Hi Ho, Hi Ho, its off to the sea we go :)

We are leaving for the coast in the morning for a two week holiday and I must tell you I am SO excited I can hardly contain myself :) :)

Growing up my parents and I were always on holiday - my parents saved and saved so we could go away caravanning for 3/4 weeks over December and went away a few times during the year too :)
some of my best memories of my childhood are of our caravanning holidays over December.

Last December when my dad and I were sitting at dinner on New Years mourning my mom - I said to him I did not want to be at home for this xmas and that we should go away - our holiday was booked shortly after that :)

I haven't been away in December for about 15 years and I cant wait to just relax with P, the girls and my dad :) :)

Being Cancerian I am truly happiest at the sea side - I feel an overwhelming sense of calm and peace while there :)

We will be staying here

Isn't it gorgeous :)
I have 3G so will be catching up with all you peeps while away :)

Bye for now
XXXX

It's always about the money!

So I picked the girls up tonight after thier stint away at thier dad.

Its sooo good to have them back.....except the tantrums cos I wont allow them to do what dad let them do..like stay up till 2am!

And Lem came home with some earrings from Disneyland that ex-sil bought for her...four pairs at $100 a pair! lol it wasnt my money at least - I think its nuts?

Aaaaand then the customary argument with J at the pick-up cos I asked him to help me pay for Lem's stationery and new uniforms for next year......of course he said no.....he said to take it from the maintenance. He just doesn't get it! The Maintenance is for normal monthly expenses...not for expenses like this. I really think its unfair he expects me to foot the bill when he earns 6x what I do?

He says that I am going on holiday on Friday - I could have bought stationery. Yes, I am going on holiday but it was booked and paid for a year ago when we were still married - AND I actually have no spending money anyway AND my dad is paying for the petrol..lol. TG for the beach....just praying for good weather otherwise I have no idea what we will be doing while we are there lol - except driving each other crazy! hehe.

I honest to God wish that I earned enough to not need his money! He has all the power as far as thats concerned and he knows it! It downright grates my very last nerve!

He still hasnt seen the girls.

From the week before the court case. That was well over a month ago! He has not called, or seen them. Even for Saige's Christmas concert he was a complete No-Show.

I honestly can not believe this from him. The girls have cried real tears for him and I have nothing to tell them.

Well - I confronted him about it last week. Apparantly he has been going through a "tough time". Excuse me while I snort=laugh! The silly shit has NO idea what a tough time is!

But - he asked if he could take the girls this weekend.
His older sister is out from California for the month, she hasnt been here for 7 years...........my first instinct was to yell NO its MY weekend (I've been keeping track) but I took a step back and thought for the girls it would be the right thing to let them go. He will have them from Friday to Tuesday......and I am panicking a bit..never been without them for that long...........

It is hard to just let him waltz back in to their life when he has been out of it for so long...I wonder if he will keep it up and not just blow in and out as he feels like it.

I Won!!!!!!

I don't think its really hit me yet that its over? I found emails from 2006 where he had been threatening this!

So Paul, my dad, my attourney and I arrived at the courts this morning, J shortly after. Alone.We waited for about 2 1/2 hours before the magistrate saw us, lol J looked more uncomfortable as the time moved on.

My attourney presented my affidavit and she requested a 30 min recess so she could go through it. As soon as I saw she was an older WOMAN magistrate I immediately felt loads better!!!!

I know what Jase had presented to the courts, and honestly it was a two page affidavit of loosely put together BS and one really lame email which actually proved nothing- I had a real kick ass affidavite that counted every one of his accusations (THANKS C!!!) 8 character references, emails from Jase where he admitted to the abuse and where he wanted to resign to avoid paying me etc etc. I also had a letter from the girls school where they really went to a lot of trouble and did a full assessment - basically saying the girls are happy and well adjusted.

So we get called back in. The magistrate said straight off the bat " Mr and Ms Daniels, I must just tell you this is not a matter that I can adjudicate" Immediately I thought *F..K*. Then she said that as per the Childrens Act, if a parenting plan is made an order of the High Court as in the case of a divorce, then any application to change it must be brought to the High Court. "And I must tell you Mr Daniels, by reading what you have put forward here it is of my opinion that you have NO grounds to do so and you must know that an application like that WILL bankrupt you"

I swear I wanted to start laughing right then and there!! She said it is an extremely lengthy process and that the High Court will not even consider such an application if the parties concerned have not been either for Mediation or to the Family advocate, and that the Family Advocate process takes about 8-12 months. Jase then asked her if the other party (i.e Me) would be legally obligated to go this route should he request it, she asked me if it was in my divorce agreement - I said No. she then told him the same.

She then went on to tell him that the maintenance order is also a High Court order and by him not paying he is commiting a criminal offence and unless he wants to go to Jail he should pay up and that the maintenance is for the children and not for me. She then said that she could only intervene in this case IF there was shown to be physical abuse to the children. So he says "Well there is but I don't know how frequent it is" So then she said " Mr Daniels, I have read your affidavit, and you must know that in SA it is NOT illegal to give your child a hiding, and there is a vast difference between a hiding and abuse and you should know the difference"
Another "pmsl" moment.

Thats the short version, everything is still swimming around in my head, lol. But she basically berated him. She honestly made him out to be such an idiot for even considering it. She said that the magistrate courts are too easy - people just fill in forms and expect the case to be heard/adjudicated.

I wont forget when on Saturday he told me that he WILL get the girls that I have NO chance.

As much hell as this whole process was...I believe I am better off for it. I fought with everything I had (in the affidavit) and I came out on top - I get my girls He now knows that unless he has a couple of 100 thousand lying around he wont get them. Ever.

I really do believe though that the case I put forward in the form of my affidavit, character references and emails I had saved and the reports from the school made all the difference. Had I not had that I feel she may have referred it for further opinion. I was completely prepared and showed how serious I was and that under no circumstance is he to get the girls.

I ripped that smug smile right off his face today......when we left the magistrates office he said to me "I want to speak to you about mediation" I just said "Speak to my attourney" and walked off.

I took my power back !

The fight of my life begins on Thursday - 28th October

The court date is on Thursday.

Everyone is telling me not to worry. But I can not help it. I am beyond scared right now.

I have gone over Jason's statement more times then I care count.
My logic tells me that his claims are totally warped - most of which are taken completely out of context. Most are just plain ridiculous.

I will share some of his statement with you.
*Excessive alcohol consumed during all periods of day and night
*I allow my 2 year old to consume alcohol
*I was physically abusive to him
*My house is filthy and unhygenic
*I was unable to collect or drop off the kids at the house (ummm..you didn't have a drivers license???)
*My children dont brush thier teeth (you know this how?)
*Saige has emphazima (umm...its excema you dick!)
*I do not contribute financially to any of the girls expenses (WTF!! You havent paid maintenenace for 3 months!)
*I am emotionally unstable.

I have prepared a rather lengthy counter affidavit and I really believe that I have countered every one of his accusations - and proved them to be factless and they were made out of nothing more then jealousy.

I have been googling as much as I can to prepare myself for this process, and what I have found has given me a bit of a boost.

Is it possible to alter a Permanent Parenting Plan?
It is difficult to alter a Parenting Plan after it is final. Usually, it may be changed if the parents agree to the change. If the parents do not agree, the court may make major adjustments, such as who the child lives with, only if a major change has occurred in the life of the child or the other parent since the original Parenting Plan was final. It is not sufficient that the parent wanting the change thinks that his or her life has improved so much that the children should now live with him or her.

Should the parents not agree on the change, one of these things must have occurred before the court will order a change in where the child lives:
• The child has gone to live with one parent for an extended period of time with permission of the other parent.
• The parent who does not want the change has been held in contempt of court, or that parent has been convicted of interfering with the other parent's time with the child.
• The child's present life with a parent has been shown to be physically or emotionally harmful.

I think I have a pretty strong case just based on the above?

And then I found:

When considering an application contemplated above the court must take into account the best interests of the child, the relationship between the applicant and the child, and any other relevant person and the child, the degree of commitment that the applicant has shown towards the child, the extent to which the applicant has contributed towards expenses in connection with the birth and maintenance of the child, and any other fact that should, in the opinion of the court, be taken into account. If in the course of the court proceedings it is brought to the attention of the court that an application for the adoption of the child has been made by another applicant, the court must request a family advocate, social worker or psychologist to furnish it with a report and recommendations as to what is in the best interests of the child, and may suspend the first-mentioned application on any conditions it may determine

I really dont want to give myself false hopes, but with J's abusive behaviour in the past, his non payment of maintenance, his complete lack of attention to the girls prior to the divorce......I can not see how he will even get close to being granted custody?

After the court case I will copy and paste both affidavits. I have also got numerous references from close friends and family stating how difficult he has been making my life and how abusive he has been to me, not only during our marriage but after - and that I am a good mom!

Please - if you have any good vibes to spare - send them my way on the 28th?

How much more?

So after last weeks episode J has now decided to sue me for custody. He has applied for an emergency custody order.

He asked that I give him the girls for 3 months to *sort myself out* and that he would give them back after the 3 months? When I said no he then went ahead with the court application.

I am absolutely finished! There is no way in hell he is getting these girls! For those that have been reading my blog for a while you will know exactly the kind of things he has done - I can't see how a judge would award that to him? But there is also that nagging feeling that *just maybe*

Apparantly I will be getting a summons on Monday to appear in court during the course of next week. Part of me doesnt really believe him as he has been threatening this the last few months. But, I have my game face on and I will fight for my girls. I will fight for as long as it takes.

I have started preparing my arsenal for the war and right now I believe mine looks pretty good - if what my attourney has told me is anything to go by.

So, yet anothe battle I need to fight due to this man. He is saying P is the bad one he doesnt want around the kids hence the fight.

But - P is no longer around. So I really find his claim baseless. But I suppose right now its not up to me.

If he gets my girls he takes my life away.

The end of a dream....

Ok - to start at the beginning, P had a bit of a drinking problem but it was something I thought we could work on you know? That now that I had given him a home and a family it would be enough for him?

Thursday he found out that his 2 children in the UK were taken away from the mother by social services, so he started drinking. Despite that we had a really great evening? Then J sms'd me to say he had left P a voice message and that the two of them were going to have issues (the blow up between them was ineveitable) Then I asked P what happened? He called J and was a downright ass. J then pitched up here - for the next hour I had to stop J tryhing to get into the house at P and P trying to get out at J. My dad was called, the cops were called. I managed to get the kids out the house and we went next door to the neighbours. I managed to get hold of P's brother and he came to fetch him.

That was the end of our relationship.

Then yesterday P came back here to get his things, I went to work. He stayed..and got drunk again. My dad was going to call the police again to have him arrested - I told my dad please can we not rather offer him help? I came here with my dad and we offered him to go with my dad to his house and that my dad would book him in somewhere for help. He said no. I told him to leave.
he left here still blind drunk.
I met J to get the kids and when I came home he was standing outside on the pavement outside my complex. J called the police again. When I went into Lems room I closed the curtains and saw P hiding in the garden behind my shed. I knew that once J left he would try come inside and I wouldnt have the strength to turn him away.

The police came and J told them to check and P was in the garden. They removed him. An hour later I got a collect call from him to collect him from the police station. I didnt go.

When Nash left another hour later he was standing outside. She came back here to get him a jacket and told him to leave and never come back.

I really do still love him. I really do. My heart is shattered right now. I packed his things this morning and it was the hardest thing I have done. If he will agree to get help I will probably take him back. He really was a super super person. He adored me and the kids and they adored him. I just really couldnt deal with his drinking anymore. Right now I feel like the poop on the bottom of your shoe for what I did last night.

One year ago today

I lost my mom - at 1h30am on the 3rd September.
One year ago I held my moms hand as God took her home.

I remember that night as clear as day. Standing by her hospital bed, watching her struggle to live.

Not one day has gone by that I havent thought of her in her final moments.
Or thought of her laugh. Or thought of her cooking. Or her voice.

This last year has been the toughest of my life - ever and it sounds crazy but I feel I had her strength to get through it.

Mom I miss you as much today as I did then and the pain is still as real.

Keep smiling down on me mom - I hope I'm making you proud.

My blog has been badly neglected

the last while. I have had so much going on I just haven't really had much time to sort my thoughts and get them down in some sort of an orderly fashion.

I am still really battling with J. He hasnt paid me for 3 months now.

I had to cancel Lem's birthday party - but when one of my friends found out she transferred enough money into my account to still be able to have a party for her!
And a lot of the providers gave me discounts / donations when they heard what had been going on. I was truly truly blessed to be able to give her an awesome party!






I am considering suing Jase for sole custody. I applied for a Warrant of Attachment and a Garnishee order on his salary - the garnishee for future dated payments and then the Warrant of Attachment for the payments he has missed. They attach his property and sell it in order to get me my money. I realy really wish things had not gone this route!

Some how J has gained access to my home email and found out about the garnishee order that should (hopefully) be in place by the end of this month.
So he resigned. To go and live with his brother in durban for a few months. He is giving up his house, his car, his job, his friends, everything....just to not pay me.

So I decided to possibly sue for sole custody. He doesn't deserve them!

This is an excerpt from one of his mails:

So yeah, I’ll resign, I’ll give up my job, give up my R200 000 of shares that mature next year, my 7yrs of permanent position here (with 3 years to go for a major bonus), I will leave even though I’m a retention candidate with tons of perks and I’ll leave my +R50k salary…I’ll give up my new house that I bought, the furniture that I bought, I will give up every girl that I have relationships with and that might have turned to something long-term, I’ll give up all my new and old friends that I have re-kindle relationships with, I’ll give up my new routine including gym that I was doing well at and most of all, I’ll give my children up and I’ll do charity work for institutionalised children in Durban for no pay..until I can get sponsored to work in the UK or Australia and that’s the only choice I have ..

This whole thing started because he thinks I am asking for too much maintenance. But,...he signed the inital agreement. Then he was served and he had 10 days in which to contest, he didnt. He said thats because he thought him and I would try work it out after the divorce (ummmm.....what??)

As he said in his email he will throw everything away rather then give me (never mentions the kids) one more cent! I know he is sore because of Paul..but honestly??? In the last month before the divorce he had 5 different chicks he was sleeping with! and bragged about it, to me!

so yes, I now finally have a man that treats me right and he doesnt want to pay a cent towards P's living expenses! Thats why he is fighting me on this too.

He is still well within his rights to go to the maintenance courts and challenge me. I have no problem with that and I told him. But...he would rather go this route.

In my final email to him I told him that i hope he can look himself in his mirror one day and like what he sees....becaues he is losing WAY more then he thinks he is! Let him carry on. I will have my kids, I will have P. P and I WILL make it, and hopefully soon I will be able to make it without his money. And i will have the kids........him???? He wil be alone.

The courts were against me today

Or so it feels like

I applied for the garnishee order - Jasons companies HR will be subpoened to court - only to appear on the 11th August with his payslip. The magistrate will then make a decision re the garnishee order. So that leaves me at the end of this month again without a payment.

The sheriff hasn't as yet served the other warrant for Junes missed payment...if J doesnt pay the end of this month again then I have to issue another warrant.

Today alone cost my dad R5000 - I honestly can not keep going on like this....I'm an emotional wreck right now.

I was so counting on this garnishee order being in place by the end of this month so I could at least breathe again for a little while.and not have to worry about how I am going to feed my kids

Bang goes that idea!!

In Court Tomorrow

Jase is still refusing to pay me maintenance unless I give him the girls (never mind the fact it was a court order to pay me AND that he signed an agreement to pay me what I asked for). He is also STILL threatening to have the girls taken from me.

So tomorrow morning I'm going to court with my attourney to have a garnishee order put against his salary....he has NO idea! He's going to get a huge shock next week! Although he has said he will rather resign then give me a cent :roll: He honestly thinks I've just let it go.

PLUS I have had a Warrant issued for Junes Maintenance.....the sheriff is yet to serve this though :evil:

I dont get why men have to be like this...honestly!! The money is to look after his children...I've been battling for 3 months...borrowing money from my dad (and Paul) to put petrol in my car and food on my table while he has been living the high life! I'm in arrears with almost anything...you knwo when you stop answering your phone if you dont know the number? :twisted:

Honestly re-inforces the fact that leaving him was the right thing to do!

The best news ever!!!!!

Saturday night P and I had my dad over for a braai.

P was acting a bit wierd...lol....but couldnt place it. I went inside to do something and when I came out my dad was hugging P....and the two of them were all teary.

P then blurted out that he had just asked my dad for my hand and he had said yes!!

I kind of had an idea...lol...but didnt really think it would happen...not yet anyway!!

So yes peeps..I am engaged!

I know a lot of ppl think I am absolutely nuts...but I have though long and hard about this...P completes me. He really and truly does. There is nothing that P doesnt do for me , in every way that I have to go get somewhere else. So why the heck not! ?

I am truly happy. I am truly at peace. I am truly excited!!

This is going to be one HELL of a ride!!!!!

Finally!!!!

I have wanted to start a business selling my beaded jewellery for the longest time.

I was googling one night looking for prices on one of the particular items I use a lot...and came across something that got me real excited!! It was a Twilight charm bracelet! It was a silver charm bracelet with 7 charms - each representing a different pivotal role in the movie.

So I started googling, looking for suppliers of charms, looking for the best prices, best delivery etc. lol this fuelled my spreadsheet obsession too! :)

I loaned some money from my dad - and finally the charms arrived from the US and goods are ready to go :)

I am really hoping to make a good go of this......I need to be financially independant now - not having to rely on maintenance from J!

My Facebook page is up here and here is my signature piece.

If you have any any marketing/sales ideas for me please feel free to comment :) Thank you!

*sheepishly* waving hello :)

Well my it has been absolutely ages havent it. The last 4 months have been a rollercoaster of a ride!!

In short:
- My divorce was finalised on the 21st May.
- I have met the most wonderful man - his name is Paul and he is *almost* everything I have ever ever hoped for in a partner! He truly is my *Edward* and I am totally in love with him!

Jase has not been playing nice at all. He has left me totally financially in shit - In April even though he was still living here didnt give me a single cent.

In May he paid my maintenance into the wrong account so our joint debit orders took my maintenance money.

So that was playing two months catch up.

This month?? he has decided he now wants the kids - his ultimatum? Give him the kids or he wont pay me.

So I wont be getting my maintenance money this month either. Which means he will be arrested.

Which means he has decided to sue me for sole custody of the children. I am going to have another fight on my hands people.

So now there's someone else.....

Thats the reason J is using to justify me wanting to leave him to his family. TO HIS FAMILY.
He is telling them all that he has NO idea why I want to leave him, that the only reason he can think of is that I am in love with someone else.

So now I'm the skank.

Wednesday morning J sends an email to his brother giving him the news.
His brother replied that he was in tears, couldn't stay at work because he was so upset with the news.
J then says that he too, is upset and can't understand why I am doing this.

Have I been dreaming the last 10 years???????
has this man heard ANYTHING I have said over the last couple of years???

I am upset with J, I ask him how can he tell his brother that he doesnt know? So he says because he doesnt? *rolls eyes*

J then sends and email to the whole family asking me to explain why I am leaving him so he doesn't have to lie, and if it is someone else then I must just tell them.

FFS!!

If it hadn't been for his brothers extreme reaction my reply would have been something along the lines of this:
I am leaving your brother because he could not be bothered to get his drivers license, and when I ask him about it he says "I'm hoping you'll leave me if I don't"
I am leaving your brother because despite me having a protection order in place (which I should never have had to get in the first place) he still thinks its ok to hit me in front of your neice, who tries to fight him off and begs me to have YOUR BROTHER/HER FATHER arrested.
I am leaving your brother because I WILL NOT have Saige endure the same trauma that Lem has.
I am leaving your brother because he thinks its "ok" to play his Playstation all day, every day leaving me alone anyway to raise the children and do everything else.
And if any of you still think its OK to stay with your brother then you are just as fucked as he is!

If I had half the balls most people think I did then I would send that. Maybe I should just. Fuck it!

But for now I need my energy for tomorrow afternoon when I see his sister who just arrived back in the country yesterday. She now thinks I'm an adulterer. Joy. I'm now the bitch thats leaving her brother for another man!
She forgets she has a protection order against him too!

Win a Blackberry Bold 9000 Smartphone!

I was tagged by Angel to run this too :)

In keeping with the current Hollywood trend of slightly unusual boyfriends- you know the vampires, shapeshifters and werewolves- you are hereby invited to talk about yours!

So is your boyfriend a little peculiar?

Does he have some tastes that make you squint in consternation?

Is he perhaps a little left of centre?

Well, all you have to do is leave a comment on this post and list the 5 strangest things your boyfriend has done- or does, and you could stand a chance of winning a Blackberry Bold 9000 Smartphone. Ts & Cs apply, and you have to be in South Africa!

Chrizanda from DSTV & Vuzu - where you can watch “The Vampire Diaries“- will then trawl the blogosphere using the links emailed to her, and choose her three favourite entries. They will get uploaded to Vuzu’s website and the public will then vote for their favourite entry!

If yours is the one picked by the public- the Blackberry Bold 9000 is yours!

So, lets hear it :)

So...it's done.

I sent the draft agreement yesterday afternoon...after probably staring at it the whole day, not quite having the guts to press *send*.

Just after 4pm I did it.
Then the nerves started.....I was feeling so many things, fear, nervousness, relief?

I get home..he didn't mention anything....other then that he had been in meetings all afternoon. So obviously he didnt get it.

Today I felt literally ill the whole day.
This evening he again acts like nothing is up?
So I come out with it, ask him if he got the agreement...and he did.
I'm not going to waffle on too much, but he did get it yesterday - but thought we would speak about it last night but I never mentioned it.
How odd?

He said today that he knows I am about 95% sure this is what I want, and if I tell him I want him to sign it he will???

So I did.

Its that time....

the initial papers are ready to be sent.

He has NO clue whats coming. None. He thinks everything is just fine. And that I have changed my mind.

The longer I leave it the more I think.....the more my "soft" side starts creeping back.

I need to do this.

And I need to do it now.

xxxxxx

Going to my happy place...

before I shove a rolling pin up someones ass!! OR a fucking playstation. Or maybe both!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I must admit this is a bit of a *brag* post.

I have been trying for years and years to lose at least 20kg's. Then I discovered Simply Slim. Lol. I know there is a lot of controversy surrounding this product right now...but honestly? For me it works!!!! See!!!!!

This is me in September 2009 at 103kg's - I started Simply Slim in October.



This is me now, at 91kg's :) :)





I am totally totally thrilled!! I have dropped from a size 24 to a 18 - and I can SO see me being in a 14 in a few months time!! I never ever thought I could do it!
I am fitting into clothes I havent worn in 4-5 years. Lol some even still have the tags on!

This is whats keeping me happy right now :) The fact that I *almost* like what I see in the mirror :)

I'm hoping to be down another size by the end of Feb, and hopefully in a 14 by March :) :)

Woo hooooo then its shopping time :) :)

(ps - my rant at the beginning was because I got home from work at 8.30pm as it was my month end and the f**khead hadnt even given the girls dinner yet!!!)
BUT, I'm not thinking about that right now.

I'm going to my happy place.......

Just a little something every day.....

Everyday just a little something happens that gives the resolve to keep going.

Forgive me for a bit of a rant...but my blog is my place to do it right now, lol. Its keeping me sane. AND when I do have that small niggle of doubt, I come back here and read back....just for a dose of "you are doing the right thing".

Last night I wanted to spend 20 mins with Lem going through her homework, I asked him please just to watch Saige so I could spend that time with Lem. Too much trouble.

This morning after I had been running around for an hour trying to get everyone up and out the house he stood there with his hands in his pockets asking where Saige's jersey and shoes were. Umm..you have two hands?

This afternoon I was stuck in REALLY bad traffic and I was hadn't even fetched him from work @ 5.30 - I was supposed to be at Lem by 5.30 already and Saige by 6. I had to make frantic calls to get both kids picked up by friends as I can't rely on him now can I?

This evening because we were late the whole evening was a rush. But obviously him playing his playstation was faaar more important.

For months I have been asking for small things around the house to be fixed, my kitchen drawers, the bathroom door lock, the soap dish , the towel rail. Well, I'll be hiring Jeanettes hubby to do all that for me.

And you know what? I'm not really that upset. He's just digging himself deeper into the whole!!!

And ladies...lol....I'll be having a "Thank you for supporting me" and a "He's finally gone" dinner :) Appropriate? probably not (the "he's finally gone" bit lol). Necessary? Definitely!

Will keep you posted :)

Ok - don't panic !!!

Ok - saw my attourney again this morning. I gave him the final details to include in the settlement agreement. This afternoon just before 4 I recieved the rough draft.

OMG its finally happening! J could be served by the end of the week! He has no idea. None. He honestly thinks that things are just fine! Funny enough we have been getting along really well...but thats because I view him now as a friend rather then a husband and quite frankly don't give a shit ! lol.

But OMG...I'm feeling all sorts of things now. Empowered, fear, relieved, fear, anticipation, fear, apprehension, fear,joy,fear. Did I mention I was scared?? lol.

oh G*d please let me be doing the right thing and give me the courage to go through with it if I am!!!

The BIGGEST surprise today!!!!

(lol about my FB status)

Ok I'm so excited I could just start rambling off here but for the benefit of those of you that don't know the story I will start at the beginning.

I was adopted as a baby - a newborn. I basically always knew that I was adopted, I grew up knowing that I was a *special baby* lol. That my mom *chose* me. When I was old enough to understand she explained the whole adoption trip to me. Fabian and I are both adopted actually.

Anyway, when I was about 16/18 my brother asked my mom for his papers (lol sounds like a dog) as he wanted to know where she came from. She gave mine to me too as she thought I wanted to know. I did...but I didn't if you know what I mean. I read through the papers and one thing stuck in my head..I have two older brothers !! I read thier names and they have been indelibly etched in my mind since then.

I have googled, yahoo'd and searched every possible chat program I have EVER chatted on - as you never know right?
But nothing.
Until September 2008.

J was away in Amsterdam on business and I was on FB. I searched Facebook for the one brother - and I had a hit on his name.Now bear in mind they are Czechoslovakian so its not like I am searching for a John Smith - lol. Finding someone with the right surname and first name? Chances are its the right one.
But..I couldnt be sure

The next day I asked my mom to fax me my papers...I check the birthdate...100% Match!

So - I send a friend request, he accepts and we start chatting. To cut a long story short I eventually told him who I was. He was shocked, understandably. So we chatted for a few months via email and FB. December 2008 he leaves FB.
Gone
Doesnt reply to my mails.
I have sent loads of mails - but no reply.

TODAY - I open my email and I get a friend request from the Older Brother!!!!

See!:

January 17 at 4:13pm
Hi Tanya, you dont know me but my name is ***** **** and have been just told that you might be my sister. I,m sure that you might be shocked by this but maybe not as you already know about me. If this is all true could you getb in touch with me as would love to hear from you. I just hope i haven,t freaked you out in anyway and hope to hear from you asap, regards *****.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I swear my heart stopped!! You have NO idea of the longing I have felt for years to get to know them!!!

M and I chatted for about 2 hours! he was crying , I was crying lol. He was about 7 when I was given up ....and he always had a feeling in his gut that something was amiss but his mom never admitted it.
Now he knows.
And he is happy! He cant wait to get to know me and hopefully fly me out to Perth soon to meet.
He owns race horses - and he said I am now an aunt to a 10 yr old boy. Lol imagine that!

The other brother (also M!) lol only told him today. They had a family fight lol and havent spoken for a while. He looked me up straight away and there we go!

Wierd part? He is in Perth...literally two mins drive from Fabian - my brother! haha I can see this being confusing!

So, WOW, That was my day!

You can't be serious!!

So - lol - things are still a tad crazy for me my end. I haven't posted as I needed to make a few final decisions and I wanted to make them un-jaded...lol is that even a word?

J has come up with a solution to save our Marriage!!!! *giggle*

Wanna hear it?

Well - he thinks I am very stressed due to my job - the rush in the mornings to drop everyone off an get to work on time. The rush in the afternoon to get everyone picked up on time. The rush in the evenings to get everything done on time and the kids to bed at a reasonable time. The fact that I REALLY want to get a business started but don't have the time.

So?? His solution is for me to resign and be a stay-at-home-trying-to-start-a-business mom !!
Yaaay so I get to do all the things I am doing now PLUS try get my business going!

And he ups his game how???????

Haven't quite figured that out yet! haha

So he has a solution! yay! Does that solution involve HIM becoming more involved in our families activities or helping me more with the kids etc? Noooo if anything it just gives him license to do even less around here!

He seems sincere when he believes our marriage can be saved and he really does not understand why I am not taking him up on his offer.

Sorry bud, the offers about 5 years to late!!

THEN there is the Maintenance issue - friends I am in for a fight, pls send all the extra energy you can - I'm going to need it!

Stop the world I wanna get off....

So today I received another *you're doing the wrong thing* email from J.

I don't understand how this mans mind works?? HE was the one that told me to get the divorce, repeatedly over the last year. HE was the one that said he won't get his license because "He hopes I'll finally leave him".

And now? Heres a quoted excerpt from the mail...

Anyways, I’ll say this for the last time, I do think we can make it work, I do worry about you and the kids on your own, I will make sure you are not financially sabotaged (I think u know that) and will even give more than asked for….even though I sometimes say the opposite…but if this is really what you want and there’s no way to change your mind, then I’ll accept it…

About see’ng the lawyer with you, its really not necessary, I’ll sign any reasonable agreement that has reasonable reference to the large debt and home equity, basically everything else (incl. the car you can have)…

My reply????

You know every time I think about it and wonder if I am doing the right thing, I think of Lem and Saige growing up and thinking that *this* is how marriage is.

I think of the last time we fought where **************. Where you*************
With Lem screaming at you to stop it.
With Lem screaming and crying for me to go to the police.

I can’t do that anymore.
That was the last time.

I’m stopping it now before Saige is standing next to Lem screaming the same.
I don’t want that for them
And I don’t want that for us anymore.

So my answer J is yes, this is still what I want. This is what I believe is best for us right now, while we are still young enough to both find the companion that we can’t find in each other.

So its 2010 :)

I've taken a bit of a break but ready to get back into the swing of things! 2010 - Let it be a fabulous year for us all! Heck it will take a lot to be worse then last year wont it!

To be honest I am glad December is over and I can just get on with things now!

Christmas was ok. Lol. Just ok.
My dad was very down the whole day, to be expected I know. I had my moments but tried to have the best day I could for the kids. J? Played playstation the WHOLE day *rolly eyes*

Lol here are some of my best snaps of the day:











New Years was actually not bad at all! My dad and I went to Emperors Palace as we wanted to take the girls to see the Garden of Lights. The girls had a fabulous time! We went to the Spur for dinner and then got home just in time to crack the champers and toast in the New Years.

Lol New Years does however make me cringe..I did something really really stupid and may have messed up an awesome friendship I had with someone *arghhhh*. And yes, it is a guy. I will give more details later.

Another bit of news is that my dad is going to sign as surety on me taking my house over *yaaaaaaay me* !!! SO I dont have to move :) :) After the divorce I will be keeping my little housie :) I am so stoked I can't even tell you!!! My house isnt much, but its mine and I love it and I don't want to lose it!

Before I go I just have to share this last bit too :)

I am busy researching suppliers to import a specific component that I want to make into a certain jewellry item (lol can't say too much just yet)

Check my horoscope from FB for today

Your Daily Horoscope: January 5, 2010
Cancer Jun. 21 - Jul 22 (Wrong Sign?)
We do live in a material world, Cancer, and today you are a shining example of how beautiful it can be. It's possible that you are doing something creative, or that you are focusing on the quality of something you are buying. The image for you is actually of jewelry, but it is important that you not overextend your resources or bite off more than you can chew just because of an extravagant moment. This is a good day for making aesthetic choices, but it is not a good day for spending or speculating.

How is that??????????????? lol this is just WAY too wierd for me now!!