Different shades of Hibiscus :)

I was walking around my garden tonight and landed up at my poor Hibisicus...she has been ravaged by this winter. As I am not much of a gardener at all (although I do try hard) I don't give her much hope of surviving to summer.

The Hibiscus is my favourite of all shrubs/trees. The blooms make me feel so happy which is why I have always wanted a tree of my own! Best I do some reading then to see how to save her.

These are some pics I took on our recent holiday to the coast...the white/pink combination is the one you get plenty off. I have seen red before..but never have I seen plain white!

I know there are all sorts of things wrong with these pics, from the focus to the WB and the lighting, but I wanted to share a little bit of my "happiness" :)

I'm a bit upset

Its Lemon's 7th Birthday today....and NO family other then my mom called, sms'd emailed or anything to wish her for her birthday!!!

With friends its ok as her party is only next week so there will be MORE then enough wishes going round.

But for NO family to wish her? Not my brother, or any of J's two sisters or brother?

And this isn't the first year it's happened - and I get just as pissed off every year!

And then they give me this BS about "how much they miss her" (they are all overseas).

Ag pls man try showing it sometimes!! Its bad enough Lem only gets to see them once every two years or so!

Thanks..just needed to get that off my chest!

But - Lem my baby, Happy Birthday! You are an absolute joy in my life (even with the tantrums) And I think this photo taken by Jeanette shows exactly who you are!!

May you have many many more years with me my baby!

So I suggested therapy

Or couples counseling as in my mind if he really wants us to give it another go he would try anything right?

Ha jokes on me.

He said he would gladly go - to find out what was wrong with me!!

I was so shocked I laughed! In my opinion whats wrong with us can not be fixed by us. I truly believe that. He disagrees.

According to him its MY attitude that needs changing.

I think he is making my decision very easy!

Finally..a good day!!

I am glad to be able to post something happy for a change. I had an awesome awesome day today....the kind of day that when you think about it you smile again :)

The girls and I had a photoshoot with Jeanette this morning, and it was loads of fun! Lol the funniest ever....when we got there I couldn't figure out why the girls dresses looked funny...Jeanette (being the mom of boys) realised their dresses were on back to front!! My gosh I haven't laughed that much in ages! Then the shoot itself was loads of fun too..Jeanette found a stunning location and I am sure got some amazing shots of the girls :)

For lunch we went to the Spur..nothing beats a good lunch at the Spur :)
I bumped into some friends I haven't seen for ages - lol they happen to be male and my gosh they were looking very good! :)

Back to school for Lem tomorrow...I have to go check uniforms and bags - night all!

It was a week ago...

Can you believe its been a whole week since I made one of the biggest decisions I have made in years.

To say this week has been tumultuous is an undestatement. I have been wrestling with my decision constantly. And my decision has been wrestling back!

J has asked that we try again.

For 6 months.

I am torn right now.

Last week Friday my head and my heart were in total agreement. For once. For once they both agreed on what was the next step forward.
Now after yesterday they are once again at war.

Last week I was so clear on what had to be done and had totally made peace with my decision, so much so that anyone who meant anyone to me knew what my plans were..as those same people had been there to pick up the pieces on more then one occasion.

He says he NOW knows what he did all those times was wrong. My head says surely you should KNOW that punching your wife in the face isn't right? Regardless of the argument you had and regardless of what was said in that argument?
Surely it shouldnt take a protection order to make you see that?

I feel that if I DON'T give it a another try I'll be a quitter.

I feel that if I DO give it a try I'm a push over and it won't take long for me to be in this exact same position again.

As I said, heart and head are at war again.

I honestly don't know what to do.

Shew.....

Well, the protection order was served on J today. I really don't think he thought I was serious!

This is what he had to say about it:

I just accepted the protection order papers. I have read through and it’s difficult to respond in any way other than it’s obvious you are happy to move on. If you were filing for divorce, I’m not sure why you would complicate the issue by filing this protection, but it is your choice and I’ll accept it.

He doesn't understand why I could complicate the issue??
He doesn't understand why I would want to ensure mine and my childrens safety???
The only mistake I made was not doing it years ago. And I told him as much!

I spoke to my brother this morning and he is going to loan me the money to pay the attourney. I wish I could say its a relief...but I was hit with a dose of realism today.
The magnitude of what I am doing finally hit me.

The doubts are nagging me now. But everytime one rears it's head I think back to one of those times when I have been belittled, humiliated or hurt by which ever weapon was chosen by him - be it his mouth or his hand.

I am so scared my children hate me one day for taking them away from thier father.
What if Lem (Saige is too young) doesn't remember what her father did to me or to her? What if Saige grows up knowing that "mommy took me away from daddy".


What if I don't go through with this and they land up hating me for NOT taking them away?

How will I know I am doing the right thing? I think I am, but how do I really know?

I am praying for wisdom and courage to get me through this.

I did something huge today

I've tried to give explanations but just haven't been able to find the right words .....maybe I'm still in shock that I actually did it?

This morning I went to my divorce attourney to begin proceedings..and I spent 4 hours at court getting a protection order in place to protect myself and my children...but the damn thing wasn't served. Probably sitting in some in tray at the police station still!

Pls wish me luck for the long road ahead.

My love of cooking is back...!

I know I've been scarce...I've had such issues with my connection lately..it keeps dropping which is hugely frustrating! J seems to have fixed it now - I hope!

It's been a while since I have been excited to be in the kitchen.

I am a trained chef and for 5 years worked in various restaurants around Johannesburg. After a while the hours started becoming too much as you work 10 - 12 hour days 5-6 days a week. Its also not a life for a lady wanting to settle down and start a family.

Its hard when you are cooking 10 hours a day to still want to come home and cook and to still enjoy it, lol.

The bug comes and goes...most of the time cooking for me is a chore, something I have to do rather then want to do.

Then there are the times when I absolutely love cooking and my family love it too lol.

The bug has bitten this week...from a Thai seafood curry for my friends on Friday to a full on roast lunch yesterday .....wonder whats on the menu tomorrow :)