Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Its Over....

I dont even know where to begin with this post as so much has happened the last few days.

For those that have seen my FB lately they will know that P and I are no longer together. It came as much as a shock to me as anyone else. I honestly thought that he was the one. My knight in shining armour.

This post is more about trying to sort this all out in my head and try make sense of what actually happened.

The story goes back to around October last year when I found out P had been having "conversations" with a woman on FB. And they weren't exactly talking about the weather if you know what I mean.

My trust in P took a serious knock right about then. I became naturally suspicious of him - as he worked from home he was online at home the whole day. I became so supicious in fact I installed a monitoring programe on his pc - similar to what you use to monitor your childrens usage. I am ashamed of this but I just had to know what was going on.

I found out via the screen shots taken by this program that he was indeed talking to another woman. I cant even tell you what that did to me. I lost all trust in him right then. I knew I would never completely trust him again.

Fast forward to this last Thursday - I got a summons that the bank are repossessing the investment property that J and I still own together as J has not been paying his share of the bond.

So Friday I have an argument with J about the summons, he refuses point blank to pay anything. He then starts an argument with P - sending emails and sms's that were quite frankly VERY below the belt. P decides he is leaving me, thats it, he cant take any more. I dont fight it as quite frankly he should not have to take that and I can not stop J. P has had to put with a heck of a lot at J's hands and everyone has a breaking point.
I went out to a friend as he wanted to pack in peace. I got home later that night to find him passed out on my couch and he had left his FB open. And guess what??? A message from HER. About how much she loves him.

Thats when I lost it and woke him up - i told him if he wanted her he can have her. I have NO interest in him whatsoever anymore.

He left my house the following morning. I then sent that woman a msg and wasnt so nice about what I had to say - turns out P has made me out to be a real gem! I use him as a glorified baby sitter, I dont give him whats rightfully his, I dont give him any money (ummmm..he wasnt earning any!) I need a personality transplant...and so on. You get the picture. And he did tell her he needed to work on mine and his relationship - but he got hold of her a few weeks ago again - he was in love with her and couldnt get her out of his head.

I decided right then and there thats it. I cant do this anymore. I told him to get out of my house. Right now he has nowhere to go. He asked to sleep in my shed - he has asked for spare change. But I cant do it. He is blaming me for everything - blaming my "relationship" with J, blaming it on the kids, you name it.

He told me that I have done to him what I couldnt do to J and that I hope he was worth it. So I asked if she was worth it. He said "Yes, at least she listened"

So he can go sleep in her shed. Oh wait. She's in the UK. Well? too bad. I honestly feel like a monster - BUT - I cant take him back. Not now.

In the future? I dont know. I dont know if I will ever ever trust him again.

But now that I read all of that.....is that really enough to end a relationship over? Really enough to kick someone out that has no where to go?
Could there ever be a chance at happiness for us again?

My head and my heart are at war. My head is saying let him go. You can never trust him. My heart is saying but you love him. He did love you. He did show it.

I dont know. I just don't know

9 comments:

Laura said...

Gosh I somehow missed all of this on FB :(

Sorry Tanya! I want to say try and work it out but really my friend - you deserve more. You KNOW this!!!!!

Noone has the right to be disrespectful to you - EVER no matter how angry or hurt.

A Daft Scots Lass said...

You don't need Arsehole #2. Kickin' him to the kerb was the right thing to do. You made no promises to him.

Hayley said...

Oh no...I am so sorry. I agree with Laura, you deserve more. The exact same thing is happening with a friend of mine.

Its heartbreaking...but you will get through this, take it one day at a time.

Thinking of you ....

rememberwhenwewereyoung said...

Tanya what would P do if this girl lived in SA? Would he be asking you to take him back or would he have moved in with her already?

You don’t deserve to be second best. I don’t think he is worth it especially if it’s not the 1st time.

I’m so sorry you have to go through this.

Corey~living and loving said...

heck YES...this is enough to end a relationship over. You deserve so much better. ♥

Jenty said...

I clearly missed this on FB!! I had an inkling though that it wasn't all rosy. He doesn't deserve you, he really doesn't... if he's sexting other women.

Lea White said...

Hello,

You don't know me and I have only just stumbled upon your blog. My heart absolutely goes out to you for the challenges you have been facing and have had to deal with. As a child my dad was a bit like that with my mum. They divorced when I was 8 and he committed suicide a week before my 10th birthday. He cheated on her - the "other woman" knocked on our door one day and asked my mum if he ever talks about her. He would take the car to pick up the other woman and her kid on a cold winters day and my mum would be forced to walk with me and my brother to get to school and work. He blamed everything on her and the fact that she worked, so she stayed at home and then he blamed the fact that we had less money on her staying at home. So in that respect I can relate a little bit to the fear, anxiety and devastation you might be feeling at times. I want to say this to you - hang in there! As kids we learned to be strong from my mum. There were many times when she struggled financially, but we were loved and we learned that there was more to life than just money. Even today I refuse to buy things just for the sake of buying and if we cannot afford anything then we simply don't buy it. We learned a lot of good values from my mum.

I believe there will come a day that you will look back and realise how strong you have been and how far you have come.

Some quotes that mean a lot to me:

You can't choose what happens in life, but you can choose how you handle it! (this became my motto in 2007)

If it wasn't for the dark, how would you see the stars? (Quote by bereaved sibling and published in the CCF Sharing magazine)

Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it's the quiet voice at the end of the day gently saying "I will try again tomorrow" - Maryanne Radanbacher

ForeverLovedSouthernWoman said...

There is no reason for him to do that . He his a piece of .... for trying to pin his faults on someone else. Maybe in the future y'all will work it out but Id say for now hes not worth it . You deserve so much better then someone that is willing to do that to you . Whats ur fb?

cat said...

Girl, you deserve more than this lose.