Sunday, September 27, 2009

I almost lost my dad too....

The night my mom died was the worst of my life. Last night came in a close second.

I'm still trying to process everything that perhaps if I start from the beginning it will help.

We stay at my dads place on weekends as we were planning on moving in there in December so my dad wouldnt have to be alone - and there is a LOT of work to be done in that house before we can.

So last night J makes plans to go see some friends not too far from where my dads house is. At 5 last night my dad says he doesn't want me driving out..he will take J and if J cant get a lift back will go fetch him. Great.

My dad, myself and my children go to my Aunts (my moms sister) for dinner. While there my dad says "stuff it, J must find his own way home..or he can sleep there and he'll go fetch him in the morning". So I sms J and tell him..he says fine, he will get his own way home.

When my dad and I get home from my Aunts J is already there..he had to catch a taxi and walk some of the way...he says he doesn't want to stay over at my dads as he is upset..and would rather go home. Now remember J doesnt have a drivers license.
So I tell my dad that we are going home as J is upset.

Him and J start talking about it.....J says he wil take my car and that I can stay there..and that's when everything went pear shaped.
My dad just started screaming "I lost my wife 2 weeks ago so don't push me J, you don't know what its like to lose a wife so don't push me" and he goes on...and I swear something snapped. I have NEVER seen my dad so angry!! I thought he was going to have a heart attack on the spot...he was completely irrational! He was crazed!

I tell J to get the hell away from my dad as I am physically trying to keep my dad away from J.
J eventually gets the message and dissapears.

My dad goes insane..I have NEVER EVER seen ANYONE like my dad was last night. EVER.
He goes inside and starts pacing and throwing things and punching cupboards...Lem is screaming at my dad to calm down and "not hurt her daddy". I tried to get her out the house but she refused to go as we didn't know where J was.

My dad then pulls out his gun...he grabs the photo of my mom we had on her coffin and starts screaming that he will be with her soon..but she mustn't worry he is taking J with him. I start screaming at him to put the gun down and I try get Lem out the house but she wont leave me.

He is walking around the house with his gun screaming that he wants to be with my mom and that he cant deal with this shit anymore..and that J just pushed him to far.

I call my aunt (my dads sister) and I stand at the door so that my dad does not go looking for J.
After about 20 mins my aunt and cousin arrive and my aunt managed to calm my dad down. She told me last night that I have a choice to make...either I stay with J in my own house or I leave him and go stay with my dad. She says (and I agree) that my dad and J will never, ever be able to live together.

So - I am now in a lovely situation aren't I? I have my daughter traumatized and I have to choose between J and my dad. I know for those of you that have been following my blog it should be an easy decision but for some reason it isn't.

My aunt says I should do whats right firstly for my children..then for me. That my dad is big enough to look after himself and if I move there I will be his nursemaid.
My dad tells me to ignore my aunt.

I went to see my dad today and he tells me that if I don't move in there he will sell everything and move somewhere - no one will no where and he'll just wait to die.

So now add emotional blackmail to the list.

I swear I have NO fucking idea what to do now. NO idea. My gut feel is NOT to move in with my dad...keep my kids in their schools..near their friends.
But then my dad is going to think I am turning my back on him.

There is NO way I can win in this situation!

AND...not only am I haunted by seeing my mom struggle for her life those last few hours..but I am now haunted by the look in my dads eyes last night.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Friday, September 11, 2009

My final words to my mommy....

I know I haven't updated in a while, things have been so hectic and I haven't really been able to talk too much about my mom without getting too emotional. Please forgive the long post.

My moms funeral was on Monday, and it was a truly beautiful service! I felt so at peace afterwards...although throughout I was rather emotional - as was my dad. We were sitting in the front row and my moms coffin was right next to us, it was still unreal to it wasn't happening? I delivered a eulogy and after I spoke we played my moms favourite song - You'll never walk alone by Gerry and the pacemakers. That song will from now always be a favourite of mine.

My brother and I went to view my mom's body in the morning - I persuaded my dad not to go as I don't think he would have handled it. My mom looked so beautiful, so at peace. When she first went into hospital my dad was in such a tizz he hadn't packed anything for her - so I stopped at Woolies and I bought her new pyjamas and slippers and bath goodies. She never got to wear the nightdress I had bought - thats what we chose to dress her in in her casket. She looked so pretty.

The only friend of mine that made it to the funeral was Jeanette. I didn't see her before the service, only after. And when I saw her I gave her a great big hug and started crying. You know there were so many people there for "us" - as a family. But Jeanette was there for ME. It made such a difference! Jeanette thank you so much for caring enough for me to be there - I know how busy you are and you'll never know how much I appreciate you being there! I'll never forget that!

I'm not going to paste my whole eulogy - there were a lot of thankyou's, lol. This was what I said about my mom:

href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CTanya%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml">Dynamite comes in small packages is such a cliché but so apt when speaking about my mom. She was a tiny little thing but she packed a mighty punch.

My mom was so well loved by everyone, she was always the life of any function, ready to hit the dancefloor or liven up the conversation with a joke. She had an awesome, and sometimes naughty sense of humour. Even I blushed at times.

My mom was an amazing cook..boy could she cook!! She could honestly make something amazing out of the bare essentials. My mom would look at a picture in a recipe book and produce the same dish, without even reading the recipe. And often sent little bakkies of food with my dad to work for me – she knew exactly which of her dishes were my favourites. Even after the 5 years of chefs training that I had could I not make fried chicken like she did.

My mom was so artistic and creative, sewed 90% of her own clothes – she always used the excuse that nothing in the shops fitted her properly as she was so tiny..but I know she loved it. She even made my wedding dress and I was so proud to wear MY dress. That MY mom made.

Dad – you and mom were married 47 yrs - you did everything together , you were two peas in a pod. There was never a John without a Maureen. Dad I promise I am going to be there for you s much as I can. And I ask the same from your friends, to please not forget about my dad in a week, in month.

My mom was selfless. She so often went without in order for my dad, Fabian or myself to have something we wanted. Not even needed. She ALWAYS put us first, unconditionally. That wasn’t even a question in her mind. It’s just how it was.

Mom I am going to miss you so much. I am going to miss your laugh, I am going to miss our skelm smokes when you thought dad wasn’t watching, I am going to miss sharing my daughters milestones with you. I am going to miss your cooking, I am going to miss your advice. My daughters are going to miss their nana.

Mom watching you struggle those last few days was the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. I know you are in a better place now and will always be watching over us. I promise to look after dad as well as I can. I promise to never let my daughters forget you and I promise to be the kind of wife and mother that you were – always putting my family first.

Good bye mom, until we meet again.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

My mommy is gone....

Last night just after 6 the hospital called me and said my moms blood gasses were extremely high and we were to get there asap as it didnt look good. I met my dad and brother there just after 7. We saw my mom and we were told she is now on the maximum adrenaline they can give to keep her heart going and that her blood gasses were so high it indicated massive organ failure and they didn't expect her to make it through the night. We sat with her talking, watching her struggling until just before 12. We decided to go lie down in the the visitors lounge for us all, incl my mom to get some rest. My dad the whole time still hoping for a miracle. Just a small indication she was still going to be ok.
My dad refused to leave her. Just after 12.30 my aunt woke me and said she was leaving so I walked her out. On the way up I stopped at my mom and the sister said she was taking blankets and pillows for us and my dad was in the lounge.
I sat with my mom for about 15 minutes, till just before 1. She was still struggling. I told her how much I loved her and I so badly wanted her to come home.
I left her just before 1.
At 1.30 the nurses came to wake us and told her her heart rate was really low..when we got there her heart was beating at a beat a minute, until it just couldnt anymore and she flatlined.
We held my moms hand as she died.
You know we had been watching those machines so closely for the last month - hoping, praying they would one by one be taken away.
Last night at 1.30 they were.

My mom looked so at peace - finally free of the struggle to live.

My dad is not taking it well at all. He is honestly falling apart and I dont know how to help him. I dont know how he is going to cope being alone in that house when my brother goes back to Oz.

Today while helping him tidy up I found a dress my mom had started sewing for Saige that I am going to finish. As well as an outfit for Lem. Watching my dad unpack her hospital bag was also so hard.

The funeral is on Monday and I honestly don't know how my dad is going to get through it. My heart so goes out to him right now. He cant even get through a phone call without having to pass me the phone. I just pray he finds the courage and strength to get through this, one day at a time.