Sunday, September 27, 2009

I almost lost my dad too....

The night my mom died was the worst of my life. Last night came in a close second.

I'm still trying to process everything that happened..so perhaps if I start from the beginning it will help.

We stay at my dads place on weekends as we were planning on moving in there in December so my dad wouldnt have to be alone - and there is a LOT of work to be done in that house before we can.

So last night J makes plans to go see some friends not too far from where my dads house is. At 5 last night my dad says he doesn't want me driving out..he will take J and if J cant get a lift back will go fetch him. Great.

My dad, myself and my children go to my Aunts (my moms sister) for dinner. While there my dad says "stuff it, J must find his own way home..or he can sleep there and he'll go fetch him in the morning". So I sms J and tell him..he says fine, he will get his own way home.

When my dad and I get home from my Aunts J is already there..he had to catch a taxi and walk some of the way...he says he doesn't want to stay over at my dads as he is upset..and would rather go home. Now remember J doesnt have a drivers license.
So I tell my dad that we are going home as J is upset.

Him and J start talking about it.....J says he wil take my car and that I can stay there..and that's when everything went pear shaped.
My dad just started screaming "I lost my wife 2 weeks ago so don't push me J, you don't know what its like to lose a wife so don't push me" and he goes on...and I swear something snapped. I have NEVER seen my dad so angry!! I thought he was going to have a heart attack on the spot...he was completely irrational! He was crazed!

I tell J to get the hell away from my dad as I am physically trying to keep my dad away from J.
J eventually gets the message and dissapears.

My dad goes insane..I have NEVER EVER seen ANYONE like my dad was last night. EVER.
He goes inside and starts pacing and throwing things and punching cupboards...Lem is screaming at my dad to calm down and "not hurt her daddy". I tried to get her out the house but she refused to go as we didn't know where J was.

My dad then pulls out his gun...he grabs the photo of my mom we had on her coffin and starts screaming that he will be with her soon..but she mustn't worry he is taking J with him. I start screaming at him to put the gun down and I try get Lem out the house but she wont leave me.

He is walking around the house with his gun screaming that he wants to be with my mom and that he cant deal with this shit anymore..and that J just pushed him to far.

I call my aunt (my dads sister) and I stand at the door so that my dad does not go looking for J.
After about 20 mins my aunt and cousin arrive and my aunt managed to calm my dad down. She told me last night that I have a choice to make...either I stay with J in my own house or I leave him and go stay with my dad. She says (and I agree) that my dad and J will never, ever be able to live together.

So - I am now in a lovely situation aren't I? I have my daughter traumatized and I have to choose between J and my dad. I know for those of you that have been following my blog it should be an easy decision but for some reason it isn't.

My aunt says I should do whats right firstly for my children..then for me. That my dad is big enough to look after himself and if I move there I will be his nursemaid.
My dad tells me to ignore my aunt.

I went to see my dad today and he tells me that if I don't move in there he will sell everything and move somewhere - no one will no where and he'll just wait to die.

So now add emotional blackmail to the list.

I swear I have NO fucking idea what to do now. NO idea. My gut feel is NOT to move in with my dad...keep my kids in their schools..near their friends.
But then my dad is going to think I am turning my back on him.

There is NO way I can win in this situation!

AND...not only am I haunted by seeing my mom struggle for her life those last few hours..but I am now haunted by the look in my dads eyes last night.

8 comments:

Corey~living and loving said...

I'm just gonna say, "HOLY CRAP!" and Corey doesn't say stuff like that.

WOW girl....you do not deserve this mess. Your dad is suffering, and needs help. Your children are NOT safe there until he does.

AS for staying with hubby....I know it is a process you are going through, and I hope in the end, you find what is right for you and your girls.

regardless....hugs, because you need them.

supermom said...

I'm So sorry. That must have been SO scary for you to witness. I agree that you must live YOUR life. What happened to your dad is terrible. It is unimaginable but you still primarily have to live your life and then be there for your Dad

JaneW said...

wow Tanya that is just awful. I have no advice. But (((HUGS))). I am thinking of you.

Jenty said...

Oh hell Tanya, I don't know what I would do either. But I do agree with your aunt, they cannot live in the same house.
But I must say this... what your dad did scares me. Poor Lem! Can't believe he did that in front of her!! That was VERY unfair.
(((HUGS)))

Gillian said...

You cannot make a decision while your dad is blackmailing you. You have to do what is right your YOUR little family.

Wenchy said...

I think your dad is clearly depressed, stressed... and mourning the death of his wife... although it is scary and his behavior odd and unlike himself.. what he is dealing with is also horrible. I'd cut him some slack.

You are NOT responsible for your father, so if you choose your husband and your father chooses to cut you off... that is his mistake to make... THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY YOUR CHOISE you know.

Natacha said...

Unfortunately only you will be able to make the choice as to what will be best for you and your family.

Someone will get hurt, but you are not to blame. You need to decide what is important for you and your babies, and you also need to realise that you are only responsible for you and your babies.

And yes, I know, it is easier said than done!

(((((((((hugs)))))))))))

colleensevitz said...

T, in your dad's defense, he knows what you have been through with J in the past - this, coupled with losing your mom made him snap. He probably thinks that he is protecting you by threatening you.

Hope you manage to sort this mess out :(