Going to my happy place...

before I shove a rolling pin up someones ass!! OR a fucking playstation. Or maybe both!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I must admit this is a bit of a *brag* post.

I have been trying for years and years to lose at least 20kg's. Then I discovered Simply Slim. Lol. I know there is a lot of controversy surrounding this product right now...but honestly? For me it works!!!! See!!!!!

This is me in September 2009 at 103kg's - I started Simply Slim in October.



This is me now, at 91kg's :) :)





I am totally totally thrilled!! I have dropped from a size 24 to a 18 - and I can SO see me being in a 14 in a few months time!! I never ever thought I could do it!
I am fitting into clothes I havent worn in 4-5 years. Lol some even still have the tags on!

This is whats keeping me happy right now :) The fact that I *almost* like what I see in the mirror :)

I'm hoping to be down another size by the end of Feb, and hopefully in a 14 by March :) :)

Woo hooooo then its shopping time :) :)

(ps - my rant at the beginning was because I got home from work at 8.30pm as it was my month end and the f**khead hadnt even given the girls dinner yet!!!)
BUT, I'm not thinking about that right now.

I'm going to my happy place.......

Just a little something every day.....

Everyday just a little something happens that gives the resolve to keep going.

Forgive me for a bit of a rant...but my blog is my place to do it right now, lol. Its keeping me sane. AND when I do have that small niggle of doubt, I come back here and read back....just for a dose of "you are doing the right thing".

Last night I wanted to spend 20 mins with Lem going through her homework, I asked him please just to watch Saige so I could spend that time with Lem. Too much trouble.

This morning after I had been running around for an hour trying to get everyone up and out the house he stood there with his hands in his pockets asking where Saige's jersey and shoes were. Umm..you have two hands?

This afternoon I was stuck in REALLY bad traffic and I was hadn't even fetched him from work @ 5.30 - I was supposed to be at Lem by 5.30 already and Saige by 6. I had to make frantic calls to get both kids picked up by friends as I can't rely on him now can I?

This evening because we were late the whole evening was a rush. But obviously him playing his playstation was faaar more important.

For months I have been asking for small things around the house to be fixed, my kitchen drawers, the bathroom door lock, the soap dish , the towel rail. Well, I'll be hiring Jeanettes hubby to do all that for me.

And you know what? I'm not really that upset. He's just digging himself deeper into the whole!!!

And ladies...lol....I'll be having a "Thank you for supporting me" and a "He's finally gone" dinner :) Appropriate? probably not (the "he's finally gone" bit lol). Necessary? Definitely!

Will keep you posted :)

Ok - don't panic !!!

Ok - saw my attourney again this morning. I gave him the final details to include in the settlement agreement. This afternoon just before 4 I recieved the rough draft.

OMG its finally happening! J could be served by the end of the week! He has no idea. None. He honestly thinks that things are just fine! Funny enough we have been getting along really well...but thats because I view him now as a friend rather then a husband and quite frankly don't give a shit ! lol.

But OMG...I'm feeling all sorts of things now. Empowered, fear, relieved, fear, anticipation, fear, apprehension, fear,joy,fear. Did I mention I was scared?? lol.

oh G*d please let me be doing the right thing and give me the courage to go through with it if I am!!!

The BIGGEST surprise today!!!!

(lol about my FB status)

Ok I'm so excited I could just start rambling off here but for the benefit of those of you that don't know the story I will start at the beginning.

I was adopted as a baby - a newborn. I basically always knew that I was adopted, I grew up knowing that I was a *special baby* lol. That my mom *chose* me. When I was old enough to understand she explained the whole adoption trip to me. Fabian and I are both adopted actually.

Anyway, when I was about 16/18 my brother asked my mom for his papers (lol sounds like a dog) as he wanted to know where she came from. She gave mine to me too as she thought I wanted to know. I did...but I didn't if you know what I mean. I read through the papers and one thing stuck in my head..I have two older brothers !! I read thier names and they have been indelibly etched in my mind since then.

I have googled, yahoo'd and searched every possible chat program I have EVER chatted on - as you never know right?
But nothing.
Until September 2008.

J was away in Amsterdam on business and I was on FB. I searched Facebook for the one brother - and I had a hit on his name.Now bear in mind they are Czechoslovakian so its not like I am searching for a John Smith - lol. Finding someone with the right surname and first name? Chances are its the right one.
But..I couldnt be sure

The next day I asked my mom to fax me my papers...I check the birthdate...100% Match!

So - I send a friend request, he accepts and we start chatting. To cut a long story short I eventually told him who I was. He was shocked, understandably. So we chatted for a few months via email and FB. December 2008 he leaves FB.
Gone
Doesnt reply to my mails.
I have sent loads of mails - but no reply.

TODAY - I open my email and I get a friend request from the Older Brother!!!!

See!:

January 17 at 4:13pm
Hi Tanya, you dont know me but my name is ***** **** and have been just told that you might be my sister. I,m sure that you might be shocked by this but maybe not as you already know about me. If this is all true could you getb in touch with me as would love to hear from you. I just hope i haven,t freaked you out in anyway and hope to hear from you asap, regards *****.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I swear my heart stopped!! You have NO idea of the longing I have felt for years to get to know them!!!

M and I chatted for about 2 hours! he was crying , I was crying lol. He was about 7 when I was given up ....and he always had a feeling in his gut that something was amiss but his mom never admitted it.
Now he knows.
And he is happy! He cant wait to get to know me and hopefully fly me out to Perth soon to meet.
He owns race horses - and he said I am now an aunt to a 10 yr old boy. Lol imagine that!

The other brother (also M!) lol only told him today. They had a family fight lol and havent spoken for a while. He looked me up straight away and there we go!

Wierd part? He is in Perth...literally two mins drive from Fabian - my brother! haha I can see this being confusing!

So, WOW, That was my day!

You can't be serious!!

So - lol - things are still a tad crazy for me my end. I haven't posted as I needed to make a few final decisions and I wanted to make them un-jaded...lol is that even a word?

J has come up with a solution to save our Marriage!!!! *giggle*

Wanna hear it?

Well - he thinks I am very stressed due to my job - the rush in the mornings to drop everyone off an get to work on time. The rush in the afternoon to get everyone picked up on time. The rush in the evenings to get everything done on time and the kids to bed at a reasonable time. The fact that I REALLY want to get a business started but don't have the time.

So?? His solution is for me to resign and be a stay-at-home-trying-to-start-a-business mom !!
Yaaay so I get to do all the things I am doing now PLUS try get my business going!

And he ups his game how???????

Haven't quite figured that out yet! haha

So he has a solution! yay! Does that solution involve HIM becoming more involved in our families activities or helping me more with the kids etc? Noooo if anything it just gives him license to do even less around here!

He seems sincere when he believes our marriage can be saved and he really does not understand why I am not taking him up on his offer.

Sorry bud, the offers about 5 years to late!!

THEN there is the Maintenance issue - friends I am in for a fight, pls send all the extra energy you can - I'm going to need it!

Stop the world I wanna get off....

So today I received another *you're doing the wrong thing* email from J.

I don't understand how this mans mind works?? HE was the one that told me to get the divorce, repeatedly over the last year. HE was the one that said he won't get his license because "He hopes I'll finally leave him".

And now? Heres a quoted excerpt from the mail...

Anyways, I’ll say this for the last time, I do think we can make it work, I do worry about you and the kids on your own, I will make sure you are not financially sabotaged (I think u know that) and will even give more than asked for….even though I sometimes say the opposite…but if this is really what you want and there’s no way to change your mind, then I’ll accept it…

About see’ng the lawyer with you, its really not necessary, I’ll sign any reasonable agreement that has reasonable reference to the large debt and home equity, basically everything else (incl. the car you can have)…

My reply????

You know every time I think about it and wonder if I am doing the right thing, I think of Lem and Saige growing up and thinking that *this* is how marriage is.

I think of the last time we fought where **************. Where you*************
With Lem screaming at you to stop it.
With Lem screaming and crying for me to go to the police.

I can’t do that anymore.
That was the last time.

I’m stopping it now before Saige is standing next to Lem screaming the same.
I don’t want that for them
And I don’t want that for us anymore.

So my answer J is yes, this is still what I want. This is what I believe is best for us right now, while we are still young enough to both find the companion that we can’t find in each other.

So its 2010 :)

I've taken a bit of a break but ready to get back into the swing of things! 2010 - Let it be a fabulous year for us all! Heck it will take a lot to be worse then last year wont it!

To be honest I am glad December is over and I can just get on with things now!

Christmas was ok. Lol. Just ok.
My dad was very down the whole day, to be expected I know. I had my moments but tried to have the best day I could for the kids. J? Played playstation the WHOLE day *rolly eyes*

Lol here are some of my best snaps of the day:











New Years was actually not bad at all! My dad and I went to Emperors Palace as we wanted to take the girls to see the Garden of Lights. The girls had a fabulous time! We went to the Spur for dinner and then got home just in time to crack the champers and toast in the New Years.

Lol New Years does however make me cringe..I did something really really stupid and may have messed up an awesome friendship I had with someone *arghhhh*. And yes, it is a guy. I will give more details later.

Another bit of news is that my dad is going to sign as surety on me taking my house over *yaaaaaaay me* !!! SO I dont have to move :) :) After the divorce I will be keeping my little housie :) I am so stoked I can't even tell you!!! My house isnt much, but its mine and I love it and I don't want to lose it!

Before I go I just have to share this last bit too :)

I am busy researching suppliers to import a specific component that I want to make into a certain jewellry item (lol can't say too much just yet)

Check my horoscope from FB for today

Your Daily Horoscope: January 5, 2010
Cancer Jun. 21 - Jul 22 (Wrong Sign?)
We do live in a material world, Cancer, and today you are a shining example of how beautiful it can be. It's possible that you are doing something creative, or that you are focusing on the quality of something you are buying. The image for you is actually of jewelry, but it is important that you not overextend your resources or bite off more than you can chew just because of an extravagant moment. This is a good day for making aesthetic choices, but it is not a good day for spending or speculating.

How is that??????????????? lol this is just WAY too wierd for me now!!