Felt like blogging...

but really not sure what to blog about? lol

Its been one of those topsy turvy days? Most people at work were in a fantastic mood so for the first time in ages I had a good day at work :)

I am still job hunting though. I really really need to find something closer to home. My problem is my eldest daughter starts Grade 1 next year..and I can not drop her off before 7am. At the moment I am dropping her and her sister off at 6.30 in order for me to get to work on time.

Next year I do not know how I will drop her, her sister AND my hubby off and still get to work by 8. Never ever.

I am going to try approach my work re flexi hours..but...I know for sure my boss won't allow it. So it looks like I'll need to find something a bit closer.
It will probably mean a drop in salary its what I need to do.

On a lighter note I took the girls shopping for thier summer clothes tonight. Lol we had a blast..until we got to Woolies for my stuff...grrrrr.

Lemmie has this thing that she LOVES doing in Woolies...she runs and hides amongst the clothing racks....so I land up spending my time looking for her rather then at clothing!

After 15 min I gave up..lol..I'll go on my own tomorrow afternoon and have some me time :)

All I do is moan..

isn't it? But I really need a place to vent sometimes!!!

I don't know what is quite wrong here. Is it really me like I am often told?? I lost a friend and now about to lose a husband too.

The reasons I want to moan this week I think are pretty valid?? lol
Tuesday - J spent R3000 on Guitar Hero World Tour - we could really not afford this right now!! You know I am still wearing my maternity clothes because I haven't wanted to spend money on new clothing as we are still in quite a bit of debt due to me being off work. I even buy cheaper nappies for Saige because its a difference of R1 per nappy.
Well..let me tell you..today she got Pampers!! lol

Wednesday - Its my month end at work. Every month end for every month over the last two years I have worked late. Thats just how it is..there is no way to avoid it. I trust that J will fetch my girls from school by 6 - the time they close.
He got there at 7!! 7!! He was in a meeting and left work late. Ok he had to catch a taxi home and the taxi drops him off about 2 k's from here..but still. I can't help but be angry at him about that.
I know he is really upset too and me being upset does not benefit anyone nor help the situation but I can't help it.
I ask him for one day a month. Only one

As it is I am taking 4 days off work next week to take him to and fetch him from his training course in Midrand!

And then today he wants a divorce as "he cant do this anymore"

You know I am honestly so tired of fighting and begging and pleading now.

I am done worrying about how I will cope financially

I am done thinking "will I ever meet someone else"

I really am just done.

Wordless Wednesday - when having the wrong settings can be interesting!

See more Wordless Wednesday here

Raindrops...

We had a hectic thunderstorm the other day and I was sitting on my lounge enjoying the smells of rain, lol.
I noticed the droplets on the Agapanthus and grabbed my camera.
I'm a great fan of close up shots and I think I need to invest in a better macro lense!

I think my favourite is the first one :)

TFL :)

It’s finally over.

(Names used in this post are fictitious)

The friend I spoke of on my first post confirmed today that amends are not to be made.

We have apparently “grown in different directions”

Grown in different directions?? WTF does that mean?

How do two people that have shared everything over the last five years, just all of a sudden, overnight, “grow in different directions”??

I am truly devastated. I feel as if I have lost the love of my life. I know that sounds overly dramatic but I am heartbroken and I do not know how to cope with this.

Our daughters were the best of friends. I don’t know how I am to explain to my daughter how she will never ever have “Susie” over for a play date.

Or how she will never ever go to “Susie’s” house for a sleep over.

She cried in the car last week about how she missed “Susie” and I tried to console her by saying that its ok, myself and “Jane” will sort it out.

But it is not to be.

You know, “Jane” was meant to move abroad. I cried for two days. The thought of losing her was too much to bear.

Now that I have lost her…I don’t know what to do.

I have asked her, please, to just explain. If I knew what I had done I could understand. But she has not answered me.

I do have other friends. Quite a number in fact. But none as close as her and I were. I don’t even think the friends I have like me that much lol.I think maybe they tolerate me more then anything else.

I feel alone now. So alone. She was the only one person I could sms, call or email when something good or bad happens to me.

I now pick up my phone without thinking and then stare at it blankly.

There is no-one now.

A house guest...

I went to one of my best friends bridal shower today - What a fab day!! I was the only one with a camera so I was doing my bit while holding a niggly baby to capture the day! lol

By now you know my love for flowers - so I couldnt resist their marigold patch. I didn't notice at the time of taking the pic..but can you spot the houseguest???? :)

What a great day!! kinda...

These days having friends that span a decade or two is very rare.

I am on the left, my brother is on the right and Carey Anne in front. This was at my birthday party last year.

Today I went to my friends bridal shower whom I have known for the last 15 years! They really went all out - it was a lovely day!
Lem had an absolute blast swimming and playing with Max, their golden retriever.

There was one thing missing though. I was there alone.
Why? Cos he would rather be on his own then miserable with me. We had an argument on Wednesday night and he is still pouting about it.
I was really upset as these are really really close friends of mine..and J has missed 4 (yes 4!)
of other events of theirs we have been invited too. I play the Lone Ranger really well!

I was so cross I went shopping and spent all the money we had left till the end of the month..flip it felt good at the time..but ..urmmm...not so smart! lol

It just felt so k@k - when the Father of the bride asked where J was, I said he wasnt feeling well. So the FOB says "ja we've heard that one before"
And when the MOB asked and I gave her the same answer, she told me to stop lying for him!

I was really embarrassed ! I have a good mind to tell J not to bother about coming to the wedding either, I'll either go alone or find someone else. Knowing him he will pull his usual stunt on the day , telling me he isn't going...and then expect me to beg for a bit to get him to do.

Nah dude, my time for begging is long gone!!

Wordless Wednesday - how I feel today

If I could choose one pic to depict how I feel today..this would be it!!

see more Wordless Wednesday here

More baby pics...

These were taken last weekend - I just havent had a chance yet to download them.

I can see here my exposure was slightly off, on the close up you can see there is too much light coming from the top right? It caused a noticable glare on Saige's headband.

I so enjoy taking pics of Saige, she is always a willing subject! lol

Closer...

I often chat to my friend Jeanette about how my "people photos suck" lol!! She gave me some advice that I have been using and I really think it has made a huge difference!! I mentioned I was battling getting my aperture settings right....she told me she always uses 5.6 when shooting people..I have been trying it..starting on 5.6 and adjusting from there...Jen you were right!! I seldom need to change it!

I used to struggle with my DOF too...but nailed it here :)

Another tip I got from Jeanette was to GET CLOSER! I always used to shoot the whole top half or the whole body...now I have learned that zooming in can yield just as great shots!!

I feel great about these shots!!! The are by no means perfect - but I feel a great improvement from when I started this blog!!

Sometimes what we are searching for..

is right under our nose but we choose not to see it.

Anyone close to me will know that I have been unhappily married for some time now.

I have been wanting to get out and always looking for a sign that this isn't right for me.

I realised something.

I have spent too much time focusing on what will be when we have gone our seperate ways. Too much time fantasising about the man that I could one day end up instead of fantasising about the man I have now.

Yes, he does done wrong..very wrong (but I wont go into that now) but he has been trying to change and I haven't let him. I have been so focussed on what he doesn't do rather then what he does do and on the wrong he has done in the past rather then the good he can do in the future.

I'm going to give it another go. I really am going to try , for the sake of my girls, to hold this marriage together.

If it doesn't work I can at least then say I have tried everything and walk away with my head held high.