Thursday, October 15, 2009

I'm getting a bit tired of this now

HOnestly the way I feel right now I could just get in my car and f*k off for a few days..with my cell switched off.

I'm losing the plot a bit.
I'm still jammed in the middle between my dad and J. My dad calls me every morning in tears about how lonely he is, that he cant go on in that house by himself.

I have one big problem..and that is I don't tolerate weakness in other people very well. I understand what he is going through, I really do..but right now I feel like telling him to grow a pair of balls!

I know it sounds awful...I feel awful when I think it but its just how I feel right now.
Maybe its because he is asking me 3/4/5 times a day if we are still going to move there. Him and J had a long talk on Saturday and Jason said NO, not now. Maybe in a year but not now.
So now where does this leave me?
I move in with my dad out of guilt..land up hating it and I damage my relationship with him.
I DONT move in...something happens to him I feel guilty the rest of my life.

I am so torn between what I feel for my dad and what I don't feel for J.
I honestly dont know what to do? J says I need to put myself first - and make a decision based on that. BUT..I am putting my kids first. And what a crappy mother I am..I cant decide what the best thing for them will be?

In a conversation I had with my dad during the week I told him he had two choices. Live or Die. If he wanted to die - great..he must keep doing what he is doing. Not eating, sleeping. Moping around. Crying all day. I told him that my mom would NOT have wanted that for him and she would kick his ass right now if he could.
I told him if he wanted to Live then thats what he had to start doing. He has to force himself to do things he doesnt feel like doing in order to start coming right. He works at a golf course and the guys are always asking him to bring his clubs..he never does..because he "doesnt feel like it". He loved golf! But now he says it reminds him of my mom. EVERYTHING reminds him of my mom. But he has to start getting better sooner or later doesnt he?

6 comments:

Jenty said...

(((HUGS))) I have no idea what to suggest... no clue at all

Gillian said...

*hugs*

Lau and Quin said...

Just a suggestion:

1. Your Dad: If your dad continues to try and guilt you into moving in with him you will resent him for the entire time that you stay with him. You mentioned a little while ago that your brother (according to your dad’s perception) had convinced him to go to counselling. Perhaps it would be a good idea to tell your dad how you feel during a counselling session so that 1: the kids are not there & 2: you have the counsellor as a sort of back-up. Children remember the smallest things from their childhood that scare them or make them feel sad.
2. J: He seems to have said one of the most unselfish things, ”J says I need to put myself first - and make a decision based on that”. The reason why this is such good advice is because you can not be a good mother unless you can feel good inside your soul. Ultimately you will do what is best for your children too but you can not do that when you have a “power struggle” going on between the two men in your life and internal conflict that could tear you apart and you feel this guilt and duty.

Where are you in all this?
You have friends out there who given half the chance would help you in any way they could. That help won’t necessarily come in monetary form but any help will be good, even a willing ear.

To be a good daughter you need to give your father the space to live his life even if he does not realise this right now. It’s what I did for my mom, I had to let go and not continue to try and convince myself that we had to take care of her. Yes it is more difficult when it comes to a man. We all take care of our husbands in varying degrees and when we are not there anymore it can be quite a shock.

Finally, maybe you should consider counselling for you too... It is so difficult to come to terms with the fact that someone you loved so much is not there anymore. Personally, my dad and I sadly only bonded properly last year October and in November he wasn’t there anymore... It hurts.

Wenchy said...

saying hello.

Karen Daly said...

Hi dear Tanya

what a dilemma, but I think your friend have a point. You cannot be a good mother without feeling good about yourself. So make the decision that is right for YOU and not everyone else. Then you will be happy and content and your needs met and will be able to GIVE out from that point to others and what their needs are. God loves you so much, don't ever devalue yourself, you are one of his amazing children.... and when you are weak, He is able.... reach out to him...
lots of love, hugs and prayers will be said for you.
Karen

angel said...

Oy... I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time.

[[[HUGS]]]