I can not even begin to describe how I am feeling right now. I am devastated. Truly.
I am also angry. My daughters were NOT meant to grow up without thier Nana. My mom was supposed to see my girls grow up, to sew their matric dance dresses and to maybe see them have children.
They were NOT meant to grow up looking at pictures of Nana!
The last week has been on of the toughest, longest of my life.
My mom has not improved - at all.
My mom is not responding to any of the antibiotics.
My mom's lungs are not breathing on thier own - today the ventilator was turned up.
My mom's heart can not beat without adrenaline - today the dosage tripled
My mom's kidney's are still not working - she is still on dialysis for 6 hours a day
My mom has jaundice and they suspect liver damage
My mom is not coming home.
My only wish right now is that God takes her soon so she can stop suffering. So so she can stop struggling to live.
I pray for God to give me the strength to get through this and be strong with for my dad.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Losing my mom
is NOT an option for me now!
I don't even know where to start going through today's events. But I need to talk about it as I am alone with my thoughts.
My dad called me this morning to say that it was possible my mom would be going on to Dialysis as her kidneys were once again not functioning so great.
So I think..ok..well thats not too bad..get her on Dialysis to give the kidney's a chance to recover AND to clean all the toxins out her blood right?
Then he called to say they had put her on a ventilator..that her lungs were just not doing the job anymore.
Then my aunt calls to say things sound serious.
I start to panic.
I go straight to the hospital and I was not ready for what I saw. My mom on a ventilator. You see it in movies and it doesnt effect you that much nor does it really look like much? ...but when I saw my mom like that. My heart broke. Into pieces.
She was sedated, but started waking up when I was there. She obviously panicked, not having the faintest idea what was happening to her but with a tube down her throat.
I tried to calm her as you would a baby..but eventually the nurses had to take over and my dad and i had to leave the room as I think it was too much for either of us.
We went to find the Cardiologist and the words he said I won't forget, nor would I forget what those few words did to my dad.
"I have to be honest but it doesn't look good"
My dad said straight there and then that he will not accept that and walked away.
They had started putting my mom on the Dialysis machine so we had to wait outside..and my dad said to me that if my mom dies so will he.
I knew it was time to call my brother (he is in Australia).
He was a bit hestitant about having to come home..either not fully understanding how serious my moms condition was or not wanting to accept it either.
I told him that I told him what he had to know and that my dad and I need him now, moreso my dad as he needs someone with him 24/7 and that coming home now or not was entirely his decision and one he would have to live with for the rest of his life.
Tonight I pulled the Sister aside and just said "My brother is in Australia" She knew what I was asking and said to get him home.
He will be home on Saturday morning.
The sister also said that tonight is the critical night..and if she can get through tonight her prognosis will greatly improve.
I cried the whole way home screaming at God that he is NOT to take her now..I am NOT ready to let him have her! She has to be here to see my children grow up! I NEED her now!
I don't think either my dad or I will get much sleep tonight.
I don't even know where to start going through today's events. But I need to talk about it as I am alone with my thoughts.
My dad called me this morning to say that it was possible my mom would be going on to Dialysis as her kidneys were once again not functioning so great.
So I think..ok..well thats not too bad..get her on Dialysis to give the kidney's a chance to recover AND to clean all the toxins out her blood right?
Then he called to say they had put her on a ventilator..that her lungs were just not doing the job anymore.
Then my aunt calls to say things sound serious.
I start to panic.
I go straight to the hospital and I was not ready for what I saw. My mom on a ventilator. You see it in movies and it doesnt effect you that much nor does it really look like much? ...but when I saw my mom like that. My heart broke. Into pieces.
She was sedated, but started waking up when I was there. She obviously panicked, not having the faintest idea what was happening to her but with a tube down her throat.
I tried to calm her as you would a baby..but eventually the nurses had to take over and my dad and i had to leave the room as I think it was too much for either of us.
We went to find the Cardiologist and the words he said I won't forget, nor would I forget what those few words did to my dad.
"I have to be honest but it doesn't look good"
My dad said straight there and then that he will not accept that and walked away.
They had started putting my mom on the Dialysis machine so we had to wait outside..and my dad said to me that if my mom dies so will he.
I knew it was time to call my brother (he is in Australia).
He was a bit hestitant about having to come home..either not fully understanding how serious my moms condition was or not wanting to accept it either.
I told him that I told him what he had to know and that my dad and I need him now, moreso my dad as he needs someone with him 24/7 and that coming home now or not was entirely his decision and one he would have to live with for the rest of his life.
Tonight I pulled the Sister aside and just said "My brother is in Australia" She knew what I was asking and said to get him home.
He will be home on Saturday morning.
The sister also said that tonight is the critical night..and if she can get through tonight her prognosis will greatly improve.
I cried the whole way home screaming at God that he is NOT to take her now..I am NOT ready to let him have her! She has to be here to see my children grow up! I NEED her now!
I don't think either my dad or I will get much sleep tonight.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Happily ever after....
My dad has amazed me the last two weeks.
The devotion he has shown to my mom has been remarkable, selfless even.
They have been married 40 years - so are to each other what butter is to bread you can say.
My dad has been at the hospital EVERY day - except when he is at work (his shifts are 4 hrs - either morning or afternoon) and sits in his car between visiting hours and only leaves after 8 pm - the last visiting slot. He takes books and packs a meal for himself.
I gave him a bit of a hard time about it today as I think he needs to take care of himself too as my mom is going to need him a lot when she comes home. And, selfishly, its hard enough for me having my mom in hospital I couldn't handle my dad too.
He told me "Tanya I have to be here incase your mother needs me".
I could not argue that point.
I only wish to one day find someone so devoted to me - someone that would put me before anything else..the same as I would do to them.
Get well soon mommy..we need you home!
The devotion he has shown to my mom has been remarkable, selfless even.
They have been married 40 years - so are to each other what butter is to bread you can say.
My dad has been at the hospital EVERY day - except when he is at work (his shifts are 4 hrs - either morning or afternoon) and sits in his car between visiting hours and only leaves after 8 pm - the last visiting slot. He takes books and packs a meal for himself.
I gave him a bit of a hard time about it today as I think he needs to take care of himself too as my mom is going to need him a lot when she comes home. And, selfishly, its hard enough for me having my mom in hospital I couldn't handle my dad too.
He told me "Tanya I have to be here incase your mother needs me".
I could not argue that point.
I only wish to one day find someone so devoted to me - someone that would put me before anything else..the same as I would do to them.
Get well soon mommy..we need you home!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
So I'm home alone...
well with the kids...lol..but thats it.
J left for Cape Town today for 8 days and I must admit it is a VERY welcome break!
It was just getting too much for both of us !
J is still telling me I am making a mistake and making me out to be the bad guy in all this. That "I" am ripping the family apart. I have confidence in the fact that in time he will see it as the right thing to have done. Well actually right now I don't think I really care! lol
An update re me moving in with a friend..those plans have been shelved as quite honestly it's not going to work. I appreciate the offer by my friend but she inadvertantly sent me an email meant for another friend and after reading her true feelings on it I made my decision.
I really appreciated her offer but our friendship wouldn't withstand us living together. And I value that much more.
My mom is still in ICU - the pneumonia has still not cleared up - and her lower legs are swollen to 4 times thier normal size! I'm not actually sure why - will ask my dad tomorrow.
Thats the ONE...only ONE bum thing about J being away this week...I won't be able to go see my mom until the weekend as there is on one to watch the girls.
I started taking a bit of strain these last few days and I had I suppose what you could call a mini-meltdown last night.
I just started crying and kept on crying..I couldn't stop. I'm trying to be strong for my girls right now..trying to be strong for my dad and with the constant bickering with J it all just got a bit too much.
I just feel very alone? Maybe thats a bit harsh as I do have LOADS of people supporting me right now and without them I would be nothing right now....
But you know sometimes you just need a hug and for someone to tell you its all going to be ok!
J left for Cape Town today for 8 days and I must admit it is a VERY welcome break!
It was just getting too much for both of us !
J is still telling me I am making a mistake and making me out to be the bad guy in all this. That "I" am ripping the family apart. I have confidence in the fact that in time he will see it as the right thing to have done. Well actually right now I don't think I really care! lol
An update re me moving in with a friend..those plans have been shelved as quite honestly it's not going to work. I appreciate the offer by my friend but she inadvertantly sent me an email meant for another friend and after reading her true feelings on it I made my decision.
I really appreciated her offer but our friendship wouldn't withstand us living together. And I value that much more.
My mom is still in ICU - the pneumonia has still not cleared up - and her lower legs are swollen to 4 times thier normal size! I'm not actually sure why - will ask my dad tomorrow.
Thats the ONE...only ONE bum thing about J being away this week...I won't be able to go see my mom until the weekend as there is on one to watch the girls.
I started taking a bit of strain these last few days and I had I suppose what you could call a mini-meltdown last night.
I just started crying and kept on crying..I couldn't stop. I'm trying to be strong for my girls right now..trying to be strong for my dad and with the constant bickering with J it all just got a bit too much.
I just feel very alone? Maybe thats a bit harsh as I do have LOADS of people supporting me right now and without them I would be nothing right now....
But you know sometimes you just need a hug and for someone to tell you its all going to be ok!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Another hectic fight and some decisions.......
So this morning again we had a fight..*whats new* which resulted in me not being allowed to use the car to get to work....grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
If any thing it just strengthened my resolve!
So this evening we had an adult conversation and decided the following.
A friend has asked me to move in with her as she is also going through a divorce right now and has a spare room in the house.
I need to see how far my budget will go right now to compensate her for our board.
I told J about this and he has no opposition to it (of course)
We then discussed how we would dispose of the two properties we own.
J said he would be willing to purchase the one where we are living now...he will bond the property at a higher amount and use the "pay out" to settle our debt. In turn I will leave him most of the stuff in the house..which is fine as right now I just want this over with!
I feel happy with this arrangement as it is the quickest, most painless way to resolve this one issue.
The second property..I have no idea. If we sell now we are going to take a rather large financial knock and neither of us can really settle that now.
So we will need to discuss that further.
So for now it looks like this whole process may go rather smoothly..and amicably which is what I wanted. I don't have much energy left for more fighting!
If any thing it just strengthened my resolve!
So this evening we had an adult conversation and decided the following.
A friend has asked me to move in with her as she is also going through a divorce right now and has a spare room in the house.
I need to see how far my budget will go right now to compensate her for our board.
I told J about this and he has no opposition to it (of course)
We then discussed how we would dispose of the two properties we own.
J said he would be willing to purchase the one where we are living now...he will bond the property at a higher amount and use the "pay out" to settle our debt. In turn I will leave him most of the stuff in the house..which is fine as right now I just want this over with!
I feel happy with this arrangement as it is the quickest, most painless way to resolve this one issue.
The second property..I have no idea. If we sell now we are going to take a rather large financial knock and neither of us can really settle that now.
So we will need to discuss that further.
So for now it looks like this whole process may go rather smoothly..and amicably which is what I wanted. I don't have much energy left for more fighting!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
I left....
Where do I even start with what happened this weekend.
I'll start with my mom = they nearly lost her again on Friday night. Pneumonia set in and the meds were making her hallucinate so bad they had to restrain her to her bed. I don't know the full story..its all a bit of a blur actually = thats all I remember. The doc only told us today how close it was.
She is still in ICU but should be coming out tomorrow and moving to a general ward.
Then...
I have been living here at my dads the last two days. I don't even really know how to explain this one.
I'll be brief... J and I had a huge argument yesterday...well actually he made it huge. I was irritated because I was tired from this whole story with my mom...and I kinda said something I, in hindsight, shouldnt have.
Next thing I know he is throwing things around the house and throwing stuff of mine into the bin.
Lem started screaming at him to stop it and begging me to go to the police.
I couldnt as he had taken my cell phone and car keys away.
Then he started throwing his clothes in the bin saying it would be less for him to pack.
To be honest I don't remember the in between bits (just a lot of screaming and shouting actually)...It all happened so fast that I only remember the pivotal points right now.
I told him I was going to see my mom in hospital - he told me to pack enough stuff until tomorrow as he didn't need a fat miserable slob around = so I did and I have been staying at my dads.
I am glad for it though as i think my dad needed me here this weekend, not just for company but I've cooked for him for the week, done all his laundry etc lol.
I cant move in here right now as the two rooms I would need are full..(my parents are hoarders..think Clean House) and the girls schooling needs to be sorted out too.
But I AM going ahead with the divorce..I gave my brother the attorney's bank account details and he will do the transfer tomorrow.
"baby lets try again" my ass!!
I'll start with my mom = they nearly lost her again on Friday night. Pneumonia set in and the meds were making her hallucinate so bad they had to restrain her to her bed. I don't know the full story..its all a bit of a blur actually = thats all I remember. The doc only told us today how close it was.
She is still in ICU but should be coming out tomorrow and moving to a general ward.
Then...
I have been living here at my dads the last two days. I don't even really know how to explain this one.
I'll be brief... J and I had a huge argument yesterday...well actually he made it huge. I was irritated because I was tired from this whole story with my mom...and I kinda said something I, in hindsight, shouldnt have.
Next thing I know he is throwing things around the house and throwing stuff of mine into the bin.
Lem started screaming at him to stop it and begging me to go to the police.
I couldnt as he had taken my cell phone and car keys away.
Then he started throwing his clothes in the bin saying it would be less for him to pack.
To be honest I don't remember the in between bits (just a lot of screaming and shouting actually)...It all happened so fast that I only remember the pivotal points right now.
I told him I was going to see my mom in hospital - he told me to pack enough stuff until tomorrow as he didn't need a fat miserable slob around = so I did and I have been staying at my dads.
I am glad for it though as i think my dad needed me here this weekend, not just for company but I've cooked for him for the week, done all his laundry etc lol.
I cant move in here right now as the two rooms I would need are full..(my parents are hoarders..think Clean House) and the girls schooling needs to be sorted out too.
But I AM going ahead with the divorce..I gave my brother the attorney's bank account details and he will do the transfer tomorrow.
"baby lets try again" my ass!!
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Almost lost my mom today
My dad called me this morning early that he had just rushed my mom to hospital.
So I got there as soon as I could and the story goes like this.
They were in Swaziland playing golf over the weekend and my moms wrist started swelling.
She took and an anti inflammatory there and on Monday when they got back went to the doctor who prescribed more.
On Tuesday night my mom's stomach was "bloated" and she was in a lot of pain - my dad rushed her to the hospital - they did a few scans and checks and said they couldn't find anything really wrong but wanted to keep her overnight. My mom is rather stubborn and went home.
This morning my dad started his new job but had a bad feeling..rushed home and my mom was in tremendous pain again and couldnt move.
He rushed her back when is when I got the call.
To cut a longish story short she had a burst ulcer which needed surgery. Now my mom had blood pressure problems and heart problems so was high risk.
In Recovery her BP dropped dangerously low and they found she was anemic but due to her BP being so low they couldn't get the blood in.
And if that wasn't bad enough they also found her kidney's are not functioning properly.
I rushed through after work (after I had fetched J and the kids and dropped them at home) and she had just stabilised.
It looks like she will be ok - my mom is a real fighter!
I told her tonight I wasn't ready to lose her and she said she wasn't ready to be lost, she will still be around to annoy me for a few more years, lol.
So please send any spare prayers you have - I am not ready to lose my mommy yet.
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