I dont even know where to begin with this post as so much has happened the last few days.
For those that have seen my FB lately they will know that P and I are no longer together. It came as much as a shock to me as anyone else. I honestly thought that he was the one. My knight in shining armour.
This post is more about trying to sort this all out in my head and try make sense of what actually happened.
The story goes back to around October last year when I found out P had been having "conversations" with a woman on FB. And they weren't exactly talking about the weather if you know what I mean.
My trust in P took a serious knock right about then. I became naturally suspicious of him - as he worked from home he was online at home the whole day. I became so supicious in fact I installed a monitoring programe on his pc - similar to what you use to monitor your childrens usage. I am ashamed of this but I just had to know what was going on.
I found out via the screen shots taken by this program that he was indeed talking to another woman. I cant even tell you what that did to me. I lost all trust in him right then. I knew I would never completely trust him again.
Fast forward to this last Thursday - I got a summons that the bank are repossessing the investment property that J and I still own together as J has not been paying his share of the bond.
So Friday I have an argument with J about the summons, he refuses point blank to pay anything. He then starts an argument with P - sending emails and sms's that were quite frankly VERY below the belt. P decides he is leaving me, thats it, he cant take any more. I dont fight it as quite frankly he should not have to take that and I can not stop J. P has had to put with a heck of a lot at J's hands and everyone has a breaking point.
I went out to a friend as he wanted to pack in peace. I got home later that night to find him passed out on my couch and he had left his FB open. And guess what??? A message from HER. About how much she loves him.
Thats when I lost it and woke him up - i told him if he wanted her he can have her. I have NO interest in him whatsoever anymore.
He left my house the following morning. I then sent that woman a msg and wasnt so nice about what I had to say - turns out P has made me out to be a real gem! I use him as a glorified baby sitter, I dont give him whats rightfully his, I dont give him any money (ummmm..he wasnt earning any!) I need a personality transplant...and so on. You get the picture. And he did tell her he needed to work on mine and his relationship - but he got hold of her a few weeks ago again - he was in love with her and couldnt get her out of his head.
I decided right then and there thats it. I cant do this anymore. I told him to get out of my house. Right now he has nowhere to go. He asked to sleep in my shed - he has asked for spare change. But I cant do it. He is blaming me for everything - blaming my "relationship" with J, blaming it on the kids, you name it.
He told me that I have done to him what I couldnt do to J and that I hope he was worth it. So I asked if she was worth it. He said "Yes, at least she listened"
So he can go sleep in her shed. Oh wait. She's in the UK. Well? too bad. I honestly feel like a monster - BUT - I cant take him back. Not now.
In the future? I dont know. I dont know if I will ever ever trust him again.
But now that I read all of that.....is that really enough to end a relationship over? Really enough to kick someone out that has no where to go?
Could there ever be a chance at happiness for us again?
My head and my heart are at war. My head is saying let him go. You can never trust him. My heart is saying but you love him. He did love you. He did show it.
I dont know. I just don't know