Ok this was meant to be a Christmas Photo post..but OMG I just read my horoscope on FB - to be honest I've never put much stock in these things.....but just take a glance at this!!!
It appears that there is something new happening in your environment at work or at home that has been developing (or taking form) for some time, Cancer. Maybe since Mercury, the planet of your house of secrets, has gone retrograde, it cannot remain secret any longer. It is, however, not as much of a problem as it might appear to be right now, because you have plenty of support from helpful people. Don't try to fight against changes now, because they are changes for the better. Start planning now for your place in the new scheme of things.
Hey??????
Ok..so seen as it is just past midnight I got tomorrows!!!!
Don't let yourself give in to thoughts of helplessness and weakness today, Cancer, because the message is actually about strength. Your partnership house is very powerful right now, and this strengthens you, astrologically. There may be talk of changing the status or nature of the relationship, but if the other person does not agree with what you want, you need to stand your ground. Today compromising or surrendering your hopes for the sake of making temporary peace will only bring about disappointment and regret. You need to be strong for the sake of your future.
blow me down with a fucking feather!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Its Christmas??
So is Christmas in 2 days. This is the first year ever I have had no christmas spirit. My tree only went up this past Sunday...other years it's been up by the 1st - without fail.
Working out my christmas menu without my mom? It doesnt seem right.
And J hasn't been the easiest of people this week either. Angel was at my house tonight and asked why I had two christmas trees.....lol. Well the reason is that on Sunday afternoon my tree got chucked out into the garden...decorations and bits of tree everywhere.
On the way home from the River Cafe on Sunday my fuel line on my car came loose..petrol was pouring out my car....J doesnt drive.
So I had to call my dad to come help me. I was cooking meals for my dad to freeze for the next week and J asked me to make lunch. Now bear in mind this was about 3pm and he had been playing his PS3 the entire day.
Umm excuse me you have 2 hands??
he got irritated I was taking so long so we got into an argument. I told him to tell his PS3 to cook for him..hahah
Anway to cut a long story short he threw his plate and stabbed a knife into my kitchen counter..while my dad was there.
Dad wants to bliksem J part 2.
Anyway...things calm down and my dad goes home.
That evening J and I got into another argument, him saying that I want xmas to be miserable for everyone and boo-fucking-hoo that its my first christmas without my mom. Oh and that I wont get a single cent from him or anything else.
He throws the tree into the garden.
I wont go into too much detail about what happened next.
I tell my dad about the tree on Monday - he happened to be at a friend (friends for about 30 years) of his who owns a Spar in Primrose. "Friend" then gives my dad a tree...AND all the trimmings!
AND he gives my dad the money for my lawyer..NO strings attached!
So now I have 2 trees (the other was rescued albeit a bit battered) and my lawyer has been paid.
It may be a good christmas afterall!
Working out my christmas menu without my mom? It doesnt seem right.
And J hasn't been the easiest of people this week either. Angel was at my house tonight and asked why I had two christmas trees.....lol. Well the reason is that on Sunday afternoon my tree got chucked out into the garden...decorations and bits of tree everywhere.
On the way home from the River Cafe on Sunday my fuel line on my car came loose..petrol was pouring out my car....J doesnt drive.
So I had to call my dad to come help me. I was cooking meals for my dad to freeze for the next week and J asked me to make lunch. Now bear in mind this was about 3pm and he had been playing his PS3 the entire day.
Umm excuse me you have 2 hands??
he got irritated I was taking so long so we got into an argument. I told him to tell his PS3 to cook for him..hahah
Anway to cut a long story short he threw his plate and stabbed a knife into my kitchen counter..while my dad was there.
Dad wants to bliksem J part 2.
Anyway...things calm down and my dad goes home.
That evening J and I got into another argument, him saying that I want xmas to be miserable for everyone and boo-fucking-hoo that its my first christmas without my mom. Oh and that I wont get a single cent from him or anything else.
He throws the tree into the garden.
I wont go into too much detail about what happened next.
I tell my dad about the tree on Monday - he happened to be at a friend (friends for about 30 years) of his who owns a Spar in Primrose. "Friend" then gives my dad a tree...AND all the trimmings!
AND he gives my dad the money for my lawyer..NO strings attached!
So now I have 2 trees (the other was rescued albeit a bit battered) and my lawyer has been paid.
It may be a good christmas afterall!
Friday, December 11, 2009
The process is in motion...
I saw my attourney this morning...the ball is rolling now!
I have mixed emotions about today. I have wanted to do it for so long, and now that the process has begun it feels odd? Like did I REALLY do that?
I'm flippen scared too.
Scared of how I am going to cope financially, how I am going to cope with the girls on my own.
Scared that I wont ever meet *the one*. Scared that my girls will one day hate me for taking them away from thier father.
J however says that "Ja we may get divorced now but we will be back together in a year". Bwhahahahah stay on the good stuff dude!
Shew..so..now I need to find somewhere to live. I've been looking around and there isnt much decent out there in my price range...so..there is a small amount of panic setting in but I do have some time :)
I have mixed emotions about today. I have wanted to do it for so long, and now that the process has begun it feels odd? Like did I REALLY do that?
I'm flippen scared too.
Scared of how I am going to cope financially, how I am going to cope with the girls on my own.
Scared that I wont ever meet *the one*. Scared that my girls will one day hate me for taking them away from thier father.
J however says that "Ja we may get divorced now but we will be back together in a year". Bwhahahahah stay on the good stuff dude!
Shew..so..now I need to find somewhere to live. I've been looking around and there isnt much decent out there in my price range...so..there is a small amount of panic setting in but I do have some time :)
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
I'm finished
Things have reached a new level of "low"
Although in saying that my decision has been made *that* much easier for me.
You know when you think that a person can not be nastier or uglier then they have been in the past and they just completely suprise you be sinking even lower?
J has completely and utterly crushed me this week. I have nothing left. I'm finished.
Mentally.
Emotionally.
Finished.
* He's taken my cell phone away.
* Refused to go to my year end function as he doesnt want to be seen with a "fat miserable bitch"
* I have had to find a lift to my function as he won't let me use the car.
* He has taken all the bank cards as they are in "his" name. The fact that they are "joint" accounts obviously means nothing right?
* He has disconnected the DSTV and Internet line at home.
* Threatened to resign and relocate as not to have to pay me maintenance.
And I quote:
"I’ve just checked my retirement fund, I have enough to hang around for 3 months giving you R15 000, and then spending 6 months to a year backpacking and doing odd jobs in Europe or the US…even South America…I’m just saying...gotta remember that I will have more freedom to do what I want, and it wouldn’t be fair to tell me don’t go see the world if it’s what I want to do …. Just be careful how hardball you want to play, I probably got bigger balls and a couple more in my court…but I’m willing to play by whatever rules you make"
and again
"I was willing to make this as easy as possible…really was, now u got me seriously thinking about resigning and relocating even…cos I can’t see myself even living in JHB with you here…'
One thing has completely destroyed me
He told me he had a conversation with Lemon over the weekend and it was very clear that she despises me.
Oh and "You may get the girls now I am so useless it wont take him long to get them taken away from me"
My lawyer isnt coming back to me *grrr* so if anyone knows of one - pls mail me?
tdaniels@gencapital.co.za
Although in saying that my decision has been made *that* much easier for me.
You know when you think that a person can not be nastier or uglier then they have been in the past and they just completely suprise you be sinking even lower?
J has completely and utterly crushed me this week. I have nothing left. I'm finished.
Mentally.
Emotionally.
Finished.
* He's taken my cell phone away.
* Refused to go to my year end function as he doesnt want to be seen with a "fat miserable bitch"
* I have had to find a lift to my function as he won't let me use the car.
* He has taken all the bank cards as they are in "his" name. The fact that they are "joint" accounts obviously means nothing right?
* He has disconnected the DSTV and Internet line at home.
* Threatened to resign and relocate as not to have to pay me maintenance.
And I quote:
"I’ve just checked my retirement fund, I have enough to hang around for 3 months giving you R15 000, and then spending 6 months to a year backpacking and doing odd jobs in Europe or the US…even South America…I’m just saying...gotta remember that I will have more freedom to do what I want, and it wouldn’t be fair to tell me don’t go see the world if it’s what I want to do …. Just be careful how hardball you want to play, I probably got bigger balls and a couple more in my court…but I’m willing to play by whatever rules you make"
and again
"I was willing to make this as easy as possible…really was, now u got me seriously thinking about resigning and relocating even…cos I can’t see myself even living in JHB with you here…'
One thing has completely destroyed me
He told me he had a conversation with Lemon over the weekend and it was very clear that she despises me.
Oh and "You may get the girls now I am so useless it wont take him long to get them taken away from me"
My lawyer isnt coming back to me *grrr* so if anyone knows of one - pls mail me?
tdaniels@gencapital.co.za
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Am I losing my mind??
So once again things at home are not that great.
Last week Thursday J and I have a huge argument on the way to work. He tells me he's had enough, he wants out and I need to call my lawyer.
After I drop him off I was speaking to my mom, asking her what I should do. Wishing she was here as she was so great to speak to.
Not even 20 mins after I get to work my lawyer calls. Now I havent spoken to my lawyer since my mom went into hospital. He says he wants to draw up the summons..what must he do?
I honestly took that as a sign?
So it all ends up with J packing his stuff on Saturday and telling me he is leaving by the end of this week.
I dont cry
I dont beg
I dont plead
The only thing I ask is that he allows me to please keep the house as rental anywhere else will be more or less the same....and at least the girls won't be uprooted too much.
He says I can keep the house, but if I buy it at market value? So bang goes that idea as I honestly wont be able to afford that. So I will have to rent somewhere.
Then this is where I question my sanity.
He can not understand why I am wanting to leave him.
Why I am wanting to "destroy" the girls lives, mine and his by getting a divorce.
He says that I am the reason for the breakdown of our marriage and that I have a chip on my shoulder that prevents me from being happy.
I think back over what I have had to put up with...what I have been through..and I can't fathom how on earth he feels justified having treated me like he has? Surely its not normal?
Those that have read here regularly will know what I have had to put up with, honestly.....surely I'm not the crazy one??
Last week Thursday J and I have a huge argument on the way to work. He tells me he's had enough, he wants out and I need to call my lawyer.
After I drop him off I was speaking to my mom, asking her what I should do. Wishing she was here as she was so great to speak to.
Not even 20 mins after I get to work my lawyer calls. Now I havent spoken to my lawyer since my mom went into hospital. He says he wants to draw up the summons..what must he do?
I honestly took that as a sign?
So it all ends up with J packing his stuff on Saturday and telling me he is leaving by the end of this week.
I dont cry
I dont beg
I dont plead
The only thing I ask is that he allows me to please keep the house as rental anywhere else will be more or less the same....and at least the girls won't be uprooted too much.
He says I can keep the house, but if I buy it at market value? So bang goes that idea as I honestly wont be able to afford that. So I will have to rent somewhere.
Then this is where I question my sanity.
He can not understand why I am wanting to leave him.
Why I am wanting to "destroy" the girls lives, mine and his by getting a divorce.
He says that I am the reason for the breakdown of our marriage and that I have a chip on my shoulder that prevents me from being happy.
I think back over what I have had to put up with...what I have been through..and I can't fathom how on earth he feels justified having treated me like he has? Surely its not normal?
Those that have read here regularly will know what I have had to put up with, honestly.....surely I'm not the crazy one??
Thursday, November 26, 2009
A picture post of my weekend away :)
Hope you guys dont mind loads of pics :) :)
My brother, dad and myself went to the Eastern Transvaal last weekend to scatter my moms ashes as she told us many many times.
We stayed here . I loved it so much I've booked for the Easter Holidays :)
There's lots of pics..I really couldn't decide which to post..so..ummm..*blush* here are all my faves!
We had to drive over this river to get to town. It was raining heavily and the bridge is level with the river..it has *storm drains* on either side. It was scary for me lol
Fabian and I preparing dinner.
Aiiii....Braaing (barbecueing) in the rain!
The spot where we laid my mom's ashes to rest. That fence is the Kruger park fence with the Crocodile river below. It was the perfect, perfect spot! Fabian and I actually got out the car to follow the hippo that was walking on the bank so I could photograph him...and we came alone this rocky outcrop.
One of my best pics ever!
The Hippo as mentioned previously. Gosh I love this place. To see wildlife like this..so close! its unbelievable!
My mom used to own this piece of ground many years ago..and sold it when they were in some financial difficulties. It was probably the biggest mistake her and my dad made....ever!
the piece of ground my dad used to own. Same story as my moms. Very sad actually. This house and the ground is now for sale..Fabian and I are talking about buying it back. (at almost 12 times what my dad sold it to this guy for!)
Flip this funny..on the Friday night Fabian and I had had one too many drinks..heheheh...and he screamed at me to quickly grab my camera as a Lion was circling our house!!! pmsl.
A momento I bought of the trip :)
Thanks so much for sharing this with me....I feel very much at peace now. I still miss my mom....terribly...but I feel very calm and proud knowing I was able to do exactly what she should have wanted!
My brother, dad and myself went to the Eastern Transvaal last weekend to scatter my moms ashes as she told us many many times.
We stayed here . I loved it so much I've booked for the Easter Holidays :)
There's lots of pics..I really couldn't decide which to post..so..ummm..*blush* here are all my faves!
We had to drive over this river to get to town. It was raining heavily and the bridge is level with the river..it has *storm drains* on either side. It was scary for me lol
Fabian and I preparing dinner.
Aiiii....Braaing (barbecueing) in the rain!
The spot where we laid my mom's ashes to rest. That fence is the Kruger park fence with the Crocodile river below. It was the perfect, perfect spot! Fabian and I actually got out the car to follow the hippo that was walking on the bank so I could photograph him...and we came alone this rocky outcrop.
One of my best pics ever!
The Hippo as mentioned previously. Gosh I love this place. To see wildlife like this..so close! its unbelievable!
My mom used to own this piece of ground many years ago..and sold it when they were in some financial difficulties. It was probably the biggest mistake her and my dad made....ever!
the piece of ground my dad used to own. Same story as my moms. Very sad actually. This house and the ground is now for sale..Fabian and I are talking about buying it back. (at almost 12 times what my dad sold it to this guy for!)
Flip this funny..on the Friday night Fabian and I had had one too many drinks..heheheh...and he screamed at me to quickly grab my camera as a Lion was circling our house!!! pmsl.
A momento I bought of the trip :)Thanks so much for sharing this with me....I feel very much at peace now. I still miss my mom....terribly...but I feel very calm and proud knowing I was able to do exactly what she should have wanted!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Happy Birthday Mommy
Mom today would have been your 70th birthday.
We had such an amazing trip planned for you to Cape Town as you had never been.
you were so excited, not only for Cape Town but for all of us being on holiday as a family. We haven't done that for over 10 years since Fabian left the country.
Instead we are going to the Eastern Transvaal to scatter your ashes. Mom I am so honoured to be able to fulfill your final wish.
Mommy I miss you so much. I miss your giggle. I miss you calling me to moan about how much dad is annoying you (which I FINALLY get btw! lol). I miss your cooking. I miss you helping me with sewing. I miss you when my girls are sick as you are the first one I always used to call. I miss you when I have had trouble at home as you always knew the right things to say..without interfering. I miss just being able to call for no reason. I miss your sense of humour.
Mom I look as this photo of you on your last birthday and my heart pains . It pains for me. It pains for dad. It pains that you won't see my girls grow up. It pains that you will never share another birthday, christmas or New Years. It pains that I will never hear your voice again.
Mom I so hope that you are at peace where you are.
Until we meet again Mom,
Love always!
We had such an amazing trip planned for you to Cape Town as you had never been.
you were so excited, not only for Cape Town but for all of us being on holiday as a family. We haven't done that for over 10 years since Fabian left the country.
Instead we are going to the Eastern Transvaal to scatter your ashes. Mom I am so honoured to be able to fulfill your final wish.
Mommy I miss you so much. I miss your giggle. I miss you calling me to moan about how much dad is annoying you (which I FINALLY get btw! lol). I miss your cooking. I miss you helping me with sewing. I miss you when my girls are sick as you are the first one I always used to call. I miss you when I have had trouble at home as you always knew the right things to say..without interfering. I miss just being able to call for no reason. I miss your sense of humour.
Mom I look as this photo of you on your last birthday and my heart pains . It pains for me. It pains for dad. It pains that you won't see my girls grow up. It pains that you will never share another birthday, christmas or New Years. It pains that I will never hear your voice again.
Mom I so hope that you are at peace where you are.
Until we meet again Mom,
Love always!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Some Family Pics
My brother and his girlfriend and some of her family flew in from Australia yesterday morning. My brothers g/f and her family are from NZ - while Megan has been here before her family haven't.
We went to Carnivores for dinner.
The reason for their visit is they had planned a five day stay in Cape town leaving on Friday...it was supposed to have been for my moms 70th birthday celebration. they are staying an extra 3 weeks driving up along the coast, my brother comes back next week Wednesday so we can fulfill my moms last wish of her ashes being scattered in the Eastern Transvaal.
He then leaves back to Oz on the Sunday again :(
Having my brother here has been an absolute blessing to me. Like a breath of fresh air. He really is almost my other half and the thought of him leaving me again is very sad. No one gets me like he does. No one understands me like he does.
Here are some pics of the evening :)
Fabian clowning around :) Carnivores are renowned for thier game meat..and this is how it is served. They keep coming around with different meats (crocodile, different buck, ostrich etc and your normal beef, pork chicken). The salads etc are on the table.
Fabian and my dad. I must post a comparison pic. You wont believe how tired, old and thin my dad has got! He is literally wasting away!
My brothers girlfriend, Megan and I.
Lastly, Fabian and I :)
UPDATE ON THE ASHES ISSUE
My dad called me this morning and said my brother spoke to him and he has decided to take all my moms ashes to the Eastern Transvaal (thanks Dad, so I'm chopped liver??). Anyway he did this without anyone at the Church seeing. So, he is STILL going ahead with the blessing (if they know the ashes are gone they wont do it as there is nothing to bless). I told him to leave the blessing, the only thing we need to make sure happens is that my moms ashes land up where she wanted them. But nope....the man won't listen *sigh*.
We went to Carnivores for dinner.
The reason for their visit is they had planned a five day stay in Cape town leaving on Friday...it was supposed to have been for my moms 70th birthday celebration. they are staying an extra 3 weeks driving up along the coast, my brother comes back next week Wednesday so we can fulfill my moms last wish of her ashes being scattered in the Eastern Transvaal.
He then leaves back to Oz on the Sunday again :(
Having my brother here has been an absolute blessing to me. Like a breath of fresh air. He really is almost my other half and the thought of him leaving me again is very sad. No one gets me like he does. No one understands me like he does.
Here are some pics of the evening :)
Fabian clowning around :) Carnivores are renowned for thier game meat..and this is how it is served. They keep coming around with different meats (crocodile, different buck, ostrich etc and your normal beef, pork chicken). The salads etc are on the table.
Fabian and my dad. I must post a comparison pic. You wont believe how tired, old and thin my dad has got! He is literally wasting away!
My brothers girlfriend, Megan and I.
Lastly, Fabian and I :)
UPDATE ON THE ASHES ISSUE
My dad called me this morning and said my brother spoke to him and he has decided to take all my moms ashes to the Eastern Transvaal (thanks Dad, so I'm chopped liver??). Anyway he did this without anyone at the Church seeing. So, he is STILL going ahead with the blessing (if they know the ashes are gone they wont do it as there is nothing to bless). I told him to leave the blessing, the only thing we need to make sure happens is that my moms ashes land up where she wanted them. But nope....the man won't listen *sigh*.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Seriously annoyed - but should I be?
I'm really annoyed with my dad though as I think he is being so selfish! I know I have shared a lot of what has been going on with him but I need to know if I am being unreasonable being upset?
My mom was never a religious person as such..ok she went to a convent but after she left she never went to church or even really lived as a practising Catholic. She actually didn’t have much liking for church at all due to her experiences at the convent.
Her wish was always that her ashes be spread over the Eastern Transvaal. ALL of them. My brother arrives home tomorrow and next week myself, my dad and my brother are going to fulfil her last wish.
Now my dad has put up a memorial plaque up at the church for her - there is a space for him too one day. Now fair enough I don’t have a problem with that.
My problem is that my dad has had half my moms ashes put there and the other half we are taking with us. My mom would NOT have wanted that! She wanted ALL her ashes over the ET..not to be split up.
And in my mind I don't feel your soul can truly rest should your body be split up?
My aunt, brother and myself mentioned this to my dad and he said Ok fine, we'll take them all. Now he phones and says he has spoken to the priest and he said its ok to leave them as they are - he has arranged a "blessing" of my moms ashes for the day we get back and my dad has invited all and sundry to the blessing and then to have tea afterwards
So my issues are no 1 that he has split her ashes and 2. that the blessing should be a private family affair not a bl@ddy circus - but my dad has always been one for pomp and ceremony anyway and I suppose the more people there the more people to feel sorry for him. I know my mom would kick his arse right now if she could!
My mom was never a religious person as such..ok she went to a convent but after she left she never went to church or even really lived as a practising Catholic. She actually didn’t have much liking for church at all due to her experiences at the convent.
Her wish was always that her ashes be spread over the Eastern Transvaal. ALL of them. My brother arrives home tomorrow and next week myself, my dad and my brother are going to fulfil her last wish.
Now my dad has put up a memorial plaque up at the church for her - there is a space for him too one day. Now fair enough I don’t have a problem with that.
My problem is that my dad has had half my moms ashes put there and the other half we are taking with us. My mom would NOT have wanted that! She wanted ALL her ashes over the ET..not to be split up.
And in my mind I don't feel your soul can truly rest should your body be split up?
My aunt, brother and myself mentioned this to my dad and he said Ok fine, we'll take them all. Now he phones and says he has spoken to the priest and he said its ok to leave them as they are - he has arranged a "blessing" of my moms ashes for the day we get back and my dad has invited all and sundry to the blessing and then to have tea afterwards
So my issues are no 1 that he has split her ashes and 2. that the blessing should be a private family affair not a bl@ddy circus - but my dad has always been one for pomp and ceremony anyway and I suppose the more people there the more people to feel sorry for him. I know my mom would kick his arse right now if she could!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Doing what I love
Anyone that knows me well knows I have a passion for beading. Specifically Jewelery.
Each of my friends have got at least one beaded item from me as a gift and I like to match the piece to the person :)
For the last few months I have had no motivation at all to make anything. I've looked at my beads but then just as quickly packed them away.
Last week a mom on a parenting forum I frequent asked me if I could make her a bracelet similar to what I made her a few years ago as she has since had another child so needed his name added too.
Its been my dream to be a Work-at-Home mom earning my living from my beading. I cant think of anything better then being surrounded by my pretty colourful beads all day creating unique pieces :)
I have been wanting to start a website for ages.....I think the motivation may slowly be creeping back :)
Here is a pic of the finished piece lol I just couldn't get the letters to sit up straight :)
Each of my friends have got at least one beaded item from me as a gift and I like to match the piece to the person :)
For the last few months I have had no motivation at all to make anything. I've looked at my beads but then just as quickly packed them away.
Last week a mom on a parenting forum I frequent asked me if I could make her a bracelet similar to what I made her a few years ago as she has since had another child so needed his name added too.
Its been my dream to be a Work-at-Home mom earning my living from my beading. I cant think of anything better then being surrounded by my pretty colourful beads all day creating unique pieces :)
I have been wanting to start a website for ages.....I think the motivation may slowly be creeping back :)
Here is a pic of the finished piece lol I just couldn't get the letters to sit up straight :)
Sunday, November 1, 2009
So my decision has been made for me..
One of the biggest factors around me moving in with my dad was Lem's schooling.
There are four schools in the area - the two my dad are zoned for are honestly cr@ppy. The one is the primary school I went to, but a LOT has changed and its now one of the worst in the area.
The 2nd is a Dual Medium school... But walking around the school I didnt feel very confident in sending Lem there. The buildings arent well maintained, nor are the grounds. The classrooms are also dark and dingy. I didnt like it at all.
The other two we are not zoned for - they are both excellent but I did favour the one over the other. I applied to the Dual medium and the two we are not zoned for. She was accepted into the dual medium, but not to the other two as they are full already with people in Zone A (the feeder area).
So - the question is do I risk Lem's education at a school that isnt half as good as the one she is in now for my dads happiness?
My answer is no. I only have once chance at Lem getting a good education. There are no second chances - so for now I will not be moving.
My dads friend told him that we should "just put Lem into a private school". Sure bud, if you are paying! And he also doesnt realise the waiting lists that the private schools have!
My dad is not happy with me not moving there though, he was all miserable and stuff today, but honestly..what does he expect me to do?
I'm sorry but I will not risk my childrens education (or anything else) for anyone.
I told him that J and I were looking at houses around here with cottages - so he could move in with us. He went on about having to sell all his stuff and getting below market prices for it (specifically the 5 cars that are just standing there) So I told him that if he wants to be in that big house alone, with all his "stuff" - then so be it. It's his choice but then he must stop crying about it.
There are four schools in the area - the two my dad are zoned for are honestly cr@ppy. The one is the primary school I went to, but a LOT has changed and its now one of the worst in the area.
The 2nd is a Dual Medium school... But walking around the school I didnt feel very confident in sending Lem there. The buildings arent well maintained, nor are the grounds. The classrooms are also dark and dingy. I didnt like it at all.
The other two we are not zoned for - they are both excellent but I did favour the one over the other. I applied to the Dual medium and the two we are not zoned for. She was accepted into the dual medium, but not to the other two as they are full already with people in Zone A (the feeder area).
So - the question is do I risk Lem's education at a school that isnt half as good as the one she is in now for my dads happiness?
My answer is no. I only have once chance at Lem getting a good education. There are no second chances - so for now I will not be moving.
My dads friend told him that we should "just put Lem into a private school". Sure bud, if you are paying! And he also doesnt realise the waiting lists that the private schools have!
My dad is not happy with me not moving there though, he was all miserable and stuff today, but honestly..what does he expect me to do?
I'm sorry but I will not risk my childrens education (or anything else) for anyone.
I told him that J and I were looking at houses around here with cottages - so he could move in with us. He went on about having to sell all his stuff and getting below market prices for it (specifically the 5 cars that are just standing there) So I told him that if he wants to be in that big house alone, with all his "stuff" - then so be it. It's his choice but then he must stop crying about it.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I'm getting a bit tired of this now
HOnestly the way I feel right now I could just get in my car and f*k off for a few days..with my cell switched off.
I'm losing the plot a bit.
I'm still jammed in the middle between my dad and J. My dad calls me every morning in tears about how lonely he is, that he cant go on in that house by himself.
I have one big problem..and that is I don't tolerate weakness in other people very well. I understand what he is going through, I really do..but right now I feel like telling him to grow a pair of balls!
I know it sounds awful...I feel awful when I think it but its just how I feel right now.
Maybe its because he is asking me 3/4/5 times a day if we are still going to move there. Him and J had a long talk on Saturday and Jason said NO, not now. Maybe in a year but not now.
So now where does this leave me?
I move in with my dad out of guilt..land up hating it and I damage my relationship with him.
I DONT move in...something happens to him I feel guilty the rest of my life.
I am so torn between what I feel for my dad and what I don't feel for J.
I honestly dont know what to do? J says I need to put myself first - and make a decision based on that. BUT..I am putting my kids first. And what a crappy mother I am..I cant decide what the best thing for them will be?
In a conversation I had with my dad during the week I told him he had two choices. Live or Die. If he wanted to die - great..he must keep doing what he is doing. Not eating, sleeping. Moping around. Crying all day. I told him that my mom would NOT have wanted that for him and she would kick his ass right now if he could.
I told him if he wanted to Live then thats what he had to start doing. He has to force himself to do things he doesnt feel like doing in order to start coming right. He works at a golf course and the guys are always asking him to bring his clubs..he never does..because he "doesnt feel like it". He loved golf! But now he says it reminds him of my mom. EVERYTHING reminds him of my mom. But he has to start getting better sooner or later doesnt he?
I'm losing the plot a bit.
I'm still jammed in the middle between my dad and J. My dad calls me every morning in tears about how lonely he is, that he cant go on in that house by himself.
I have one big problem..and that is I don't tolerate weakness in other people very well. I understand what he is going through, I really do..but right now I feel like telling him to grow a pair of balls!
I know it sounds awful...I feel awful when I think it but its just how I feel right now.
Maybe its because he is asking me 3/4/5 times a day if we are still going to move there. Him and J had a long talk on Saturday and Jason said NO, not now. Maybe in a year but not now.
So now where does this leave me?
I move in with my dad out of guilt..land up hating it and I damage my relationship with him.
I DONT move in...something happens to him I feel guilty the rest of my life.
I am so torn between what I feel for my dad and what I don't feel for J.
I honestly dont know what to do? J says I need to put myself first - and make a decision based on that. BUT..I am putting my kids first. And what a crappy mother I am..I cant decide what the best thing for them will be?
In a conversation I had with my dad during the week I told him he had two choices. Live or Die. If he wanted to die - great..he must keep doing what he is doing. Not eating, sleeping. Moping around. Crying all day. I told him that my mom would NOT have wanted that for him and she would kick his ass right now if he could.
I told him if he wanted to Live then thats what he had to start doing. He has to force himself to do things he doesnt feel like doing in order to start coming right. He works at a golf course and the guys are always asking him to bring his clubs..he never does..because he "doesnt feel like it". He loved golf! But now he says it reminds him of my mom. EVERYTHING reminds him of my mom. But he has to start getting better sooner or later doesnt he?
Monday, October 5, 2009
Where we are a week later...
I am totally exhausted if I must be honest. Running two homes is not the easiest...I haven't had a weekend to myself in months now. I feel bad complaining but right now I would kill just for one weekend where I didnt have to do laundry, cooking and cleaning in two homes.
My dad is still pressurising me about moving in there. J is still saying NO. So, I am still the meat in the sandwich and quite honestly I have no idea what to do. My heart and my head are having a fight again..lol they do this quite often.
If I could choose? I wouldnt be with either of them.
My dad started counselling today with a lady I found - she seems pretty good. I chatted to her on email a bit before my dad went to see her today. Although I had suggested to my dad two weeks ago he go see someone..he said No. His best friend AND sister suggested it, he said NO> My brother calls and suggested it - he says to me "Your brother speaks a lot of sense, he suggested I go see someone so I will" *rolls eyes* lol.
He is still not doing well at all. He calls me 6/8/10 times a day in tears because something reminded him of my mom. When I am at his house on the weekends he cries constantly and keeps saying he can't live on his own. A part of me wants to shake him and tell him that he CAN do it, that he needs to stop thinking he can't - but hopefully the therapist will help him with that.
I know my blog has been about nothing else over the last two months, but quite frankly there is nothing else going on right now that I can blog about..lol. Hopefully that will change soon!
My dad is still pressurising me about moving in there. J is still saying NO. So, I am still the meat in the sandwich and quite honestly I have no idea what to do. My heart and my head are having a fight again..lol they do this quite often.
If I could choose? I wouldnt be with either of them.
My dad started counselling today with a lady I found - she seems pretty good. I chatted to her on email a bit before my dad went to see her today. Although I had suggested to my dad two weeks ago he go see someone..he said No. His best friend AND sister suggested it, he said NO> My brother calls and suggested it - he says to me "Your brother speaks a lot of sense, he suggested I go see someone so I will" *rolls eyes* lol.
He is still not doing well at all. He calls me 6/8/10 times a day in tears because something reminded him of my mom. When I am at his house on the weekends he cries constantly and keeps saying he can't live on his own. A part of me wants to shake him and tell him that he CAN do it, that he needs to stop thinking he can't - but hopefully the therapist will help him with that.
I know my blog has been about nothing else over the last two months, but quite frankly there is nothing else going on right now that I can blog about..lol. Hopefully that will change soon!
Sunday, September 27, 2009
I almost lost my dad too....
The night my mom died was the worst of my life. Last night came in a close second.
I'm still trying to process everything that happened..so perhaps if I start from the beginning it will help.
We stay at my dads place on weekends as we were planning on moving in there in December so my dad wouldnt have to be alone - and there is a LOT of work to be done in that house before we can.
So last night J makes plans to go see some friends not too far from where my dads house is. At 5 last night my dad says he doesn't want me driving out..he will take J and if J cant get a lift back will go fetch him. Great.
My dad, myself and my children go to my Aunts (my moms sister) for dinner. While there my dad says "stuff it, J must find his own way home..or he can sleep there and he'll go fetch him in the morning". So I sms J and tell him..he says fine, he will get his own way home.
When my dad and I get home from my Aunts J is already there..he had to catch a taxi and walk some of the way...he says he doesn't want to stay over at my dads as he is upset..and would rather go home. Now remember J doesnt have a drivers license.
So I tell my dad that we are going home as J is upset.
Him and J start talking about it.....J says he wil take my car and that I can stay there..and that's when everything went pear shaped.
My dad just started screaming "I lost my wife 2 weeks ago so don't push me J, you don't know what its like to lose a wife so don't push me" and he goes on...and I swear something snapped. I have NEVER seen my dad so angry!! I thought he was going to have a heart attack on the spot...he was completely irrational! He was crazed!
I tell J to get the hell away from my dad as I am physically trying to keep my dad away from J.
J eventually gets the message and dissapears.
My dad goes insane..I have NEVER EVER seen ANYONE like my dad was last night. EVER.
He goes inside and starts pacing and throwing things and punching cupboards...Lem is screaming at my dad to calm down and "not hurt her daddy". I tried to get her out the house but she refused to go as we didn't know where J was.
My dad then pulls out his gun...he grabs the photo of my mom we had on her coffin and starts screaming that he will be with her soon..but she mustn't worry he is taking J with him. I start screaming at him to put the gun down and I try get Lem out the house but she wont leave me.
He is walking around the house with his gun screaming that he wants to be with my mom and that he cant deal with this shit anymore..and that J just pushed him to far.
I call my aunt (my dads sister) and I stand at the door so that my dad does not go looking for J.
After about 20 mins my aunt and cousin arrive and my aunt managed to calm my dad down. She told me last night that I have a choice to make...either I stay with J in my own house or I leave him and go stay with my dad. She says (and I agree) that my dad and J will never, ever be able to live together.
So - I am now in a lovely situation aren't I? I have my daughter traumatized and I have to choose between J and my dad. I know for those of you that have been following my blog it should be an easy decision but for some reason it isn't.
My aunt says I should do whats right firstly for my children..then for me. That my dad is big enough to look after himself and if I move there I will be his nursemaid.
My dad tells me to ignore my aunt.
I went to see my dad today and he tells me that if I don't move in there he will sell everything and move somewhere - no one will no where and he'll just wait to die.
So now add emotional blackmail to the list.
I swear I have NO fucking idea what to do now. NO idea. My gut feel is NOT to move in with my dad...keep my kids in their schools..near their friends.
But then my dad is going to think I am turning my back on him.
There is NO way I can win in this situation!
AND...not only am I haunted by seeing my mom struggle for her life those last few hours..but I am now haunted by the look in my dads eyes last night.
I'm still trying to process everything that happened..so perhaps if I start from the beginning it will help.
We stay at my dads place on weekends as we were planning on moving in there in December so my dad wouldnt have to be alone - and there is a LOT of work to be done in that house before we can.
So last night J makes plans to go see some friends not too far from where my dads house is. At 5 last night my dad says he doesn't want me driving out..he will take J and if J cant get a lift back will go fetch him. Great.
My dad, myself and my children go to my Aunts (my moms sister) for dinner. While there my dad says "stuff it, J must find his own way home..or he can sleep there and he'll go fetch him in the morning". So I sms J and tell him..he says fine, he will get his own way home.
When my dad and I get home from my Aunts J is already there..he had to catch a taxi and walk some of the way...he says he doesn't want to stay over at my dads as he is upset..and would rather go home. Now remember J doesnt have a drivers license.
So I tell my dad that we are going home as J is upset.
Him and J start talking about it.....J says he wil take my car and that I can stay there..and that's when everything went pear shaped.
My dad just started screaming "I lost my wife 2 weeks ago so don't push me J, you don't know what its like to lose a wife so don't push me" and he goes on...and I swear something snapped. I have NEVER seen my dad so angry!! I thought he was going to have a heart attack on the spot...he was completely irrational! He was crazed!
I tell J to get the hell away from my dad as I am physically trying to keep my dad away from J.
J eventually gets the message and dissapears.
My dad goes insane..I have NEVER EVER seen ANYONE like my dad was last night. EVER.
He goes inside and starts pacing and throwing things and punching cupboards...Lem is screaming at my dad to calm down and "not hurt her daddy". I tried to get her out the house but she refused to go as we didn't know where J was.
My dad then pulls out his gun...he grabs the photo of my mom we had on her coffin and starts screaming that he will be with her soon..but she mustn't worry he is taking J with him. I start screaming at him to put the gun down and I try get Lem out the house but she wont leave me.
He is walking around the house with his gun screaming that he wants to be with my mom and that he cant deal with this shit anymore..and that J just pushed him to far.
I call my aunt (my dads sister) and I stand at the door so that my dad does not go looking for J.
After about 20 mins my aunt and cousin arrive and my aunt managed to calm my dad down. She told me last night that I have a choice to make...either I stay with J in my own house or I leave him and go stay with my dad. She says (and I agree) that my dad and J will never, ever be able to live together.
So - I am now in a lovely situation aren't I? I have my daughter traumatized and I have to choose between J and my dad. I know for those of you that have been following my blog it should be an easy decision but for some reason it isn't.
My aunt says I should do whats right firstly for my children..then for me. That my dad is big enough to look after himself and if I move there I will be his nursemaid.
My dad tells me to ignore my aunt.
I went to see my dad today and he tells me that if I don't move in there he will sell everything and move somewhere - no one will no where and he'll just wait to die.
So now add emotional blackmail to the list.
I swear I have NO fucking idea what to do now. NO idea. My gut feel is NOT to move in with my dad...keep my kids in their schools..near their friends.
But then my dad is going to think I am turning my back on him.
There is NO way I can win in this situation!
AND...not only am I haunted by seeing my mom struggle for her life those last few hours..but I am now haunted by the look in my dads eyes last night.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
My final words to my mommy....
I know I haven't updated in a while, things have been so hectic and I haven't really been able to talk too much about my mom without getting too emotional. Please forgive the long post.
My moms funeral was on Monday, and it was a truly beautiful service! I felt so at peace afterwards...although throughout I was rather emotional - as was my dad. We were sitting in the front row and my moms coffin was right next to us, it was still unreal to us...like it wasn't happening? I delivered a eulogy and after I spoke we played my moms favourite song - You'll never walk alone by Gerry and the pacemakers. That song will from now always be a favourite of mine.
My brother and I went to view my mom's body in the morning - I persuaded my dad not to go as I don't think he would have handled it. My mom looked so beautiful, so at peace. When she first went into hospital my dad was in such a tizz he hadn't packed anything for her - so I stopped at Woolies and I bought her new pyjamas and slippers and bath goodies. She never got to wear the nightdress I had bought - thats what we chose to dress her in in her casket. She looked so pretty.
The only friend of mine that made it to the funeral was Jeanette. I didn't see her before the service, only after. And when I saw her I gave her a great big hug and started crying. You know there were so many people there for "us" - as a family. But Jeanette was there for ME. It made such a difference! Jeanette thank you so much for caring enough for me to be there - I know how busy you are and you'll never know how much I appreciate you being there! I'll never forget that!
I'm not going to paste my whole eulogy - there were a lot of thankyou's, lol. This was what I said about my mom:
href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CTanya%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml">Dynamite comes in small packages is such a cliché but so apt when speaking about my mom. She was a tiny little thing but she packed a mighty punch.
My mom was so well loved by everyone, she was always the life of any function, ready to hit the dancefloor or liven up the conversation with a joke. She had an awesome, and sometimes naughty sense of humour. Even I blushed at times.
My mom was an amazing cook..boy could she cook!! She could honestly make something amazing out of the bare essentials. My mom would look at a picture in a recipe book and produce the same dish, without even reading the recipe. And often sent little bakkies of food with my dad to work for me – she knew exactly which of her dishes were my favourites. Even after the 5 years of chefs training that I had could I not make fried chicken like she did.
My mom was so artistic and creative, sewed 90% of her own clothes – she always used the excuse that nothing in the shops fitted her properly as she was so tiny..but I know she loved it. She even made my wedding dress and I was so proud to wear MY dress. That MY mom made.
Dad – you and mom were married 47 yrs - you did everything together , you were two peas in a pod. There was never a John without a Maureen. Dad I promise I am going to be there for you s much as I can. And I ask the same from your friends, to please not forget about my dad in a week, in month.
My mom was selfless. She so often went without in order for my dad, Fabian or myself to have something we wanted. Not even needed. She ALWAYS put us first, unconditionally. That wasn’t even a question in her mind. It’s just how it was.
Mom I am going to miss you so much. I am going to miss your laugh, I am going to miss our skelm smokes when you thought dad wasn’t watching, I am going to miss sharing my daughters milestones with you. I am going to miss your cooking, I am going to miss your advice. My daughters are going to miss their nana.
Mom watching you struggle those last few days was the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. I know you are in a better place now and will always be watching over us. I promise to look after dad as well as I can. I promise to never let my daughters forget you and I promise to be the kind of wife and mother that you were – always putting my family first.
Good bye mom, until we meet again.
My moms funeral was on Monday, and it was a truly beautiful service! I felt so at peace afterwards...although throughout I was rather emotional - as was my dad. We were sitting in the front row and my moms coffin was right next to us, it was still unreal to us...like it wasn't happening? I delivered a eulogy and after I spoke we played my moms favourite song - You'll never walk alone by Gerry and the pacemakers. That song will from now always be a favourite of mine.
My brother and I went to view my mom's body in the morning - I persuaded my dad not to go as I don't think he would have handled it. My mom looked so beautiful, so at peace. When she first went into hospital my dad was in such a tizz he hadn't packed anything for her - so I stopped at Woolies and I bought her new pyjamas and slippers and bath goodies. She never got to wear the nightdress I had bought - thats what we chose to dress her in in her casket. She looked so pretty.
The only friend of mine that made it to the funeral was Jeanette. I didn't see her before the service, only after. And when I saw her I gave her a great big hug and started crying. You know there were so many people there for "us" - as a family. But Jeanette was there for ME. It made such a difference! Jeanette thank you so much for caring enough for me to be there - I know how busy you are and you'll never know how much I appreciate you being there! I'll never forget that!
I'm not going to paste my whole eulogy - there were a lot of thankyou's, lol. This was what I said about my mom:
href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CTanya%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml">Dynamite comes in small packages is such a cliché but so apt when speaking about my mom. She was a tiny little thing but she packed a mighty punch.
My mom was so well loved by everyone, she was always the life of any function, ready to hit the dancefloor or liven up the conversation with a joke. She had an awesome, and sometimes naughty sense of humour. Even I blushed at times.
My mom was an amazing cook..boy could she cook!! She could honestly make something amazing out of the bare essentials. My mom would look at a picture in a recipe book and produce the same dish, without even reading the recipe. And often sent little bakkies of food with my dad to work for me – she knew exactly which of her dishes were my favourites. Even after the 5 years of chefs training that I had could I not make fried chicken like she did.
My mom was so artistic and creative, sewed 90% of her own clothes – she always used the excuse that nothing in the shops fitted her properly as she was so tiny..but I know she loved it. She even made my wedding dress and I was so proud to wear MY dress. That MY mom made.
Dad – you and mom were married 47 yrs - you did everything together , you were two peas in a pod. There was never a John without a Maureen. Dad I promise I am going to be there for you s much as I can. And I ask the same from your friends, to please not forget about my dad in a week, in month.
My mom was selfless. She so often went without in order for my dad, Fabian or myself to have something we wanted. Not even needed. She ALWAYS put us first, unconditionally. That wasn’t even a question in her mind. It’s just how it was.
Mom I am going to miss you so much. I am going to miss your laugh, I am going to miss our skelm smokes when you thought dad wasn’t watching, I am going to miss sharing my daughters milestones with you. I am going to miss your cooking, I am going to miss your advice. My daughters are going to miss their nana.
Mom watching you struggle those last few days was the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. I know you are in a better place now and will always be watching over us. I promise to look after dad as well as I can. I promise to never let my daughters forget you and I promise to be the kind of wife and mother that you were – always putting my family first.
Good bye mom, until we meet again.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
My mommy is gone....
Last night just after 6 the hospital called me and said my moms blood gasses were extremely high and we were to get there asap as it didnt look good. I met my dad and brother there just after 7. We saw my mom and we were told she is now on the maximum adrenaline they can give to keep her heart going and that her blood gasses were so high it indicated massive organ failure and they didn't expect her to make it through the night. We sat with her talking, watching her struggling until just before 12. We decided to go lie down in the the visitors lounge for us all, incl my mom to get some rest. My dad the whole time still hoping for a miracle. Just a small indication she was still going to be ok.
My dad refused to leave her. Just after 12.30 my aunt woke me and said she was leaving so I walked her out. On the way up I stopped at my mom and the sister said she was taking blankets and pillows for us and my dad was in the lounge.
I sat with my mom for about 15 minutes, till just before 1. She was still struggling. I told her how much I loved her and I so badly wanted her to come home.
I left her just before 1.
At 1.30 the nurses came to wake us and told her her heart rate was really low..when we got there her heart was beating at a beat a minute, until it just couldnt anymore and she flatlined.
We held my moms hand as she died.
You know we had been watching those machines so closely for the last month - hoping, praying they would one by one be taken away.
Last night at 1.30 they were.
My mom looked so at peace - finally free of the struggle to live.
My dad is not taking it well at all. He is honestly falling apart and I dont know how to help him. I dont know how he is going to cope being alone in that house when my brother goes back to Oz.
Today while helping him tidy up I found a dress my mom had started sewing for Saige that I am going to finish. As well as an outfit for Lem. Watching my dad unpack her hospital bag was also so hard.
The funeral is on Monday and I honestly don't know how my dad is going to get through it. My heart so goes out to him right now. He cant even get through a phone call without having to pass me the phone. I just pray he finds the courage and strength to get through this, one day at a time.
My dad refused to leave her. Just after 12.30 my aunt woke me and said she was leaving so I walked her out. On the way up I stopped at my mom and the sister said she was taking blankets and pillows for us and my dad was in the lounge.
I sat with my mom for about 15 minutes, till just before 1. She was still struggling. I told her how much I loved her and I so badly wanted her to come home.
I left her just before 1.
At 1.30 the nurses came to wake us and told her her heart rate was really low..when we got there her heart was beating at a beat a minute, until it just couldnt anymore and she flatlined.
We held my moms hand as she died.
You know we had been watching those machines so closely for the last month - hoping, praying they would one by one be taken away.
Last night at 1.30 they were.
My mom looked so at peace - finally free of the struggle to live.
My dad is not taking it well at all. He is honestly falling apart and I dont know how to help him. I dont know how he is going to cope being alone in that house when my brother goes back to Oz.
Today while helping him tidy up I found a dress my mom had started sewing for Saige that I am going to finish. As well as an outfit for Lem. Watching my dad unpack her hospital bag was also so hard.
The funeral is on Monday and I honestly don't know how my dad is going to get through it. My heart so goes out to him right now. He cant even get through a phone call without having to pass me the phone. I just pray he finds the courage and strength to get through this, one day at a time.
Monday, August 31, 2009
My Mommy isnt coming home
I can not even begin to describe how I am feeling right now. I am devastated. Truly.
I am also angry. My daughters were NOT meant to grow up without thier Nana. My mom was supposed to see my girls grow up, to sew their matric dance dresses and to maybe see them have children.
They were NOT meant to grow up looking at pictures of Nana!
The last week has been on of the toughest, longest of my life.
My mom has not improved - at all.
My mom is not responding to any of the antibiotics.
My mom's lungs are not breathing on thier own - today the ventilator was turned up.
My mom's heart can not beat without adrenaline - today the dosage tripled
My mom's kidney's are still not working - she is still on dialysis for 6 hours a day
My mom has jaundice and they suspect liver damage
My mom is not coming home.
My only wish right now is that God takes her soon so she can stop suffering. So so she can stop struggling to live.
I pray for God to give me the strength to get through this and be strong with for my dad.
I am also angry. My daughters were NOT meant to grow up without thier Nana. My mom was supposed to see my girls grow up, to sew their matric dance dresses and to maybe see them have children.
They were NOT meant to grow up looking at pictures of Nana!
The last week has been on of the toughest, longest of my life.
My mom has not improved - at all.
My mom is not responding to any of the antibiotics.
My mom's lungs are not breathing on thier own - today the ventilator was turned up.
My mom's heart can not beat without adrenaline - today the dosage tripled
My mom's kidney's are still not working - she is still on dialysis for 6 hours a day
My mom has jaundice and they suspect liver damage
My mom is not coming home.
My only wish right now is that God takes her soon so she can stop suffering. So so she can stop struggling to live.
I pray for God to give me the strength to get through this and be strong with for my dad.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Losing my mom
is NOT an option for me now!
I don't even know where to start going through today's events. But I need to talk about it as I am alone with my thoughts.
My dad called me this morning to say that it was possible my mom would be going on to Dialysis as her kidneys were once again not functioning so great.
So I think..ok..well thats not too bad..get her on Dialysis to give the kidney's a chance to recover AND to clean all the toxins out her blood right?
Then he called to say they had put her on a ventilator..that her lungs were just not doing the job anymore.
Then my aunt calls to say things sound serious.
I start to panic.
I go straight to the hospital and I was not ready for what I saw. My mom on a ventilator. You see it in movies and it doesnt effect you that much nor does it really look like much? ...but when I saw my mom like that. My heart broke. Into pieces.
She was sedated, but started waking up when I was there. She obviously panicked, not having the faintest idea what was happening to her but with a tube down her throat.
I tried to calm her as you would a baby..but eventually the nurses had to take over and my dad and i had to leave the room as I think it was too much for either of us.
We went to find the Cardiologist and the words he said I won't forget, nor would I forget what those few words did to my dad.
"I have to be honest but it doesn't look good"
My dad said straight there and then that he will not accept that and walked away.
They had started putting my mom on the Dialysis machine so we had to wait outside..and my dad said to me that if my mom dies so will he.
I knew it was time to call my brother (he is in Australia).
He was a bit hestitant about having to come home..either not fully understanding how serious my moms condition was or not wanting to accept it either.
I told him that I told him what he had to know and that my dad and I need him now, moreso my dad as he needs someone with him 24/7 and that coming home now or not was entirely his decision and one he would have to live with for the rest of his life.
Tonight I pulled the Sister aside and just said "My brother is in Australia" She knew what I was asking and said to get him home.
He will be home on Saturday morning.
The sister also said that tonight is the critical night..and if she can get through tonight her prognosis will greatly improve.
I cried the whole way home screaming at God that he is NOT to take her now..I am NOT ready to let him have her! She has to be here to see my children grow up! I NEED her now!
I don't think either my dad or I will get much sleep tonight.
I don't even know where to start going through today's events. But I need to talk about it as I am alone with my thoughts.
My dad called me this morning to say that it was possible my mom would be going on to Dialysis as her kidneys were once again not functioning so great.
So I think..ok..well thats not too bad..get her on Dialysis to give the kidney's a chance to recover AND to clean all the toxins out her blood right?
Then he called to say they had put her on a ventilator..that her lungs were just not doing the job anymore.
Then my aunt calls to say things sound serious.
I start to panic.
I go straight to the hospital and I was not ready for what I saw. My mom on a ventilator. You see it in movies and it doesnt effect you that much nor does it really look like much? ...but when I saw my mom like that. My heart broke. Into pieces.
She was sedated, but started waking up when I was there. She obviously panicked, not having the faintest idea what was happening to her but with a tube down her throat.
I tried to calm her as you would a baby..but eventually the nurses had to take over and my dad and i had to leave the room as I think it was too much for either of us.
We went to find the Cardiologist and the words he said I won't forget, nor would I forget what those few words did to my dad.
"I have to be honest but it doesn't look good"
My dad said straight there and then that he will not accept that and walked away.
They had started putting my mom on the Dialysis machine so we had to wait outside..and my dad said to me that if my mom dies so will he.
I knew it was time to call my brother (he is in Australia).
He was a bit hestitant about having to come home..either not fully understanding how serious my moms condition was or not wanting to accept it either.
I told him that I told him what he had to know and that my dad and I need him now, moreso my dad as he needs someone with him 24/7 and that coming home now or not was entirely his decision and one he would have to live with for the rest of his life.
Tonight I pulled the Sister aside and just said "My brother is in Australia" She knew what I was asking and said to get him home.
He will be home on Saturday morning.
The sister also said that tonight is the critical night..and if she can get through tonight her prognosis will greatly improve.
I cried the whole way home screaming at God that he is NOT to take her now..I am NOT ready to let him have her! She has to be here to see my children grow up! I NEED her now!
I don't think either my dad or I will get much sleep tonight.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Happily ever after....
My dad has amazed me the last two weeks.
The devotion he has shown to my mom has been remarkable, selfless even.
They have been married 40 years - so are to each other what butter is to bread you can say.
My dad has been at the hospital EVERY day - except when he is at work (his shifts are 4 hrs - either morning or afternoon) and sits in his car between visiting hours and only leaves after 8 pm - the last visiting slot. He takes books and packs a meal for himself.
I gave him a bit of a hard time about it today as I think he needs to take care of himself too as my mom is going to need him a lot when she comes home. And, selfishly, its hard enough for me having my mom in hospital I couldn't handle my dad too.
He told me "Tanya I have to be here incase your mother needs me".
I could not argue that point.
I only wish to one day find someone so devoted to me - someone that would put me before anything else..the same as I would do to them.
Get well soon mommy..we need you home!
The devotion he has shown to my mom has been remarkable, selfless even.
They have been married 40 years - so are to each other what butter is to bread you can say.
My dad has been at the hospital EVERY day - except when he is at work (his shifts are 4 hrs - either morning or afternoon) and sits in his car between visiting hours and only leaves after 8 pm - the last visiting slot. He takes books and packs a meal for himself.
I gave him a bit of a hard time about it today as I think he needs to take care of himself too as my mom is going to need him a lot when she comes home. And, selfishly, its hard enough for me having my mom in hospital I couldn't handle my dad too.
He told me "Tanya I have to be here incase your mother needs me".
I could not argue that point.
I only wish to one day find someone so devoted to me - someone that would put me before anything else..the same as I would do to them.
Get well soon mommy..we need you home!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
So I'm home alone...
well with the kids...lol..but thats it.
J left for Cape Town today for 8 days and I must admit it is a VERY welcome break!
It was just getting too much for both of us !
J is still telling me I am making a mistake and making me out to be the bad guy in all this. That "I" am ripping the family apart. I have confidence in the fact that in time he will see it as the right thing to have done. Well actually right now I don't think I really care! lol
An update re me moving in with a friend..those plans have been shelved as quite honestly it's not going to work. I appreciate the offer by my friend but she inadvertantly sent me an email meant for another friend and after reading her true feelings on it I made my decision.
I really appreciated her offer but our friendship wouldn't withstand us living together. And I value that much more.
My mom is still in ICU - the pneumonia has still not cleared up - and her lower legs are swollen to 4 times thier normal size! I'm not actually sure why - will ask my dad tomorrow.
Thats the ONE...only ONE bum thing about J being away this week...I won't be able to go see my mom until the weekend as there is on one to watch the girls.
I started taking a bit of strain these last few days and I had I suppose what you could call a mini-meltdown last night.
I just started crying and kept on crying..I couldn't stop. I'm trying to be strong for my girls right now..trying to be strong for my dad and with the constant bickering with J it all just got a bit too much.
I just feel very alone? Maybe thats a bit harsh as I do have LOADS of people supporting me right now and without them I would be nothing right now....
But you know sometimes you just need a hug and for someone to tell you its all going to be ok!
J left for Cape Town today for 8 days and I must admit it is a VERY welcome break!
It was just getting too much for both of us !
J is still telling me I am making a mistake and making me out to be the bad guy in all this. That "I" am ripping the family apart. I have confidence in the fact that in time he will see it as the right thing to have done. Well actually right now I don't think I really care! lol
An update re me moving in with a friend..those plans have been shelved as quite honestly it's not going to work. I appreciate the offer by my friend but she inadvertantly sent me an email meant for another friend and after reading her true feelings on it I made my decision.
I really appreciated her offer but our friendship wouldn't withstand us living together. And I value that much more.
My mom is still in ICU - the pneumonia has still not cleared up - and her lower legs are swollen to 4 times thier normal size! I'm not actually sure why - will ask my dad tomorrow.
Thats the ONE...only ONE bum thing about J being away this week...I won't be able to go see my mom until the weekend as there is on one to watch the girls.
I started taking a bit of strain these last few days and I had I suppose what you could call a mini-meltdown last night.
I just started crying and kept on crying..I couldn't stop. I'm trying to be strong for my girls right now..trying to be strong for my dad and with the constant bickering with J it all just got a bit too much.
I just feel very alone? Maybe thats a bit harsh as I do have LOADS of people supporting me right now and without them I would be nothing right now....
But you know sometimes you just need a hug and for someone to tell you its all going to be ok!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Another hectic fight and some decisions.......
So this morning again we had a fight..*whats new* which resulted in me not being allowed to use the car to get to work....grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
If any thing it just strengthened my resolve!
So this evening we had an adult conversation and decided the following.
A friend has asked me to move in with her as she is also going through a divorce right now and has a spare room in the house.
I need to see how far my budget will go right now to compensate her for our board.
I told J about this and he has no opposition to it (of course)
We then discussed how we would dispose of the two properties we own.
J said he would be willing to purchase the one where we are living now...he will bond the property at a higher amount and use the "pay out" to settle our debt. In turn I will leave him most of the stuff in the house..which is fine as right now I just want this over with!
I feel happy with this arrangement as it is the quickest, most painless way to resolve this one issue.
The second property..I have no idea. If we sell now we are going to take a rather large financial knock and neither of us can really settle that now.
So we will need to discuss that further.
So for now it looks like this whole process may go rather smoothly..and amicably which is what I wanted. I don't have much energy left for more fighting!
If any thing it just strengthened my resolve!
So this evening we had an adult conversation and decided the following.
A friend has asked me to move in with her as she is also going through a divorce right now and has a spare room in the house.
I need to see how far my budget will go right now to compensate her for our board.
I told J about this and he has no opposition to it (of course)
We then discussed how we would dispose of the two properties we own.
J said he would be willing to purchase the one where we are living now...he will bond the property at a higher amount and use the "pay out" to settle our debt. In turn I will leave him most of the stuff in the house..which is fine as right now I just want this over with!
I feel happy with this arrangement as it is the quickest, most painless way to resolve this one issue.
The second property..I have no idea. If we sell now we are going to take a rather large financial knock and neither of us can really settle that now.
So we will need to discuss that further.
So for now it looks like this whole process may go rather smoothly..and amicably which is what I wanted. I don't have much energy left for more fighting!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
I left....
Where do I even start with what happened this weekend.
I'll start with my mom = they nearly lost her again on Friday night. Pneumonia set in and the meds were making her hallucinate so bad they had to restrain her to her bed. I don't know the full story..its all a bit of a blur actually = thats all I remember. The doc only told us today how close it was.
She is still in ICU but should be coming out tomorrow and moving to a general ward.
Then...
I have been living here at my dads the last two days. I don't even really know how to explain this one.
I'll be brief... J and I had a huge argument yesterday...well actually he made it huge. I was irritated because I was tired from this whole story with my mom...and I kinda said something I, in hindsight, shouldnt have.
Next thing I know he is throwing things around the house and throwing stuff of mine into the bin.
Lem started screaming at him to stop it and begging me to go to the police.
I couldnt as he had taken my cell phone and car keys away.
Then he started throwing his clothes in the bin saying it would be less for him to pack.
To be honest I don't remember the in between bits (just a lot of screaming and shouting actually)...It all happened so fast that I only remember the pivotal points right now.
I told him I was going to see my mom in hospital - he told me to pack enough stuff until tomorrow as he didn't need a fat miserable slob around = so I did and I have been staying at my dads.
I am glad for it though as i think my dad needed me here this weekend, not just for company but I've cooked for him for the week, done all his laundry etc lol.
I cant move in here right now as the two rooms I would need are full..(my parents are hoarders..think Clean House) and the girls schooling needs to be sorted out too.
But I AM going ahead with the divorce..I gave my brother the attorney's bank account details and he will do the transfer tomorrow.
"baby lets try again" my ass!!
I'll start with my mom = they nearly lost her again on Friday night. Pneumonia set in and the meds were making her hallucinate so bad they had to restrain her to her bed. I don't know the full story..its all a bit of a blur actually = thats all I remember. The doc only told us today how close it was.
She is still in ICU but should be coming out tomorrow and moving to a general ward.
Then...
I have been living here at my dads the last two days. I don't even really know how to explain this one.
I'll be brief... J and I had a huge argument yesterday...well actually he made it huge. I was irritated because I was tired from this whole story with my mom...and I kinda said something I, in hindsight, shouldnt have.
Next thing I know he is throwing things around the house and throwing stuff of mine into the bin.
Lem started screaming at him to stop it and begging me to go to the police.
I couldnt as he had taken my cell phone and car keys away.
Then he started throwing his clothes in the bin saying it would be less for him to pack.
To be honest I don't remember the in between bits (just a lot of screaming and shouting actually)...It all happened so fast that I only remember the pivotal points right now.
I told him I was going to see my mom in hospital - he told me to pack enough stuff until tomorrow as he didn't need a fat miserable slob around = so I did and I have been staying at my dads.
I am glad for it though as i think my dad needed me here this weekend, not just for company but I've cooked for him for the week, done all his laundry etc lol.
I cant move in here right now as the two rooms I would need are full..(my parents are hoarders..think Clean House) and the girls schooling needs to be sorted out too.
But I AM going ahead with the divorce..I gave my brother the attorney's bank account details and he will do the transfer tomorrow.
"baby lets try again" my ass!!
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Almost lost my mom today
My dad called me this morning early that he had just rushed my mom to hospital.
So I got there as soon as I could and the story goes like this.
They were in Swaziland playing golf over the weekend and my moms wrist started swelling.
She took and an anti inflammatory there and on Monday when they got back went to the doctor who prescribed more.
On Tuesday night my mom's stomach was "bloated" and she was in a lot of pain - my dad rushed her to the hospital - they did a few scans and checks and said they couldn't find anything really wrong but wanted to keep her overnight. My mom is rather stubborn and went home.
This morning my dad started his new job but had a bad feeling..rushed home and my mom was in tremendous pain again and couldnt move.
He rushed her back when is when I got the call.
To cut a longish story short she had a burst ulcer which needed surgery. Now my mom had blood pressure problems and heart problems so was high risk.
In Recovery her BP dropped dangerously low and they found she was anemic but due to her BP being so low they couldn't get the blood in.
And if that wasn't bad enough they also found her kidney's are not functioning properly.
I rushed through after work (after I had fetched J and the kids and dropped them at home) and she had just stabilised.
It looks like she will be ok - my mom is a real fighter!
I told her tonight I wasn't ready to lose her and she said she wasn't ready to be lost, she will still be around to annoy me for a few more years, lol.
So please send any spare prayers you have - I am not ready to lose my mommy yet.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Different shades of Hibiscus :)
I was walking around my garden tonight and landed up at my poor Hibisicus...she has been ravaged by this winter. As I am not much of a gardener at all (although I do try hard) I don't give her much hope of surviving to summer.
The Hibiscus is my favourite of all shrubs/trees. The blooms make me feel so happy which is why I have always wanted a tree of my own! Best I do some reading then to see how to save her.
These are some pics I took on our recent holiday to the coast...the white/pink combination is the one you get plenty off. I have seen red before..but never have I seen plain white!
I know there are all sorts of things wrong with these pics, from the focus to the WB and the lighting, but I wanted to share a little bit of my "happiness" :)
The Hibiscus is my favourite of all shrubs/trees. The blooms make me feel so happy which is why I have always wanted a tree of my own! Best I do some reading then to see how to save her.
These are some pics I took on our recent holiday to the coast...the white/pink combination is the one you get plenty off. I have seen red before..but never have I seen plain white!
I know there are all sorts of things wrong with these pics, from the focus to the WB and the lighting, but I wanted to share a little bit of my "happiness" :)
Saturday, July 25, 2009
I'm a bit upset
Its Lemon's 7th Birthday today....and NO family other then my mom called, sms'd emailed or anything to wish her for her birthday!!!
With friends its ok as her party is only next week so there will be MORE then enough wishes going round.
But for NO family to wish her? Not my brother, or any of J's two sisters or brother?
And this isn't the first year it's happened - and I get just as pissed off every year!
And then they give me this BS about "how much they miss her" (they are all overseas).
Ag pls man try showing it sometimes!! Its bad enough Lem only gets to see them once every two years or so!
Thanks..just needed to get that off my chest!
But - Lem my baby, Happy Birthday! You are an absolute joy in my life (even with the tantrums) And I think this photo taken by Jeanette shows exactly who you are!!
May you have many many more years with me my baby!
With friends its ok as her party is only next week so there will be MORE then enough wishes going round.
But for NO family to wish her? Not my brother, or any of J's two sisters or brother?
And this isn't the first year it's happened - and I get just as pissed off every year!
And then they give me this BS about "how much they miss her" (they are all overseas).
Ag pls man try showing it sometimes!! Its bad enough Lem only gets to see them once every two years or so!
Thanks..just needed to get that off my chest!
But - Lem my baby, Happy Birthday! You are an absolute joy in my life (even with the tantrums) And I think this photo taken by Jeanette shows exactly who you are!!
May you have many many more years with me my baby!
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
So I suggested therapy
Or couples counseling as in my mind if he really wants us to give it another go he would try anything right?
Ha jokes on me.
He said he would gladly go - to find out what was wrong with me!!
I was so shocked I laughed! In my opinion whats wrong with us can not be fixed by us. I truly believe that. He disagrees.
According to him its MY attitude that needs changing.
I think he is making my decision very easy!
Ha jokes on me.
He said he would gladly go - to find out what was wrong with me!!
I was so shocked I laughed! In my opinion whats wrong with us can not be fixed by us. I truly believe that. He disagrees.
According to him its MY attitude that needs changing.
I think he is making my decision very easy!
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Finally..a good day!!
I am glad to be able to post something happy for a change. I had an awesome awesome day today....the kind of day that when you think about it you smile again :)
The girls and I had a photoshoot with Jeanette this morning, and it was loads of fun! Lol the funniest ever....when we got there I couldn't figure out why the girls dresses looked funny...Jeanette (being the mom of boys) realised their dresses were on back to front!! My gosh I haven't laughed that much in ages! Then the shoot itself was loads of fun too..Jeanette found a stunning location and I am sure got some amazing shots of the girls :)
For lunch we went to the Spur..nothing beats a good lunch at the Spur :)
I bumped into some friends I haven't seen for ages - lol they happen to be male and my gosh they were looking very good! :)
Back to school for Lem tomorrow...I have to go check uniforms and bags - night all!
The girls and I had a photoshoot with Jeanette this morning, and it was loads of fun! Lol the funniest ever....when we got there I couldn't figure out why the girls dresses looked funny...Jeanette (being the mom of boys) realised their dresses were on back to front!! My gosh I haven't laughed that much in ages! Then the shoot itself was loads of fun too..Jeanette found a stunning location and I am sure got some amazing shots of the girls :)
For lunch we went to the Spur..nothing beats a good lunch at the Spur :)
I bumped into some friends I haven't seen for ages - lol they happen to be male and my gosh they were looking very good! :)
Back to school for Lem tomorrow...I have to go check uniforms and bags - night all!
Friday, July 17, 2009
It was a week ago...
Can you believe its been a whole week since I made one of the biggest decisions I have made in years.
To say this week has been tumultuous is an undestatement. I have been wrestling with my decision constantly. And my decision has been wrestling back!
J has asked that we try again.
For 6 months.
I am torn right now.
Last week Friday my head and my heart were in total agreement. For once. For once they both agreed on what was the next step forward.
Now after yesterday they are once again at war.
Last week I was so clear on what had to be done and had totally made peace with my decision, so much so that anyone who meant anyone to me knew what my plans were..as those same people had been there to pick up the pieces on more then one occasion.
He says he NOW knows what he did all those times was wrong. My head says surely you should KNOW that punching your wife in the face isn't right? Regardless of the argument you had and regardless of what was said in that argument?
Surely it shouldnt take a protection order to make you see that?
I feel that if I DON'T give it a another try I'll be a quitter.
I feel that if I DO give it a try I'm a push over and it won't take long for me to be in this exact same position again.
As I said, heart and head are at war again.
I honestly don't know what to do.
To say this week has been tumultuous is an undestatement. I have been wrestling with my decision constantly. And my decision has been wrestling back!
J has asked that we try again.
For 6 months.
I am torn right now.
Last week Friday my head and my heart were in total agreement. For once. For once they both agreed on what was the next step forward.
Now after yesterday they are once again at war.
Last week I was so clear on what had to be done and had totally made peace with my decision, so much so that anyone who meant anyone to me knew what my plans were..as those same people had been there to pick up the pieces on more then one occasion.
He says he NOW knows what he did all those times was wrong. My head says surely you should KNOW that punching your wife in the face isn't right? Regardless of the argument you had and regardless of what was said in that argument?
Surely it shouldnt take a protection order to make you see that?
I feel that if I DON'T give it a another try I'll be a quitter.
I feel that if I DO give it a try I'm a push over and it won't take long for me to be in this exact same position again.
As I said, heart and head are at war again.
I honestly don't know what to do.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Shew.....
Well, the protection order was served on J today. I really don't think he thought I was serious!
This is what he had to say about it:
I just accepted the protection order papers. I have read through and it’s difficult to respond in any way other than it’s obvious you are happy to move on. If you were filing for divorce, I’m not sure why you would complicate the issue by filing this protection, but it is your choice and I’ll accept it.
He doesn't understand why I could complicate the issue??
He doesn't understand why I would want to ensure mine and my childrens safety???
The only mistake I made was not doing it years ago. And I told him as much!
I spoke to my brother this morning and he is going to loan me the money to pay the attourney. I wish I could say its a relief...but I was hit with a dose of realism today.
The magnitude of what I am doing finally hit me.
The doubts are nagging me now. But everytime one rears it's head I think back to one of those times when I have been belittled, humiliated or hurt by which ever weapon was chosen by him - be it his mouth or his hand.
I am so scared my children hate me one day for taking them away from thier father.
What if Lem (Saige is too young) doesn't remember what her father did to me or to her? What if Saige grows up knowing that "mommy took me away from daddy".
What if I don't go through with this and they land up hating me for NOT taking them away?
How will I know I am doing the right thing? I think I am, but how do I really know?
I am praying for wisdom and courage to get me through this.
This is what he had to say about it:
I just accepted the protection order papers. I have read through and it’s difficult to respond in any way other than it’s obvious you are happy to move on. If you were filing for divorce, I’m not sure why you would complicate the issue by filing this protection, but it is your choice and I’ll accept it.
He doesn't understand why I could complicate the issue??
He doesn't understand why I would want to ensure mine and my childrens safety???
The only mistake I made was not doing it years ago. And I told him as much!
I spoke to my brother this morning and he is going to loan me the money to pay the attourney. I wish I could say its a relief...but I was hit with a dose of realism today.
The magnitude of what I am doing finally hit me.
The doubts are nagging me now. But everytime one rears it's head I think back to one of those times when I have been belittled, humiliated or hurt by which ever weapon was chosen by him - be it his mouth or his hand.
I am so scared my children hate me one day for taking them away from thier father.
What if Lem (Saige is too young) doesn't remember what her father did to me or to her? What if Saige grows up knowing that "mommy took me away from daddy".
What if I don't go through with this and they land up hating me for NOT taking them away?
How will I know I am doing the right thing? I think I am, but how do I really know?
I am praying for wisdom and courage to get me through this.
Friday, July 10, 2009
I did something huge today
I've tried to give explanations but just haven't been able to find the right words .....maybe I'm still in shock that I actually did it?
This morning I went to my divorce attourney to begin proceedings..and I spent 4 hours at court getting a protection order in place to protect myself and my children...but the damn thing wasn't served. Probably sitting in some in tray at the police station still!
Pls wish me luck for the long road ahead.
This morning I went to my divorce attourney to begin proceedings..and I spent 4 hours at court getting a protection order in place to protect myself and my children...but the damn thing wasn't served. Probably sitting in some in tray at the police station still!
Pls wish me luck for the long road ahead.
Monday, July 6, 2009
My love of cooking is back...!
I know I've been scarce...I've had such issues with my connection lately..it keeps dropping which is hugely frustrating! J seems to have fixed it now - I hope!
It's been a while since I have been excited to be in the kitchen.
I am a trained chef and for 5 years worked in various restaurants around Johannesburg. After a while the hours started becoming too much as you work 10 - 12 hour days 5-6 days a week. Its also not a life for a lady wanting to settle down and start a family.
Its hard when you are cooking 10 hours a day to still want to come home and cook and to still enjoy it, lol.
The bug comes and goes...most of the time cooking for me is a chore, something I have to do rather then want to do.
Then there are the times when I absolutely love cooking and my family love it too lol.
The bug has bitten this week...from a Thai seafood curry for my friends on Friday to a full on roast lunch yesterday .....wonder whats on the menu tomorrow :)
It's been a while since I have been excited to be in the kitchen.
I am a trained chef and for 5 years worked in various restaurants around Johannesburg. After a while the hours started becoming too much as you work 10 - 12 hour days 5-6 days a week. Its also not a life for a lady wanting to settle down and start a family.
Its hard when you are cooking 10 hours a day to still want to come home and cook and to still enjoy it, lol.
The bug comes and goes...most of the time cooking for me is a chore, something I have to do rather then want to do.
Then there are the times when I absolutely love cooking and my family love it too lol.
The bug has bitten this week...from a Thai seafood curry for my friends on Friday to a full on roast lunch yesterday .....wonder whats on the menu tomorrow :)
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
So we are back :)
And I must say we had a lovely time!
It was slightly marred by the fact that Saige got Tonsilitis on our first night there, which was a Friday. By the Monday after I had panado'd her up she wasnt any better so had to rush her off to the ER as she was burning a really high fever. They gave her some Antibiotics which only really kicked in on the Wednesday - but at least we were able to have some fun in the sun!
The weather wasnt too bad at all...on Tuesday and Wednesday there was a bit of a chilly wind blowing - Thursday was better and Friday while we were packing up it was glorious! lol.
Here are some of my fave pics of the girls :) Sorry there are so many I couldnt choose my faves from this lot!
I have some lovely floral shots which I will post tomorrow :)
It was slightly marred by the fact that Saige got Tonsilitis on our first night there, which was a Friday. By the Monday after I had panado'd her up she wasnt any better so had to rush her off to the ER as she was burning a really high fever. They gave her some Antibiotics which only really kicked in on the Wednesday - but at least we were able to have some fun in the sun!
The weather wasnt too bad at all...on Tuesday and Wednesday there was a bit of a chilly wind blowing - Thursday was better and Friday while we were packing up it was glorious! lol.
Here are some of my fave pics of the girls :) Sorry there are so many I couldnt choose my faves from this lot!
I have some lovely floral shots which I will post tomorrow :)
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
The Holiday Curse..s...
I'm actually having a quiet giggle here...there are two things that always, without fail, happen before we are due to go on holiday.
1. The car breaks down.
The car went in for a service last week - was meant to cost in the region of R800.
It landed up costing R6000 as the mechanics (and my dad) kept finding different things that needed to be fixed.
2. J doesn't want to go with..
I can bet my life on it that the week before us having to leave on holiday J starts with "I don't want to go cos I'm not wanted" story. Oh and its the "I'd rather be happy on my own then miserable with you" story too. You know what? Cry me a f**ing river why don't you! In typical Leo fashion I have to stroke the mane, boost the ego...well not this time! Honestly once I decided to leave him behind and was half an hour into my journey and I felt so bad I went back home and spent an hour begging him to please come with J, it won't be the same without you J blah blah f**ing blah.
Well not this time I won't. His bags are packed on Friday morning or they're not. If he wants his kids to grow up with holiday photos that DON'T include him then so be it.
I will have a great time with my girls regardless of whether he is there or not.
I am done begging.
1. The car breaks down.
The car went in for a service last week - was meant to cost in the region of R800.
It landed up costing R6000 as the mechanics (and my dad) kept finding different things that needed to be fixed.
2. J doesn't want to go with..
I can bet my life on it that the week before us having to leave on holiday J starts with "I don't want to go cos I'm not wanted" story. Oh and its the "I'd rather be happy on my own then miserable with you" story too. You know what? Cry me a f**ing river why don't you! In typical Leo fashion I have to stroke the mane, boost the ego...well not this time! Honestly once I decided to leave him behind and was half an hour into my journey and I felt so bad I went back home and spent an hour begging him to please come with J, it won't be the same without you J blah blah f**ing blah.
Well not this time I won't. His bags are packed on Friday morning or they're not. If he wants his kids to grow up with holiday photos that DON'T include him then so be it.
I will have a great time with my girls regardless of whether he is there or not.
I am done begging.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
A bit of an update
I've been scarce around these parts lately, lol. So here is a bit of an update as to whats happening round here :)
I have 8 sleeps left till we leave on holiday! I can't wait!! We will be staying at Club Hacienda, Shelley Beach
I am *so* looking forward to it! I am just praying for way better weather then we had last year!
Although it is bad timing...on of my best friends is getting married that week and my husband refuses to cut our trip short by a day in order for me to make the wedding. I really am not happy about it, but I can't just leave him at the coast...can I??? *grin*
The website I did for the company in Australia is finally up! I posted a sneak peek a while ago, but I then presented them with a more "technical" looking site then the pretty one I did initially, lol. Being guys they, after much deliberation, settled on the second one. Its 98% complete, once I recieve payment I'll complete it, lol.
Take a peek here
Then the last update is about Lemon, my eldest. The teacher noticed she wasn't able to see the board from where she was sitting, near the back. So she was moved closer. It didn't help much as Lem still had to get up to see the board. I took her to our optometrist and it turns out she needs glasses - she inherited J's bad eyes. I will post pics soon, I must admit I have been VERY lazy and haven't picked up my camera in weeks! I promise to get some up this weekend!
I think thats about all my news..off to catch up in bloggerland :)
I have 8 sleeps left till we leave on holiday! I can't wait!! We will be staying at Club Hacienda, Shelley Beach
I am *so* looking forward to it! I am just praying for way better weather then we had last year!
Although it is bad timing...on of my best friends is getting married that week and my husband refuses to cut our trip short by a day in order for me to make the wedding. I really am not happy about it, but I can't just leave him at the coast...can I??? *grin*
The website I did for the company in Australia is finally up! I posted a sneak peek a while ago, but I then presented them with a more "technical" looking site then the pretty one I did initially, lol. Being guys they, after much deliberation, settled on the second one. Its 98% complete, once I recieve payment I'll complete it, lol.
Take a peek here
Then the last update is about Lemon, my eldest. The teacher noticed she wasn't able to see the board from where she was sitting, near the back. So she was moved closer. It didn't help much as Lem still had to get up to see the board. I took her to our optometrist and it turns out she needs glasses - she inherited J's bad eyes. I will post pics soon, I must admit I have been VERY lazy and haven't picked up my camera in weeks! I promise to get some up this weekend!
I think thats about all my news..off to catch up in bloggerland :)
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Shew its been a while
Time really does fly hey! Sorry I have neglected my blog over the last week.
I just opened my home email to find a letter from the managing agents of our complex.
They are retarring all our roads,damp proofing and re-painting all the units.
The idiots accepted a quote for R1.400 000 - there are 74 units in our complex. That equates to R20 000 per unit!!!!
I am flipping furious right now! At the AGM they mentioned they were getting quotes...but not that they had accepted any!
I can barely get through the month as it is...where the heck do they expect people to get R20 000 to pay to have thier damn units painted??? We're in a recession...hellloooooooo!!
Well they can honestly go and whistle for their money..because quite frankly I just do not have R20 000 nor do I have an extra R6000 to pay it off over 3 months as they propose!!!!
Crikey!
PS I initially said R4000 per month..it was a typo..its just over R6000 - edited to fix
I just opened my home email to find a letter from the managing agents of our complex.
They are retarring all our roads,damp proofing and re-painting all the units.
The idiots accepted a quote for R1.400 000 - there are 74 units in our complex. That equates to R20 000 per unit!!!!
I am flipping furious right now! At the AGM they mentioned they were getting quotes...but not that they had accepted any!
I can barely get through the month as it is...where the heck do they expect people to get R20 000 to pay to have thier damn units painted??? We're in a recession...hellloooooooo!!
Well they can honestly go and whistle for their money..because quite frankly I just do not have R20 000 nor do I have an extra R6000 to pay it off over 3 months as they propose!!!!
Crikey!
PS I initially said R4000 per month..it was a typo..its just over R6000 - edited to fix
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