Thursday, October 15, 2009

I'm getting a bit tired of this now

HOnestly the way I feel right now I could just get in my car and f*k off for a few days..with my cell switched off.

I'm losing the plot a bit.
I'm still jammed in the middle between my dad and J. My dad calls me every morning in tears about how lonely he is, that he cant go on in that house by himself.

I have one big problem..and that is I don't tolerate weakness in other people very well. I understand what he is going through, I really do..but right now I feel like telling him to grow a pair of balls!

I know it sounds awful...I feel awful when I think it but its just how I feel right now.
Maybe its because he is asking me 3/4/5 times a day if we are still going to move there. Him and J had a long talk on Saturday and Jason said NO, not now. Maybe in a year but not now.
So now where does this leave me?
I move in with my dad out of up hating it and I damage my relationship with him.
I DONT move in...something happens to him I feel guilty the rest of my life.

I am so torn between what I feel for my dad and what I don't feel for J.
I honestly dont know what to do? J says I need to put myself first - and make a decision based on that. BUT..I am putting my kids first. And what a crappy mother I am..I cant decide what the best thing for them will be?

In a conversation I had with my dad during the week I told him he had two choices. Live or Die. If he wanted to die - great..he must keep doing what he is doing. Not eating, sleeping. Moping around. Crying all day. I told him that my mom would NOT have wanted that for him and she would kick his ass right now if he could.
I told him if he wanted to Live then thats what he had to start doing. He has to force himself to do things he doesnt feel like doing in order to start coming right. He works at a golf course and the guys are always asking him to bring his clubs..he never does..because he "doesnt feel like it". He loved golf! But now he says it reminds him of my mom. EVERYTHING reminds him of my mom. But he has to start getting better sooner or later doesnt he?

Monday, October 5, 2009

Where we are a week later...

I am totally exhausted if I must be honest. Running two homes is not the easiest...I haven't had a weekend to myself in months now. I feel bad complaining but right now I would kill just for one weekend where I didnt have to do laundry, cooking and cleaning in two homes.

My dad is still pressurising me about moving in there. J is still saying NO. So, I am still the meat in the sandwich and quite honestly I have no idea what to do. My heart and my head are having a fight they do this quite often.

If I could choose? I wouldnt be with either of them.

My dad started counselling today with a lady I found - she seems pretty good. I chatted to her on email a bit before my dad went to see her today. Although I had suggested to my dad two weeks ago he go see someone..he said No. His best friend AND sister suggested it, he said NO> My brother calls and suggested it - he says to me "Your brother speaks a lot of sense, he suggested I go see someone so I will" *rolls eyes* lol.

He is still not doing well at all. He calls me 6/8/10 times a day in tears because something reminded him of my mom. When I am at his house on the weekends he cries constantly and keeps saying he can't live on his own. A part of me wants to shake him and tell him that he CAN do it, that he needs to stop thinking he can't - but hopefully the therapist will help him with that.

I know my blog has been about nothing else over the last two months, but quite frankly there is nothing else going on right now that I can blog Hopefully that will change soon!