The night my mom died was the worst of my life. Last night came in a close second.
I'm still trying to process everything that happened..so perhaps if I start from the beginning it will help.
We stay at my dads place on weekends as we were planning on moving in there in December so my dad wouldnt have to be alone - and there is a LOT of work to be done in that house before we can.
So last night J makes plans to go see some friends not too far from where my dads house is. At 5 last night my dad says he doesn't want me driving out..he will take J and if J cant get a lift back will go fetch him. Great.
My dad, myself and my children go to my Aunts (my moms sister) for dinner. While there my dad says "stuff it, J must find his own way home..or he can sleep there and he'll go fetch him in the morning". So I sms J and tell him..he says fine, he will get his own way home.
When my dad and I get home from my Aunts J is already there..he had to catch a taxi and walk some of the way...he says he doesn't want to stay over at my dads as he is upset..and would rather go home. Now remember J doesnt have a drivers license.
So I tell my dad that we are going home as J is upset.
Him and J start talking about it.....J says he wil take my car and that I can stay there..and that's when everything went pear shaped.
My dad just started screaming "I lost my wife 2 weeks ago so don't push me J, you don't know what its like to lose a wife so don't push me" and he goes on...and I swear something snapped. I have NEVER seen my dad so angry!! I thought he was going to have a heart attack on the spot...he was completely irrational! He was crazed!
I tell J to get the hell away from my dad as I am physically trying to keep my dad away from J.
J eventually gets the message and dissapears.
My dad goes insane..I have NEVER EVER seen ANYONE like my dad was last night. EVER.
He goes inside and starts pacing and throwing things and punching cupboards...Lem is screaming at my dad to calm down and "not hurt her daddy". I tried to get her out the house but she refused to go as we didn't know where J was.
My dad then pulls out his gun...he grabs the photo of my mom we had on her coffin and starts screaming that he will be with her soon..but she mustn't worry he is taking J with him. I start screaming at him to put the gun down and I try get Lem out the house but she wont leave me.
He is walking around the house with his gun screaming that he wants to be with my mom and that he cant deal with this shit anymore..and that J just pushed him to far.
I call my aunt (my dads sister) and I stand at the door so that my dad does not go looking for J.
After about 20 mins my aunt and cousin arrive and my aunt managed to calm my dad down. She told me last night that I have a choice to make...either I stay with J in my own house or I leave him and go stay with my dad. She says (and I agree) that my dad and J will never, ever be able to live together.
So - I am now in a lovely situation aren't I? I have my daughter traumatized and I have to choose between J and my dad. I know for those of you that have been following my blog it should be an easy decision but for some reason it isn't.
My aunt says I should do whats right firstly for my children..then for me. That my dad is big enough to look after himself and if I move there I will be his nursemaid.
My dad tells me to ignore my aunt.
I went to see my dad today and he tells me that if I don't move in there he will sell everything and move somewhere - no one will no where and he'll just wait to die.
So now add emotional blackmail to the list.
I swear I have NO fucking idea what to do now. NO idea. My gut feel is NOT to move in with my dad...keep my kids in their schools..near their friends.
But then my dad is going to think I am turning my back on him.
There is NO way I can win in this situation!
AND...not only am I haunted by seeing my mom struggle for her life those last few hours..but I am now haunted by the look in my dads eyes last night.