jobs in Europe or the US…even South America…I’m just saying...gotta remember that I will have more freedom to do what I want, and it wouldn’t be fair to tell me don’t go see the world if it’s what I want to do …. Just be careful how hardball you want to play, I probably got bigger balls and a couple more in my court…but I’m willing to play by whatever rules you make"

and again
"I was willing to make this as easy as possible…really was, now u got me seriously thinking about resigning and relocating even…cos I can’t see myself even living in JHB with you here…'

One thing has completely destroyed me
He told me he had a conversation with Lemon over the weekend and it was very clear that she despises me.

Oh and "You may get the girls now I am so useless it wont take him long to get them taken away from me"

My lawyer isnt coming back to me *grrr* so if anyone knows of one - pls mail me?
tdaniels@gencapital.co.za

Am I losing my mind??

2009-12-03T21:21:00.002+02:00

So once again things at home are not that great.

Last week Thursday J and I have a huge argument on the way to work. He tells me he's had enough, he wants out and I need to call my lawyer.
After I drop him off I was speaking to my mom, asking her what I should do. Wishing she was here as she was so great to speak to.
Not even 20 mins after I get to work my lawyer calls. Now I havent spoken to my lawyer since my mom went into hospital. He says he wants to draw up the summons..what must he do?
I honestly took that as a sign?

So it all ends up with J packing his stuff on Saturday and telling me he is leaving by the end of this week.
I dont cry
I dont beg
I dont plead
The only thing I ask is that he allows me to please keep the house as rental anywhere else will be more or less the same....and at least the girls won't be uprooted too much.
He says I can keep the house, but if I buy it at market value? So bang goes that idea as I honestly wont be able to afford that. So I will have to rent somewhere.

Then this is where I question my sanity.
He can not understand why I am wanting to leave him.
Why I am wanting to "destroy" the girls lives, mine and his by getting a divorce.
He says that I am the reason for the breakdown of our marriage and that I have a chip on my shoulder that prevents me from being happy.
I think back over what I have had to put up with...what I have been through..and I can't fathom how on earth he feels justified having treated me like he has? Surely its not normal?

Those that have read here regularly will know what I have had to put up with, honestly.....surely I'm not the crazy one??

A picture post of my weekend away :)

2009-11-26T22:05:00.005+02:00

Hope you guys dont mind loads of pics :) :)

My brother, dad and myself went to the Eastern Transvaal last weekend to scatter my moms ashes as she told us many many times.

We stayed here . I loved it so much I've booked for the Easter Holidays :)

There's lots of pics..I really couldn't decide which to post..so..ummm..*blush* here are all my faves!

We had to drive over this river to get to town. It was raining heavily and the bridge is level with the river..it has *storm drains* on either side. It was scary for me lol

Fabian and I preparing dinner.

Aiiii....Braaing (barbecueing) in the rain!

The spot where we laid my mom's ashes to rest. That fence is the Kruger park fence with the Crocodile river below. It was the perfect, perfect spot! Fabian and I actually got out the car to follow the hippo that was walking on the bank so I could photograph him...and we came alone this rocky outcrop.

One of my best pics ever!

The Hippo as mentioned previously. Gosh I love this place. To see wildlife like this..so close! its unbelievable!

My mom used to own this piece of ground many years ago..and sold it when they were in some financial difficulties. It was probably the biggest mistake her and my dad made....ever!

the piece of ground my dad used to own. Same story as my moms. Very sad actually. This house and the ground is now for sale..Fabian and I are talking about buying it back. (at almost 12 times what my dad sold it to this guy for!)

Flip this funny..on the Friday night Fabian and I had had one too many drinks..heheheh...and he screamed at me to quickly grab my camera as a Lion was circling our house!!! pmsl.

A momento I bought of the trip :)

Thanks so much for sharing this with me....I feel very much at peace now. I still miss my mom....terribly...but I feel very calm and proud knowing I was able to do exactly what she should have wanted!

Happy Birthday Mommy

2009-11-17T21:42:00.002+02:00

Mom today would have been your 70th birthday.
We had such an amazing trip planned for you to Cape Town as you had never been.
you were so excited, not only for Cape Town but for all of us being on holiday as a family. We haven't done that for over 10 years since Fabian left the country.

Instead we are going to the Eastern Transvaal to scatter your ashes. Mom I am so honoured to be able to fulfill your final wish.

Mommy I miss you so much. I miss your giggle. I miss you calling me to moan about how much dad is annoying you (which I FINALLY get btw! lol). I miss your cooking. I miss you helping me with sewing. I miss you when my girls are sick as you are the first one I always used to call. I miss you when I have had trouble at home as you always knew the right things to say..without interfering. I miss just being able to call for no reason. I miss your sense of humour.

Mom I look as this photo of you on your last birthday and my heart pains . It pains for me. It pains for dad. It pains that you won't see my girls grow up. It pains that you will never share another birthday, christmas or New Years. It pains that I will never hear your voice again.

Mom I so hope that you are at peace where you are.

Until we meet again Mom,
Love always!

Some Family Pics

2009-11-12T23:59:00.003+02:00

My brother and his girlfriend and some of her family flew in from Australia yesterday morning. My brothers g/f and her family are from NZ - while Megan has been here before her family haven't.

We went to Carnivores for dinner.

The reason for their visit is they had planned a five day stay in Cape town leaving on Friday...it was supposed to have been for my moms 70th birthday celebration. they are staying an extra 3 weeks driving up along the coast, my brother comes back next week Wednesday so we can fulfill my moms last wish of her ashes being scattered in the Eastern Transvaal.
He then leaves back to Oz on the Sunday again :(

Having my brother here has been an absolute blessing to me. Like a breath of fresh air. He really is almost my other half and the thought of him leaving me again is very sad. No one gets me like he does. No one understands me like he does.

Here are some pics of the evening :)

Fabian clowning around :) Carnivores are renowned for thier game meat..and this is how it is served. They keep coming around with different meats (crocodile, different buck, ostrich etc and your normal beef, pork chicken). The salads etc are on the table.

Fabian and my dad. I must post a comparison pic. You wont believe how tired, old and thin my dad has got! He is literally wasting away!

My brothers girlfriend, Megan and I.

Lastly, Fabian and I :)

UPDATE ON THE ASHES ISSUE

My dad called me this morning and said my brother spoke to him and he has decided to take all my moms ashes to the Eastern Transvaal (thanks Dad, so I'm chopped liver??). Anyway he did this without anyone at the Church seeing. So, he is STILL going ahead with the blessing (if they know the ashes are gone they wont do it as there is nothing to bless). I told him to leave the blessing, the only thing we need to make sure happens is that my moms ashes land up where she wanted them. But nope....the man won't listen *sigh*.

Seriously annoyed - but should I be?

2009-11-10T22:12:00.000+02:00

I'm really annoyed with my dad though as I think he is being so selfish! I know I have shared a lot of what has been going on with him but I need to know if I am being unreasonable being upset?

My mom was never a religious person as such..ok she went to a convent but after she left she never went to church or even really lived as a practising Catholic. She actually didn’t have much liking for church at all due to her experiences at the convent.

Her wish was always that her ashes be spread over the Eastern Transvaal. ALL of them. My brother arrives home tomorrow and next week myself, my dad and my brother are going to fulfil her last wish.

Now my dad has put up a memorial plaque up at the church for her - there is a space for him too one day. Now fair enough I don’t have a problem with that.

My problem is that my dad has had half my moms ashes put there and the other half we are taking with us. My mom would NOT have wanted that! She wanted ALL her ashes over the ET..not to be split up.
And in my mind I don't feel your soul can truly rest should your body be split up?

My aunt, brother and myself mentioned this to my dad and he said Ok fine, we'll take them all. Now he phones and says he has spoken to the priest and he said its ok to leave them as they are - he has arranged a "blessing" of my moms ashes for the day we get back and my dad has invited all and sundry to the blessing and then to have tea afterwards

So my issues are no 1 that he has split her ashes and 2. that the blessing should be a private family affair not a bl@ddy circus - but my dad has always been one for pomp and ceremony anyway and I suppose the more people there the more people to feel sorry for him. I know my mom would kick his arse right now if she could!

Doing what I love

2009-11-05T23:02:00.003+02:00

Anyone that knows me well knows I have a passion for beading. Specifically Jewelery.

Each of my friends have got at least one beaded item from me as a gift and I like to match the piece to the person :)

For the last few months I have had no motivation at all to make anything. I've looked at my beads but then just as quickly packed them away.

Last week a mom on a parenting forum I frequent asked me if I could make her a bracelet similar to what I made her a few years ago as she has since had another child so needed his name added too.

Its been my dream to be a Work-at-Home mom earning my living from my beading. I cant think of anything better then being surrounded by my pretty colourful beads all day creating unique pieces :)

I have been wanting to start a website for ages.....I think the motivation may slowly be creeping back :)

Here is a pic of the finished piece lol I just couldn't get the letters to sit up straight :)

So my decision has been made for me..

2009-11-01T21:44:00.002+02:00

One of the biggest factors around me moving in with my dad was Lem's schooling.
There are four schools in the area - the two my dad are zoned for are honestly cr@ppy. The one is the primary school I went to, but a LOT has changed and its now one of the worst in the area.

The 2nd is a Dual Medium school... But walking around the school I didnt feel very confident in sending Lem there. The buildings arent well maintained, nor are the grounds. The classrooms are also dark and dingy. I didnt like it at all.

The other two we are not zoned for - they are both excellent but I did favour the one over the other. I applied to the Dual medium and the two we are not zoned for. She was accepted into the dual medium, but not to the other two as they are full already with people in Zone A (the feeder area).

So - the question is do I risk Lem's education at a school that isnt half as good as the one she is in now for my dads happiness?
My answer is no. I only have once chance at Lem getting a good education. There are no second chances - so for now I will not be moving.

My dads friend told him that we should "just put Lem into a private school". Sure bud, if you are paying! And he also doesnt realise the waiting lists that the private schools have!

My dad is not happy with me not moving there though, he was all miserable and stuff today, but honestly..what does he expect me to do?
I'm sorry but I will not risk my childrens education (or anything else) for anyone.

I told him that J and I were looking at houses around here with cottages - so he could move in with us. He went on about having to sell all his stuff and getting below market prices for it (specifically the 5 cars that are just standing there) So I told him that if he wants to be in that big house alone, with all his "stuff" - then so be it. It's his choice but then he must stop crying about it.

I'm getting a bit tired of this now

2009-10-15T20:55:00.002+02:00

HOnestly the way I feel right now I could just get in my car and f*k off for a few days..with my cell switched off.

I'm losing the plot a bit.
I'm still jammed in the middle between my dad and J. My dad calls me every morning in tears about how lonely he is, that he cant go on in that house by himself.

I have one big problem..and that is I don't tolerate weakness in other people very well. I understand what he is going through, I really do..but right now I feel like telling him to grow a pair of balls!

I know it sounds awful...I feel awful when I think it but its just how I feel right now.
Maybe its because he is asking me 3/4/5 times a day if we are still going to move there. Him and J had a long talk on Saturday and Jason said NO, not now. Maybe in a year but not now.
So now where does this leave me?
I move in with my dad out of guilt..land up hating it and I damage my relationship with him.
I DONT move in...something happens to him I feel guilty the rest of my life.

I am so torn between what I feel for my dad and what I don't feel for J.
I honestly dont know what to do? J says I need to put myself first - and make a decision based on that. BUT..I am putting my kids first. And what a crappy mother I am..I cant decide what the best thing for them will be?

In a conversation I had with my dad during the week I told him he had two choices. Live or Die. If he wanted to die - great..he must keep doing what he is doing. Not eating, sleeping. Moping around. Crying all day. I told him that my mom would NOT have wanted that for him and she would kick his ass right now if he could.
I told him if he wanted to Live then thats what he had to start doing. He has to force himself to do things he doesnt feel like doing in order to start coming right. He works at a golf course and the guys are always asking him to bring his clubs..he never does..because he "doesnt feel like it". He loved golf! But now he says it reminds him of my mom. EVERYTHING reminds him of my mom. But he has to start getting better sooner or later doesnt he?

Where we are a week later...

2009-10-05T21:15:00.002+02:00

I am totally exhausted if I must be honest. Running two homes is not the easiest...I haven't had a weekend to myself in months now. I feel bad complaining but right now I would kill just for one weekend where I didnt have to do laundry, cooking and cleaning in two homes.

My dad is still pressurising me about moving in there. J is still saying NO. So, I am still the meat in the sandwich and quite honestly I have no idea what to do. My heart and my head are having a fight again..lol they do this quite often.

If I could choose? I wouldnt be with either of them.

My dad started counselling today with a lady I found - she seems pretty good. I chatted to her on email a bit before my dad went to see her today. Although I had suggested to my dad two weeks ago he go see someone..he said No. His best friend AND sister suggested it, he said NO> My brother calls and suggested it - he says to me "Your brother speaks a lot of sense, he suggested I go see someone so I will" *rolls eyes* lol.

He is still not doing well at all. He calls me 6/8/10 times a day in tears because something reminded him of my mom. When I am at his house on the weekends he cries constantly and keeps saying he can't live on his own. A part of me wants to shake him and tell him that he CAN do it, that he needs to stop thinking he can't - but hopefully the therapist will help him with that.

I know my blog has been about nothing else over the last two months, but quite frankly there is nothing else going on right now that I can blog about..lol. Hopefully that will change soon!

I almost lost my dad too....

2009-09-27T21:38:00.003+02:00

The night my mom died was the worst of my life. Last night came in a close second.

I'm still trying to process everything that happened..so perhaps if I start from the beginning it will help.

We stay at my dads place on weekends as we were planning on moving in there in December so my dad wouldnt have to be alone - and there is a LOT of work to be done in that house before we can.

So last night J makes plans to go see some friends not too far from where my dads house is. At 5 last night my dad says he doesn't want me driving out..he will take J and if J cant get a lift back will go fetch him. Great.

My dad, myself and my children go to my Aunts (my moms sister) for dinner. While there my dad says "stuff it, J must find his own way home..or he can sleep there and he'll go fetch him in the morning". So I sms J and tell him..he says fine, he will get his own way home.

When my dad and I get home from my Aunts J is already there..he had to catch a taxi and walk some of the way...he says he doesn't want to stay over at my dads as he is upset..and would rather go home. Now remember J doesnt have a drivers license.
So I tell my dad that we are going home as J is upset.

Him and J start talking about it.....J says he wil take my car and that I can stay there..and that's when everything went pear shaped.
My dad just started screaming "I lost my wife 2 weeks ago so don't push me J, you don't know what its like to lose a wife so don't push me" and he goes on...and I swear something snapped. I have NEVER seen my dad so angry!! I thought he was going to have a heart attack on the spot...he was completely irrational! He was crazed!

I tell J to get the hell away from my dad as I am physically trying to keep my dad away from J.
J eventually gets the message and dissapears.

My dad goes insane..I have NEVER EVER seen ANYONE like my dad was last night. EVER.
He goes inside and starts pacing and throwing things and punching cupboards...Lem is screaming at my dad to calm down and "not hurt her daddy". I tried to get her out the house but she refused to go as we didn't know where J was.

My dad then pulls out his gun...he grabs the photo of my mom we had on her coffin and starts screaming that he will be with her soon..but she mustn't worry he is taking J with him. I start screaming at him to put the gun down and I try get Lem out the house but she wont leave me.

He is walking around the house with his gun screaming that he wants to be with my mom and that he cant deal with this shit anymore..and that J just pushed him to far.

I call my aunt (my dads sister) and I stand at the door so that my dad does not go looking for J.
After about 20 mins my aunt and cousin arrive and my aunt managed to calm my dad down. She told me last night that I have a choice to make...either I stay with J in my own house or I leave him and go stay with my dad. She says (and I agree) that my dad and J will never, ever be able to live together.

So - I am now in a lovely situation aren't I? I have my daughter traumatized and I have to choose between J and my dad. I know for those of you that have been following my blog it should be an easy decision but for some reason it isn't.

My aunt says I should do whats right firstly for my children..then for me. That my dad is big enough to look after himself and if I move there I will be his nursemaid.
My dad tells me to ignore my aunt.

I went to see my dad today and he tells me that if I don't move in there he will sell everything and move somewhere - no one will no where and he'll just wait to die.

So now add emotional blackmail to the list.

I swear I have NO fucking idea what to do now. NO idea. My gut feel is NOT to move in with my dad...keep my kids in their schools..near their friends.
But then my dad is going to think I am turning my back on him.

There is NO way I can win in this situation!

AND...not only am I haunted by seeing my mom struggle for her life those last few hours..but I am now haunted by the look in my dads eyes last night.

Having a bad night

2009-09-21T21:09:00.004+02:00

I'm not doing as well as everyone thinks I am....

My final words to my mommy....

2009-09-11T23:50:00.004+02:00

I know I haven't updated in a while, things have been so hectic and I haven't really been able to talk too much about my mom without getting too emotional. Please forgive the long post.

My moms funeral was on Monday, and it was a truly beautiful service! I felt so at peace afterwards...although throughout I was rather emotional - as was my dad. We were sitting in the front row and my moms coffin was right next to us, it was still unreal to us...like it wasn't happening? I delivered a eulogy and after I spoke we played my moms favourite song - You'll never walk alone by Gerry and the pacemakers. That song will from now always be a favourite of mine.

My brother and I went to view my mom's body in the morning - I persuaded my dad not to go as I don't think he would have handled it. My mom looked so beautiful, so at peace. When she first went into hospital my dad was in such a tizz he hadn't packed anything for her - so I stopped at Woolies and I bought her new pyjamas and slippers and bath goodies. She never got to wear the nightdress I had bought - thats what we chose to dress her in in her casket. She looked so pretty.

The only friend of mine that made it to the funeral was Jeanette. I didn't see her before the service, only after. And when I saw her I gave her a great big hug and started crying. You know there were so many people there for "us" - as a family. But Jeanette was there for ME. It made such a difference! Jeanette thank you so much for caring enough for me to be there - I know how busy you are and you'll never know how much I appreciate you being there! I'll never forget that!

I'm not going to paste my whole eulogy - there were a lot of thankyou's, lol. This was what I said about my mom:

href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CTanya%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml">Dynamite comes in small packages is such a cliché but so apt when speaking about my mom. She was a tiny little thing but she packed a mighty punch.

My mom was so well loved by everyone, she was always the life of any function, ready to hit the dancefloor or liven up the conversation with a joke. She had an awesome, and sometimes naughty sense of humour. Even I blushed at times.

My mom was an amazing cook..boy could she cook!! She could honestly make something amazing out of the bare essentials. My mom would look at a picture in a recipe book and produce the same dish, without even reading the recipe. And often sent little bakkies of food with my dad to work for me – she knew exactly which of her dishes were my favourites. Even after the 5 years of chefs training that I had could I not make fried chicken like she did.

My mom was so artistic and creative, sewed 90% of her own clothes – she always used the excuse that nothing in the shops fitted her properly as she was so tiny..but I know she loved it. She even made my wedding dress and I was so proud to wear MY dress. That MY mom made.

Dad – you and mom were married 47 yrs - you did everything together , you were two peas in a pod. There was never a John without a Maureen. Dad I promise I am going to be there for you s much as I can. And I ask the same from your friends, to please not forget about my dad in a week, in month.

My mom was selfless. She so often went without in order for my dad, Fabian or myself to have something we wanted. Not even needed. She ALWAYS put us first, unconditionally. That wasn’t even a question in her mind. It’s just how it was.

Mom I am going to miss you so much. I am going to miss your laugh, I am going to miss our skelm smokes when you thought dad wasn’t watching, I am going to miss sharing my daughters milestones with you. I am going to miss your cooking, I am going to miss your advice. My daughters are going to miss their nana.

Mom watching you struggle those last few days was the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. I know you are in a better place now and will always be watching over us. I promise to look after dad as well as I can. I promise to never let my daughters forget you and I promise to be the kind of wife and mother that you were – always putting my family first.

Good bye mom, until we meet again.

My mommy is gone....

2009-09-03T22:29:00.000+02:00

Last night just after 6 the hospital called me and said my moms blood gasses were extremely high and we were to get there asap as it didnt look good. I met my dad and brother there just after 7. We saw my mom and we were told she is now on the maximum adrenaline they can give to keep her heart going and that her blood gasses were so high it indicated massive organ failure and they didn't expect her to make it through the night. We sat with her talking, watching her struggling until just before 12. We decided to go lie down in the the visitors lounge for us all, incl my mom to get some rest. My dad the whole time still hoping for a miracle. Just a small indication she was still going to be ok.
My dad refused to leave her. Just after 12.30 my aunt woke me and said she was leaving so I walked her out. On the way up I stopped at my mom and the sister said she was taking blankets and pillows for us and my dad was in the lounge.
I sat with my mom for about 15 minutes, till just before 1. She was still struggling. I told her how much I loved her and I so badly wanted her to come home.
I left her just before 1.
At 1.30 the nurses came to wake us and told her her heart rate was really low..when we got there her heart was beating at a beat a minute, until it just couldnt anymore and she flatlined.
We held my moms hand as she died.
You know we had been watching those machines so closely for the last month - hoping, praying they would one by one be taken away.
Last night at 1.30 they were.

My mom looked so at peace - finally free of the struggle to live.

My dad is not taking it well at all. He is honestly falling apart and I dont know how to help him. I dont know how he is going to cope being alone in that house when my brother goes back to Oz.

Today while helping him tidy up I found a dress my mom had started sewing for Saige that I am going to finish. As well as an outfit for Lem. Watching my dad unpack her hospital bag was also so hard.

The funeral is on Monday and I honestly don't know how my dad is going to get through it. My heart so goes out to him right now. He cant even get through a phone call without having to pass me the phone. I just pray he finds the courage and strength to get through this, one day at a time.

My Mommy isnt coming home

2009-08-31T21:22:00.002+02:00

I can not even begin to describe how I am feeling right now. I am devastated. Truly.
I am also angry. My daughters were NOT meant to grow up without thier Nana. My mom was supposed to see my girls grow up, to sew their matric dance dresses and to maybe see them have children.
They were NOT meant to grow up looking at pictures of Nana!

The last week has been on of the toughest, longest of my life.

My mom has not improved - at all.
My mom is not responding to any of the antibiotics.
My mom's lungs are not breathing on thier own - today the ventilator was turned up.
My mom's heart can not beat without adrenaline - today the dosage tripled
My mom's kidney's are still not working - she is still on dialysis for 6 hours a day
My mom has jaundice and they suspect liver damage

My mom is not coming home.

My only wish right now is that God takes her soon so she can stop suffering. So so she can stop struggling to live.

I pray for God to give me the strength to get through this and be strong with for my dad.

Losing my mom

2009-08-20T23:08:00.002+02:00

is NOT an option for me now!

I don't even know where to start going through today's events. But I need to talk about it as I am alone with my thoughts.

My dad called me this morning to say that it was possible my mom would be going on to Dialysis as her kidneys were once again not functioning so great.
So I think..ok..well thats not too bad..get her on Dialysis to give the kidney's a chance to recover AND to clean all the toxins out her blood right?
Then he called to say they had put her on a ventilator..that her lungs were just not doing the job anymore.
Then my aunt calls to say things sound serious.

I start to panic.
I go straight to the hospital and I was not ready for what I saw. My mom on a ventilator. You see it in movies and it doesnt effect you that much nor does it really look like much? ...but when I saw my mom like that. My heart broke. Into pieces.
She was sedated, but started waking up when I was there. She obviously panicked, not having the faintest idea what was happening to her but with a tube down her throat.
I tried to calm her as you would a baby..but eventually the nurses had to take over and my dad and i had to leave the room as I think it was too much for either of us.

We went to find the Cardiologist and the words he said I won't forget, nor would I forget what those few words did to my dad.
"I have to be honest but it doesn't look good"
My dad said straight there and then that he will not accept that and walked away.

They had started putting my mom on the Dialysis machine so we had to wait outside..and my dad said to me that if my mom dies so will he.
I knew it was time to call my brother (he is in Australia).
He was a bit hestitant about having to come home..either not fully understanding how serious my moms condition was or not wanting to accept it either.
I told him that I told him what he had to know and that my dad and I need him now, moreso my dad as he needs someone with him 24/7 and that coming home now or not was entirely his decision and one he would have to live with for the rest of his life.

Tonight I pulled the Sister aside and just said "My brother is in Australia" She knew what I was asking and said to get him home.

He will be home on Saturday morning.

The sister also said that tonight is the critical night..and if she can get through tonight her prognosis will greatly improve.

I cried the whole way home screaming at God that he is NOT to take her now..I am NOT ready to let him have her! She has to be here to see my children grow up! I NEED her now!

I don't think either my dad or I will get much sleep tonight.

Happily ever after....

2009-08-18T22:32:00.002+03:00

My dad has amazed me the last two weeks.

The devotion he has shown to my mom has been remarkable, selfless even.
They have been married 40 years - so are to each other what butter is to bread you can say.

My dad has been at the hospital EVERY day - except when he is at work (his shifts are 4 hrs - either morning or afternoon) and sits in his car between visiting hours and only leaves after 8 pm - the last visiting slot. He takes books and packs a meal for himself.

I gave him a bit of a hard time about it today as I think he needs to take care of himself too as my mom is going to need him a lot when she comes home. And, selfishly, its hard enough for me having my mom in hospital I couldn't handle my dad too.

He told me "Tanya I have to be here incase your mother needs me".

I could not argue that point.

I only wish to one day find someone so devoted to me - someone that would put me before anything else..the same as I would do to them.

Get well soon mommy..we need you home!

So I'm home alone...

2009-08-16T23:05:00.002+03:00

well with the kids...lol..but thats it.

J left for Cape Town today for 8 days and I must admit it is a VERY welcome break!
It was just getting too much for both of us !

J is still telling me I am making a mistake and making me out to be the bad guy in all this. That "I" am ripping the family apart. I have confidence in the fact that in time he will see it as the right thing to have done. Well actually right now I don't think I really care! lol

An update re me moving in with a friend..those plans have been shelved as quite honestly it's not going to work. I appreciate the offer by my friend but she inadvertantly sent me an email meant for another friend and after reading her true feelings on it I made my decision.

I really appreciated her offer but our friendship wouldn't withstand us living together. And I value that much more.

My mom is still in ICU - the pneumonia has still not cleared up - and her lower legs are swollen to 4 times thier normal size! I'm not actually sure why - will ask my dad tomorrow.

Thats the ONE...only ONE bum thing about J being away this week...I won't be able to go see my mom until the weekend as there is on one to watch the girls.

I started taking a bit of strain these last few days and I had I suppose what you could call a mini-meltdown last night.

I just started crying and kept on crying..I couldn't stop. I'm trying to be strong for my girls right now..trying to be strong for my dad and with the constant bickering with J it all just got a bit too much.

I just feel very alone? Maybe thats a bit harsh as I do have LOADS of people supporting me right now and without them I would be nothing right now....

But you know sometimes you just need a hug and for someone to tell you its all going to be ok!

Another hectic fight and some decisions.......

2009-08-11T22:10:00.002+03:00

So this morning again we had a fight..*whats new* which resulted in me not being allowed to use the car to get to work....grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

If any thing it just strengthened my resolve!

So this evening we had an adult conversation and decided the following.
A friend has asked me to move in with her as she is also going through a divorce right now and has a spare room in the house.
I need to see how far my budget will go right now to compensate her for our board.
I told J about this and he has no opposition to it (of course)

We then discussed how we would dispose of the two properties we own.
J said he would be willing to purchase the one where we are living now...he will bond the property at a higher amount and use the "pay out" to settle our debt. In turn I will leave him most of the stuff in the house..which is fine as right now I just want this over with!

I feel happy with this arrangement as it is the quickest, most painless way to resolve this one issue.

The second property..I have no idea. If we sell now we are going to take a rather large financial knock and neither of us can really settle that now.
So we will need to discuss that further.

So for now it looks like this whole process may go rather smoothly..and amicably which is what I wanted. I don't have much energy left for more fighting!

I left....

2009-08-09T23:19:00.003+03:00

Where do I even start with what happened this weekend.

I'll start with my mom = they nearly lost her again on Friday night. Pneumonia set in and the meds were making her hallucinate so bad they had to restrain her to her bed. I don't know the full story..its all a bit of a blur actually = thats all I remember. The doc only told us today how close it was.
She is still in ICU but should be coming out tomorrow and moving to a general ward.

Then...

I have been living here at my dads the last two days. I don't even really know how to explain this one.
I'll be brief... J and I had a huge argument yesterday...well actually he made it huge. I was irritated because I was tired from this whole story with my mom...and I kinda said something I, in hindsight, shouldnt have.
Next thing I know he is throwing things around the house and throwing stuff of mine into the bin.
Lem started screaming at him to stop it and begging me to go to the police.
I couldnt as he had taken my cell phone and car keys away.

Then he started throwing his clothes in the bin saying it would be less for him to pack.

To be honest I don't remember the in between bits (just a lot of screaming and shouting actually)...It all happened so fast that I only remember the pivotal points right now.

I told him I was going to see my mom in hospital - he told me to pack enough stuff until tomorrow as he didn't need a fat miserable slob around = so I did and I have been staying at my dads.

I am glad for it though as i think my dad needed me here this weekend, not just for company but I've cooked for him for the week, done all his laundry etc lol.

I cant move in here right now as the two rooms I would need are full..(my parents are hoarders..think Clean House) and the girls schooling needs to be sorted out too.

But I AM going ahead with the divorce..I gave my brother the attorney's bank account details and he will do the transfer tomorrow.

"baby lets try again" my ass!!

Almost lost my mom today

2009-08-05T23:00:00.002+03:00

My dad called me this morning early that he had just rushed my mom to hospital.

So I got there as soon as I could and the story goes like this.

They were in Swaziland playing golf over the weekend and my moms wrist started swelling.

She took and an anti inflammatory there and on Monday when they got back went to the doctor who prescribed more.
On Tuesday night my mom's stomach was "bloated" and she was in a lot of pain - my dad rushed her to the hospital - they did a few scans and checks and said they couldn't find anything really wrong but wanted to keep her overnight. My mom is rather stubborn and went home.

This morning my dad started his new job but had a bad feeling..rushed home and my mom was in tremendous pain again and couldnt move.
He rushed her back when is when I got the call.

To cut a longish story short she had a burst ulcer which needed surgery. Now my mom had blood pressure problems and heart problems so was high risk.

In Recovery her BP dropped dangerously low and they found she was anemic but due to her BP being so low they couldn't get the blood in.
And if that wasn't bad enough they also found her kidney's are not functioning properly.

I rushed through after work (after I had fetched J and the kids and dropped them at home) and she had just stabilised.

It looks like she will be ok - my mom is a real fighter!
I told her tonight I wasn't ready to lose her and she said she wasn't ready to be lost, she will still be around to annoy me for a few more years, lol.

So please send any spare prayers you have - I am not ready to lose my mommy yet.

Different shades of Hibiscus :)

2009-07-27T22:28:00.002+03:00

I was walking around my garden tonight and landed up at my poor Hibisicus...she has been ravaged by this winter. As I am not much of a gardener at all (although I do try hard) I don't give her much hope of surviving to summer.

The Hibiscus is my favourite of all shrubs/trees. The blooms make me feel so happy which is why I have always wanted a tree of my own! Best I do some reading then to see how to save her.

These are some pics I took on our recent holiday to the coast...the white/pink combination is the one you get plenty off. I have seen red before..but never have I seen plain white!

I know there are all sorts of things wrong with these pics, from the focus to the WB and the lighting, but I wanted to share a little bit of my "happiness" :)

I'm a bit upset

2009-07-25T19:51:00.004+03:00

Its Lemon's 7th Birthday today....and NO family other then my mom called, sms'd emailed or anything to wish her for her birthday!!!

With friends its ok as her party is only next week so there will be MORE then enough wishes going round.

But for NO family to wish her? Not my brother, or any of J's two sisters or brother?

And this isn't the first year it's happened - and I get just as pissed off every year!

And then they give me this BS about "how much they miss her" (they are all overseas).

Ag pls man try showing it sometimes!! Its bad enough Lem only gets to see them once every two years or so!

Thanks..just needed to get that off my chest!

But - Lem my baby, Happy Birthday! You are an absolute joy in my life (even with the tantrums) And I think this photo taken by Jeanette shows exactly who you are!!

May you have many many more years with me my baby!

So I suggested therapy

2009-07-22T22:11:00.002+03:00

Or couples counseling as in my mind if he really wants us to give it another go he would try anything right?

Ha jokes on me.

He said he would gladly go - to find out what was wrong with me!!

I was so shocked I laughed! In my opinion whats wrong with us can not be fixed by us. I truly believe that. He disagrees.

According to him its MY attitude that needs changing.

I think he is making my decision very easy!

Finally..a good day!!

2009-07-19T23:23:00.003+03:00

I am glad to be able to post something happy for a change. I had an awesome awesome day today....the kind of day that when you think about it you smile again :)

The girls and I had a photoshoot with Jeanette this morning, and it was loads of fun! Lol the funniest ever....when we got there I couldn't figure out why the girls dresses looked funny...Jeanette (being the mom of boys) realised their dresses were on back to front!! My gosh I haven't laughed that much in ages! Then the shoot itself was loads of fun too..Jeanette found a stunning location and I am sure got some amazing shots of the girls :)

For lunch we went to the Spur..nothing beats a good lunch at the Spur :)
I bumped into some friends I haven't seen for ages - lol they happen to be male and my gosh they were looking very good! :)

Back to school for Lem tomorrow...I have to go check uniforms and bags - night all!

It was a week ago...

2009-07-17T22:37:00.002+03:00

Can you believe its been a whole week since I made one of the biggest decisions I have made in years.

To say this week has been tumultuous is an undestatement. I have been wrestling with my decision constantly. And my decision has been wrestling back!

J has asked that we try again.

For 6 months.

I am torn right now.

Last week Friday my head and my heart were in total agreement. For once. For once they both agreed on what was the next step forward.
Now after yesterday they are once again at war.

Last week I was so clear on what had to be done and had totally made peace with my decision, so much so that anyone who meant anyone to me knew what my plans were..as those same people had been there to pick up the pieces on more then one occasion.

He says he NOW knows what he did all those times was wrong. My head says surely you should KNOW that punching your wife in the face isn't right? Regardless of the argument you had and regardless of what was said in that argument?
Surely it shouldnt take a protection order to make you see that?

I feel that if I DON'T give it a another try I'll be a quitter.

I feel that if I DO give it a try I'm a push over and it won't take long for me to be in this exact same position again.

As I said, heart and head are at war again.

I honestly don't know what to do.

Shew.....

2009-07-13T15:51:00.000+03:00

Well, the protection order was served on J today. I really don't think he thought I was serious!

This is what he had to say about it:

I just accepted the protection order papers. I have read through and it’s difficult to respond in any way other than it’s obvious you are happy to move on. If you were filing for divorce, I’m not sure why you would complicate the issue by filing this protection, but it is your choice and I’ll accept it.

He doesn't understand why I could complicate the issue??
He doesn't understand why I would want to ensure mine and my childrens safety???
The only mistake I made was not doing it years ago. And I told him as much!

I spoke to my brother this morning and he is going to loan me the money to pay the attourney. I wish I could say its a relief...but I was hit with a dose of realism today.
The magnitude of what I am doing finally hit me.

The doubts are nagging me now. But everytime one rears it's head I think back to one of those times when I have been belittled, humiliated or hurt by which ever weapon was chosen by him - be it his mouth or his hand.

I am so scared my children hate me one day for taking them away from thier father.
What if Lem (Saige is too young) doesn't remember what her father did to me or to her? What if Saige grows up knowing that "mommy took me away from daddy".

What if I don't go through with this and they land up hating me for NOT taking them away?

How will I know I am doing the right thing? I think I am, but how do I really know?

I am praying for wisdom and courage to get me through this.

I did something huge today

2009-07-10T21:48:00.002+03:00

I've tried to give explanations but just haven't been able to find the right words .....maybe I'm still in shock that I actually did it?

This morning I went to my divorce attourney to begin proceedings..and I spent 4 hours at court getting a protection order in place to protect myself and my children...but the damn thing wasn't served. Probably sitting in some in tray at the police station still!

Pls wish me luck for the long road ahead.

My love of cooking is back...!

2009-07-06T22:33:00.002+03:00

I know I've been scarce...I've had such issues with my connection lately..it keeps dropping which is hugely frustrating! J seems to have fixed it now - I hope!

It's been a while since I have been excited to be in the kitchen.

I am a trained chef and for 5 years worked in various restaurants around Johannesburg. After a while the hours started becoming too much as you work 10 - 12 hour days 5-6 days a week. Its also not a life for a lady wanting to settle down and start a family.

Its hard when you are cooking 10 hours a day to still want to come home and cook and to still enjoy it, lol.

The bug comes and goes...most of the time cooking for me is a chore, something I have to do rather then want to do.

Then there are the times when I absolutely love cooking and my family love it too lol.

The bug has bitten this week...from a Thai seafood curry for my friends on Friday to a full on roast lunch yesterday .....wonder whats on the menu tomorrow :)

So we are back :)

2009-06-23T22:07:00.003+03:00

And I must say we had a lovely time!
It was slightly marred by the fact that Saige got Tonsilitis on our first night there, which was a Friday. By the Monday after I had panado'd her up she wasnt any better so had to rush her off to the ER as she was burning a really high fever. They gave her some Antibiotics which only really kicked in on the Wednesday - but at least we were able to have some fun in the sun!

The weather wasnt too bad at all...on Tuesday and Wednesday there was a bit of a chilly wind blowing - Thursday was better and Friday while we were packing up it was glorious! lol.

Here are some of my fave pics of the girls :) Sorry there are so many I couldnt choose my faves from this lot!
I have some lovely floral shots which I will post tomorrow :)

Bye all...

2009-06-11T21:56:00.000+03:00

off on holiday in the morning.

See you in just over a week :)

The Holiday Curse..s...

2009-06-08T23:02:00.002+03:00

I'm actually having a quiet giggle here...there are two things that always, without fail, happen before we are due to go on holiday.

1. The car breaks down.

The car went in for a service last week - was meant to cost in the region of R800.
It landed up costing R6000 as the mechanics (and my dad) kept finding different things that needed to be fixed.

2. J doesn't want to go with..
I can bet my life on it that the week before us having to leave on holiday J starts with "I don't want to go cos I'm not wanted" story. Oh and its the "I'd rather be happy on my own then miserable with you" story too. You know what? Cry me a f**ing river why don't you! In typical Leo fashion I have to stroke the mane, boost the ego...well not this time! Honestly once I decided to leave him behind and was half an hour into my journey and I felt so bad I went back home and spent an hour begging him to please come with J, it won't be the same without you J blah blah f**ing blah.

Well not this time I won't. His bags are packed on Friday morning or they're not. If he wants his kids to grow up with holiday photos that DON'T include him then so be it.

I will have a great time with my girls regardless of whether he is there or not.

I am done begging.

A bit of an update

2009-06-03T22:57:00.002+03:00

I've been scarce around these parts lately, lol. So here is a bit of an update as to whats happening round here :)

I have 8 sleeps left till we leave on holiday! I can't wait!! We will be staying at Club Hacienda, Shelley Beach
I am *so* looking forward to it! I am just praying for way better weather then we had last year!

Although it is bad timing...on of my best friends is getting married that week and my husband refuses to cut our trip short by a day in order for me to make the wedding. I really am not happy about it, but I can't just leave him at the coast...can I??? *grin*

The website I did for the company in Australia is finally up! I posted a sneak peek a while ago, but I then presented them with a more "technical" looking site then the pretty one I did initially, lol. Being guys they, after much deliberation, settled on the second one. Its 98% complete, once I recieve payment I'll complete it, lol.
Take a peek here

Then the last update is about Lemon, my eldest. The teacher noticed she wasn't able to see the board from where she was sitting, near the back. So she was moved closer. It didn't help much as Lem still had to get up to see the board. I took her to our optometrist and it turns out she needs glasses - she inherited J's bad eyes. I will post pics soon, I must admit I have been VERY lazy and haven't picked up my camera in weeks! I promise to get some up this weekend!

I think thats about all my news..off to catch up in bloggerland :)

Shew its been a while

2009-05-26T21:20:00.003+03:00

Time really does fly hey! Sorry I have neglected my blog over the last week.

I just opened my home email to find a letter from the managing agents of our complex.

They are retarring all our roads,damp proofing and re-painting all the units.

The idiots accepted a quote for R1.400 000 - there are 74 units in our complex. That equates to R20 000 per unit!!!!

I am flipping furious right now! At the AGM they mentioned they were getting quotes...but not that they had accepted any!

I can barely get through the month as it is...where the heck do they expect people to get R20 000 to pay to have thier damn units painted??? We're in a recession...hellloooooooo!!

Well they can honestly go and whistle for their money..because quite frankly I just do not have R20 000 nor do I have an extra R6000 to pay it off over 3 months as they propose!!!!

Crikey!

PS I initially said R4000 per month..it was a typo..its just over R6000 - edited to fix

So he's back.

2009-05-18T22:13:00.002+03:00

So J is back. He went away to Cape Town for 8 days to business.

I know most wive's would miss thier husbands when they're away from home right? The sad truth is I don't miss mine at all.

Not at a single moment during the week did I think "Gee I miss J..he always does this" Or "I wish J was here to do this for me"

Why? lol well the truth is he really does not do much for me when he IS here..so honestly I get on better without him..I have no expectations of anyone except myself.

In fact as I type..I have him sitting on the couch telling me its 30 seconds till its time to go to bed and if I'm not done here he will pull out the modem cable.
*&&^%$%^&*&*(*(*&^&(*())(^%*^^%

So let me get going...ps...I may need bail money in the morning!!!

I heard a rumour..

2009-05-10T22:13:00.002+03:00

that it was Mothers day today??

This is the second year in a row that I have not had a Mothers Day.

Last year when he hadn't mentioned a thing (so obviously my 5yr old wouldnt know either) by dinner time I was a bit upset...when I told him what was wrong he said "well you're a cr@p mother and cr@p mothers don't deserve a Mothers day"

When I say that comment cut me deep..I mean it cut me deeeeep! I have never ever forgotten it..and when we had arguments and he asks why I seem so distant from him those are one of the occasions that I mention.

So I thought today would be different you know? Now look I don't expect an expensive gift or anything extravagant at all..but just coffee in bed, or even a Happy Mothers day will suffice.

By this afternoon when I had to take him to the airport I was really angry. Because obviously he had not considered my feelings at all..knowing how upset I was over last year. I stupidly thought he would make a small effort this year you know?

Well by this afternoon when he asked me "when I was going to do the dishes" I yelled "when you can wish me a happy f**ing mothers day"
So he looked at me with his eyebrows raised and said "but you're not my mother"

Geez at that point I honestly just shut down. I felt really stupid for honestly expecing him to even try make me feel special in even the smallest way.

I give up from now on. I really do. Last year I still went to a lot of trouble for him for fathers day.

This year? He's not MY father!

Update on Website..

2009-05-04T22:21:00.003+03:00

I spoke about a website that I had been asked to do by one of my brothers friends in Perth.

Well..it is almost done! :) :)

We had to drag content out of them though, lol. They seemed quite happy with what J and I had on the site..but that was just from a bit of research we had done and most of it was purely for place holder value..but..they liked it! lol. Now what J and I know about building boats is dangerous! pmsl.

Its up in its testing environment - we are still waiting for a few more snippets of info from them before we go live.

I am quite excited as I think it came together rather nicely..and best of all the clients love it too :)

So hold thumbs this is the first of many for us!

You are welcome to take a peek :)

http://groundswellboats.6te.net/

Its not very fancy, but we find that generally most websites are too cluttered with media and images and its sometimes difficult to find what you are looking for. So we tend to take the clean, clinical approach.

I'd love to hear any crit you may have :)

Mommy Burnout.

2009-04-29T21:55:00.002+03:00

Now don't get me wrong..I truly truly love my children, lol but right now I feel as if I have a bit of mommy burnout..if there is even such a thing.

I don't get much help at home..so from the time I wake up till the time the girls are asleep its all on me baby :) lol.

Just for once..I would like J to wake up and dress the girls and pack the bags and make the lunches...
And make ME coffee before I get out of bed..

Just for one evening I would love J to bath the girls while I try cook dinner and load laundry and pack lunches. Heck he can even do all that..and I'll do what he does :) (Play PS3)

Just for one weekend I would love J to get up early with the girls and let me lie in a bit..seen as I get up on average an hour earlier then him in the mornings.

Even though I am always busy on weekends..quite often both days I always either have one or both girls with me..even to book club. In fact I can't remember when last I went to book club without a child lol.

I know it sounds horrid..but after the last long weekend I was almost glad to be back at work? So I could just sit in one place for more then 5 mins and not have anyone ask me for anything lol.

Oh...and to be able to use the bathroom in peace :) :) :)

This time of the month....Arghhh!!

2009-04-23T08:48:00.000+02:00

I hate this time of the month.

NOt for the normal reason that woman hate a time of the month..lol.

One day a month I have to work late so that I can hand all my stuff over to payroll so they can pay my brokers salaries.

This wouldn't be a problem for most..but when you have a husband without a drivers license it is a HUGE problem as my children can not get home.

Ok..not children really..Saige's school is about 500m down the road so J normally walks to fetch her after he has caught a taxi home.

Last year wasnt a problem as both my girls were at the same preschool so it was fine for J to fetch them and walk home with him.

My problem is Lemon that is now in Primary school. Her school is quite a distance away and definitely not within walking distance.

I really am so tired about stressing about this every single month. I've called in so many favours its not even funny anymore.

And this month I am dry. I have no favours to call in. My close off is tomorrow and I have NO idea how my child is going to get home. J gets upset with me that I have to work late..but what can I do? Its part and parcel of my job. And it is only one day a month.

To be honest I stress from one close off to the next and its really not fun for me anymore!!!

Why do simple things always turn out so complicated??

2009-04-20T20:50:00.005+02:00

My brother is coming out from Oz in November for a visit - with his GF and 4 of her family members.

It is my mom's 70th birthday while they are here. So...my brother wants all of us to go to Cape Town for a week.

Sounds simple?
Pmsl not when you are dealing with my family!

Ok - the story goes like so..

My parents are members of Flexi club holiday club right..so we go on holiday for next to nothing.

They make a booking here

For my brother and his 5 cronies from New Zealand it will be R7800 - for Myself J and the kids it will be R2000.

For a full week in Cape Town?? Thats an insane price!

Not to mention the Strand is rather central for all the touristy places!

I am so excited..I cant wait to tell Fabian (my brother). Then he hits me with "ahh but if we want to go drinking in CT we won't be able to drive back"

Flip I was annoyed!! Then this morning he says the NZ contingent want to stay closer to town!

So my brother finds a place for R1100 PER DAY . I'm sorry but I just can't afford that! I'm not spending money thats been exchanged at a 5:1 ratio like they are! As it is with the other place I would have spent R10 000 (flights, accoms and car hire) before I even GOT to Cape Town!

So now he's all pissed off with me because I got upset about the price. And he doesnt want to go to Cape Town if we don't all go.

Another spanner in the works is that if my brother doesn't take the booking at the place they booked they don't want to go....which, in all fairness is a but unfair as my brother is paying for them.

The worst part s, I am the middle man between my folks and my brother. My dad gets pissed off with Fabian...shouts at me and vice versa..lol. It drives me batty!

So. I had a chat with J on the way home and he did kind of put it into perspective for me...kinda...maybe....a little.

He is right when he says its not often I get to see my brother....so...just go with the flow he tells me...lol.

That would be easier if I wasnt spending my girls school fee's for the year on a 7 day holiday! lol

The pic below was taken about 2 yrs ago..when my bro was out here last. Him myself and Lemmie went to Ballito for a week :)

I'm sore!!!!!

2009-04-14T21:54:00.002+02:00

I played Golf (well not really played..went to the driving range lol) yesterday for the first time in just over a year.

Lol I have muscles aching that I forgot I had! But man it felt good to hold those clubs in my hands again!

I don't know how we did it before I fell preggies with Saige. Honestly for the first year to year and a half that we started we were there every Saturday, Sunday and Public Holiday. Often for the entire day. And yet we haven't had a chance in the last year? lol

I really do love it though..I love the description they have on the web page , South Africa's First Golfing Theme Park.
And if you enjoy golf it really is like that.
I love being out in the fresh air away from the pc and TV and the same for my kids. As well as the fitness aspect.

I think its going to be a regular now..every weekend I would like to go at least once. Even if I have to go on my own :)

Back into cakes again....

2009-04-09T22:25:00.003+02:00

I posted some time ago about the fact that I completely messed up a friends cake for her daughter's birthday.

It took me a while to even attempt another cake again...actually a long while.

My neighbour saw the cake I did for Saige's birthday and asked for one just like it for her sisters baby shower.

I hesitantly agreed, lol - but I must admit I am pretty pleased with how it turned out - especially after I had been at book club the same night I had to complete it, lol.

Thanks for taking a peek :)

My first weigh in and other news...

2009-04-07T21:38:00.002+02:00

I was pleasantly surprised when I went for my first weigh in - I was 3.3 kg down!!!! Man I did not expect that at all! I was hoping for somewhere around 1.5 - 2 - when she said 3.3 I was floored...really!!

But...I havent had a good week at all this week...I have been making Easter eggs for the kids...and....who can resist licking a spoon coated in melted chocolate!! lol. I feel dreadful every time I do it..but I can't help it man...its Easter dammit! Whats Easter without chocolate??? lol.

But...I should be finished all the eggs by tomorrow night so ..lol..that should be the end of it!! I don't think the kids will allow me anywhere near their eggs on Sunday...bwahahahah

So back to cucumbers and tuna it is for me!

I have another small bit of news that I am rather excited about!
My brother is in Perth, Australia and a mate of his that has his own business is looking for a website. Now..that seems rather simple. But not if you are in Oz apparantly. He has been quoted nothing less then R30 000 - for a simple website...nothing fancy! My brother suggested that I maybe do it for him....so I agreed...and have quoted far, far,far less!

Here's the kicker...this dude is rather well connected it seems...so..should I do his well enough I may be well on my way to doing websites for quite a few small businesses in Oz.

If you have been reading my blog for a while you will know my greatest desire is to be a work at home mom...and this may just be the chance I am hoping for! I'm trying not to get too excited as it may well not happen....but theres nothing wrong with trying is there *wink*

Nighty night :)

I'm back :)

2009-04-03T13:31:00.004+02:00

Man its good to be back!!

I have been capped for the last week or so and its been absolutely agonising!! lol. I don't have net access at work either!

The biggest news from the last week is I had Saige's First Birthday Party!!

I almost cancelled the party as she had just got over an ear infection and tonsilitis but in the end she really had a good time and was so spoilt!

I was a bit upset that her father decided NOT to join us on the day. What father misses their childs first birthday party? His excuse was "its all your friends anyway" - BUT two of my friend's had their hubby's join them??

I was thinking about it later that evening...and I realised something. I am really blessed to have the friends I do. One friend had a wedding the evening before and still came despite not having had any sleep, another friend travelled from WAAY out of town (about an hours drive), another friend is hectically busy with her wedding plans and another was meant to go to her mother in law but decided to celebrate with me instead.

So regardless what was happening in thier personal lives they were still able to give some of their time to celebrate with me - I appreciate that more then they know.

So..you know what? It doesn't matter that J wasn't there - the people that wanted to be there were..and THATS what matters!

Here are some pics :)

The Cake....

Singing Happy Birthday

Whats in here??

Can you see the joy?

Hellooooo?
Guests...
My eldest daughter on the right in the blue and pink top and some friends

Look ma!!
Birthday Girl!!

Check the two top toofies!!
Thanks for looking :) :)

Happy First birthday Saige!

2009-03-19T13:21:00.002+02:00

So it was Saige's first birthday yesterday.

It was slightly marred by the fact that I have been ill with Strep throat for the last 3 days..but tried my best none the less.

I can't believe the last year has gone so fast. I also can't imagine my life without this little ray of sunshine! I never thought it was possible to love another child like I loved my first but boy was I wrong!

My heart just swells with love for her..and now that she is walking..lol she's the cutest thing! And she has the most infectious laugh.

She's also a real mischievous little imp :) She'll know she's doing something naught and sneaks a glance at you to see if you are watching then gets back to it. Her favorite is switching Dads PS3 on and off and playing with my washing machine dials. lol Luckily she hasn't figured the oven out yet :)

Happy birthday for yesterday my angel!