Its Christmas??

So is Christmas in 2 days. This is the first year ever I have had no christmas spirit. My tree only went up this past Sunday...other years it's been up by the 1st - without fail.

Working out my christmas menu without my mom? It doesnt seem right.

And J hasn't been the easiest of people this week either. Angel was at my house tonight and asked why I had two christmas trees.....lol. Well the reason is that on Sunday afternoon my tree got chucked out into the garden...decorations and bits of tree everywhere.

On the way home from the River Cafe on Sunday my fuel line on my car came loose..petrol was pouring out my car....J doesnt drive.
So I had to call my dad to come help me. I was cooking meals for my dad to freeze for the next week and J asked me to make lunch. Now bear in mind this was about 3pm and he had been playing his PS3 the entire day.
Umm excuse me you have 2 hands??
he got irritated I was taking so long so we got into an argument. I told him to tell his PS3 to cook for him..hahah
Anway to cut a long story short he threw his plate and stabbed a knife into my kitchen counter..while my dad was there.

Dad wants to bliksem J part 2.

Anyway...things calm down and my dad goes home.
That evening J and I got into another argument, him saying that I want xmas to be miserable for everyone and boo-fucking-hoo that its my first christmas without my mom. Oh and that I wont get a single cent from him or anything else.
He throws the tree into the garden.

I wont go into too much detail about what happened next.

I tell my dad about the tree on Monday - he happened to be at a friend (friends for about 30 years) of his who owns a Spar in Primrose. "Friend" then gives my dad a tree...AND all the trimmings!

AND he gives my dad the money for my lawyer..NO strings attached!

So now I have 2 trees (the other was rescued albeit a bit battered) and my lawyer has been paid.

It may be a good christmas afterall!

The process is in motion...

I saw my attourney this morning...the ball is rolling now!

I have mixed emotions about today. I have wanted to do it for so long, and now that the process has begun it feels odd? Like did I REALLY do that?
I'm flippen scared too.

Scared of how I am going to cope financially, how I am going to cope with the girls on my own.
Scared that I wont ever meet *the one*. Scared that my girls will one day hate me for taking them away from thier father.

J however says that "Ja we may get divorced now but we will be back together in a year". Bwhahahahah stay on the good stuff dude!

Shew..so..now I need to find somewhere to live. I've been looking around and there isnt much decent out there in my price range...so..there is a small amount of panic setting in but I do have some time :)

I'm finished

Things have reached a new level of "low"
Although in saying that my decision has been made *that* much easier for me.

You know when you think that a person can not be nastier or uglier then they have been in the past and they just completely suprise you be sinking even lower?

J has completely and utterly crushed me this week. I have nothing left. I'm finished.
Mentally.
Emotionally.
Finished.

* He's taken my cell phone away.
* Refused to go to my year end function as he doesnt want to be seen with a "fat miserable bitch"
* I have had to find a lift to my function as he won't let me use the car.
* He has taken all the bank cards as they are in "his" name. The fact that they are "joint" accounts obviously means nothing right?
* He has disconnected the DSTV and Internet line at home.

* Threatened to resign and relocate as not to have to pay me maintenance.
And I quote:
"I’ve just checked my retirement fund, I have enough to hang around for 3 months giving you R15 000, and then spending 6 months to a year backpacking and doing odd jobs in Europe or the US…even South America…I’m just saying...gotta remember that I will have more freedom to do what I want, and it wouldn’t be fair to tell me don’t go see the world if it’s what I want to do …. Just be careful how hardball you want to play, I probably got bigger balls and a couple more in my court…but I’m willing to play by whatever rules you make"

and again
"I was willing to make this as easy as possible…really was, now u got me seriously thinking about resigning and relocating even…cos I can’t see myself even living in JHB with you here…'

One thing has completely destroyed me
He told me he had a conversation with Lemon over the weekend and it was very clear that she despises me.

Oh and "You may get the girls now I am so useless it wont take him long to get them taken away from me"

My lawyer isnt coming back to me *grrr* so if anyone knows of one - pls mail me?
tdaniels@gencapital.co.za

Am I losing my mind??

So once again things at home are not that great.

Last week Thursday J and I have a huge argument on the way to work. He tells me he's had enough, he wants out and I need to call my lawyer.
After I drop him off I was speaking to my mom, asking her what I should do. Wishing she was here as she was so great to speak to.
Not even 20 mins after I get to work my lawyer calls. Now I havent spoken to my lawyer since my mom went into hospital. He says he wants to draw up the summons..what must he do?
I honestly took that as a sign?

So it all ends up with J packing his stuff on Saturday and telling me he is leaving by the end of this week.
I dont cry
I dont beg
I dont plead
The only thing I ask is that he allows me to please keep the house as rental anywhere else will be more or less the same....and at least the girls won't be uprooted too much.
He says I can keep the house, but if I buy it at market value? So bang goes that idea as I honestly wont be able to afford that. So I will have to rent somewhere.

Then this is where I question my sanity.
He can not understand why I am wanting to leave him.
Why I am wanting to "destroy" the girls lives, mine and his by getting a divorce.
He says that I am the reason for the breakdown of our marriage and that I have a chip on my shoulder that prevents me from being happy.
I think back over what I have had to put up with...what I have been through..and I can't fathom how on earth he feels justified having treated me like he has? Surely its not normal?

Those that have read here regularly will know what I have had to put up with, honestly.....surely I'm not the crazy one??

A picture post of my weekend away :)

Hope you guys dont mind loads of pics :) :)

My brother, dad and myself went to the Eastern Transvaal last weekend to scatter my moms ashes as she told us many many times.

We stayed here . I loved it so much I've booked for the Easter Holidays :)

There's lots of pics..I really couldn't decide which to post..so..ummm..*blush* here are all my faves!


We had to drive over this river to get to town. It was raining heavily and the bridge is level with the river..it has *storm drains* on either side. It was scary for me lol

Fabian and I preparing dinner.

Aiiii....Braaing (barbecueing) in the rain!

The spot where we laid my mom's ashes to rest. That fence is the Kruger park fence with the Crocodile river below. It was the perfect, perfect spot! Fabian and I actually got out the car to follow the hippo that was walking on the bank so I could photograph him...and we came alone this rocky outcrop.

One of my best pics ever!

The Hippo as mentioned previously. Gosh I love this place. To see wildlife like this..so close! its unbelievable!

My mom used to own this piece of ground many years ago..and sold it when they were in some financial difficulties. It was probably the biggest mistake her and my dad made....ever!

the piece of ground my dad used to own. Same story as my moms. Very sad actually. This house and the ground is now for sale..Fabian and I are talking about buying it back. (at almost 12 times what my dad sold it to this guy for!)



Flip this funny..on the Friday night Fabian and I had had one too many drinks..heheheh...and he screamed at me to quickly grab my camera as a Lion was circling our house!!! pmsl.

A momento I bought of the trip :)

Thanks so much for sharing this with me....I feel very much at peace now. I still miss my mom....terribly...but I feel very calm and proud knowing I was able to do exactly what she should have wanted!

Happy Birthday Mommy

Mom today would have been your 70th birthday.
We had such an amazing trip planned for you to Cape Town as you had never been.
you were so excited, not only for Cape Town but for all of us being on holiday as a family. We haven't done that for over 10 years since Fabian left the country.

Instead we are going to the Eastern Transvaal to scatter your ashes. Mom I am so honoured to be able to fulfill your final wish.

Mommy I miss you so much. I miss your giggle. I miss you calling me to moan about how much dad is annoying you (which I FINALLY get btw! lol). I miss your cooking. I miss you helping me with sewing. I miss you when my girls are sick as you are the first one I always used to call. I miss you when I have had trouble at home as you always knew the right things to say..without interfering. I miss just being able to call for no reason. I miss your sense of humour.

Mom I look as this photo of you on your last birthday and my heart pains . It pains for me. It pains for dad. It pains that you won't see my girls grow up. It pains that you will never share another birthday, christmas or New Years. It pains that I will never hear your voice again.

Mom I so hope that you are at peace where you are.

Until we meet again Mom,
Love always!

Some Family Pics

My brother and his girlfriend and some of her family flew in from Australia yesterday morning. My brothers g/f and her family are from NZ - while Megan has been here before her family haven't.

We went to Carnivores for dinner.

The reason for their visit is they had planned a five day stay in Cape town leaving on Friday...it was supposed to have been for my moms 70th birthday celebration. they are staying an extra 3 weeks driving up along the coast, my brother comes back next week Wednesday so we can fulfill my moms last wish of her ashes being scattered in the Eastern Transvaal.
He then leaves back to Oz on the Sunday again :(

Having my brother here has been an absolute blessing to me. Like a breath of fresh air. He really is almost my other half and the thought of him leaving me again is very sad. No one gets me like he does. No one understands me like he does.

Here are some pics of the evening :)

Fabian clowning around :) Carnivores are renowned for thier game meat..and this is how it is served. They keep coming around with different meats (crocodile, different buck, ostrich etc and your normal beef, pork chicken). The salads etc are on the table.





Fabian and my dad. I must post a comparison pic. You wont believe how tired, old and thin my dad has got! He is literally wasting away!


My brothers girlfriend, Megan and I.



Lastly, Fabian and I :)



UPDATE ON THE ASHES ISSUE

My dad called me this morning and said my brother spoke to him and he has decided to take all my moms ashes to the Eastern Transvaal (thanks Dad, so I'm chopped liver??). Anyway he did this without anyone at the Church seeing. So, he is STILL going ahead with the blessing (if they know the ashes are gone they wont do it as there is nothing to bless). I told him to leave the blessing, the only thing we need to make sure happens is that my moms ashes land up where she wanted them. But nope....the man won't listen *sigh*.