Losing my mom

is NOT an option for me now!

I don't even know where to start going through today's events. But I need to talk about it as I am alone with my thoughts.

My dad called me this morning to say that it was possible my mom would be going on to Dialysis as her kidneys were once again not functioning so great.
So I think..ok..well thats not too bad..get her on Dialysis to give the kidney's a chance to recover AND to clean all the toxins out her blood right?
Then he called to say they had put her on a ventilator..that her lungs were just not doing the job anymore.
Then my aunt calls to say things sound serious.

I start to panic.
I go straight to the hospital and I was not ready for what I saw. My mom on a ventilator. You see it in movies and it doesnt effect you that much nor does it really look like much? ...but when I saw my mom like that. My heart broke. Into pieces.
She was sedated, but started waking up when I was there. She obviously panicked, not having the faintest idea what was happening to her but with a tube down her throat.
I tried to calm her as you would a baby..but eventually the nurses had to take over and my dad and i had to leave the room as I think it was too much for either of us.

We went to find the Cardiologist and the words he said I won't forget, nor would I forget what those few words did to my dad.
"I have to be honest but it doesn't look good"
My dad said straight there and then that he will not accept that and walked away.

They had started putting my mom on the Dialysis machine so we had to wait outside..and my dad said to me that if my mom dies so will he.
I knew it was time to call my brother (he is in Australia).
He was a bit hestitant about having to come home..either not fully understanding how serious my moms condition was or not wanting to accept it either.
I told him that I told him what he had to know and that my dad and I need him now, moreso my dad as he needs someone with him 24/7 and that coming home now or not was entirely his decision and one he would have to live with for the rest of his life.

Tonight I pulled the Sister aside and just said "My brother is in Australia" She knew what I was asking and said to get him home.

He will be home on Saturday morning.

The sister also said that tonight is the critical night..and if she can get through tonight her prognosis will greatly improve.

I cried the whole way home screaming at God that he is NOT to take her now..I am NOT ready to let him have her! She has to be here to see my children grow up! I NEED her now!

I don't think either my dad or I will get much sleep tonight.