Ok that may sound a bit strange, considering I was officialy divorced in May last year (I survived a year...yay me!) But the real truth is I was never "mentally" divorced.
Now that doesn't mean I wish I had stayed married - it means that I was still clinging to the hope that J and I could have had some sort of normal relationship. That we could still have a "friendship" as honestly when we were on a good wicket it was good. I wanted that so badly for the girls too. Not to have J and I at each others throats.
I was scared too to upset him incase he "up and left" like he has been threatening to do, leaving me and the girls on the streets as we can NOT survive without his maintenance.
But - I have finally realised, a year later that the less I have to do with him the better.
I have finally realised that I would rather NOT have him in my life, in any form.
He adds absolutely no value to my life and does nothing more other then cause stress for me, problems for me and P (another post needed for this one) and heartache for the girls.
What caused this turn around from my part? Well I am ashamed to say. I did something I thougth I would NEVER do.
Two weeks ago J asked if he could take Lem go-karting the one afternoon after school. I said sure. Then - on the day - the bank called to ask me when we were going to pay this months installment on the property J and I co-own (it is on the market) I told them I (my dad) had just paid R18 000 to bring it up to date and I had nothing more. They were to ask J as I just could not pay anything to wards it.
Later that day I asked J if they had called, he said yes. So I said "and??" and the response I got was:
Really, I’m not sure what to do…have the judgement made…get my share payouts in july and just leave with the other judgements…and when I come back…face all of it…just do not feel like being here anymore…
My dad just paid R17 000 two weeks ago into that place.
You KNOW there are no tenants.
Yet you just REFUSE to stand up to your responsibilities as far as that place is concerned??? Even tho by NOT doing so is in violation of a court order??
I do NOT understand it???? WTF are you trying to prove????
I don’t think you’re gonna get it until I leave and disappear for a year…and then you’ll appreciate the fact that I don’t owe u anything, not by court order, not by law, not by ethics…I wanna feel the same….so u can carry on singing the same old song…u told me to get over it, I’m over it…I’ll make the same heartless and crappy decisions you made, but ones where I benefit….so all I can really say is, get over it T…anyways, I’ll be leaving my credit card and maybe furniture city unpaid when I leave too…
I must tell you I completely flipped!! Completely!! I told him that if he could not stand up to his responsibilities then there was NO WAY he was going to see Lem that day as it was NOT his weekend.
Yup. I went there. I stooped that low. I used the kids as a pawn after promising myself I would never, ever, ever do it!
I felt so crap I called J straight away to apologise, but he wouldnt hear of it.
What followed was a barrage of sms's like this:
Say bye to them for me! I wont be seeing them again this year…note you can really be happy! I’ll go resign now…and thank you…..
From today, I wish you the worst. I have a feeling you will get what you deserve. Every miserable moment. Remember that I wished it!
You kwno what..you're a miseerable bag. gonna really laugh my ass off with all the misery you bringing onto yourself.
nothing to say? Good. Just know when shit happens, I've wished it! and soon ,when you lose everything? I'll revel in it!
I could go on but I think you get the gist. He then said he wouldnt be seeing the girls for at least a year and that he would email my bosses claiming I am harrassing him.(no sense right?)
I know I was wrong, so wrong in doing what I did, I acted out of extreme anger with no thought of the consequences.
But after I received those sms's? I had my IT at work block his email - he cant email me anymore and he hasnt even tried to contact myself or the girls on my phone.
The point of this post is finally I see how I DON'T need him. Finally I realise that him and I can NOT have any form of relationship, at all. Ever.
Finally I see that I should have mentally divorced him a year ago as well as legally.
I'm just sorry it took me so long to see it! There has been a lot of heartache and tears along this path.