Wednesday, January 26, 2011

There is never a *winner* when it comes to divorce....

I've been thinking about this quite a bit this week.

When referring to a divorce case/maintenance or custody hearing Someone always "wins". But what exactly is it that you have won?

No-one goes into a marriage wanting to be a divorcee. Wanting to seperate from the person you once could not live without.

Sometimes the fairy tale ends. It ends in Divorce.

Most will say thier divorce was amicable. Really?
I battle to understand how that can truly be the case. One party will always hold resentment towards the other for what ever transgression may have caused the divorce in the first place. Yes, the terms may have been amicable but I really doubt your feelings will be.

Everyone who knows my story thinks I am a winner by getting divorced. By getting out of an abusive (on all levels) marriage. I'm giggling to myself as I write this because I'm thinking if I was really a winner I would have seen the signs and not got married in the first place.

Yes on my day in court I "won". The marriage was ended in the way I wanted. I got the terms I wanted.
I now had the freedom to start living my life with my girls that I should have been living all along.
I had the oppurtunity to start building a life with the most wonderful man who had come into my life as if he had been sent by an angel.

Yet that came with an expensive price tag - and a sadness. Not for me.

For my girls having to live with a *twice a month if he can fit them into his schedule* dad. A dad that has withheld maintenance from me because he is so angry that I have found someone else that really knows how to treat a woman (he would have still had me had he listened for all those years)
For my girls having to see me cry because I have literally sometimes not known where the next meal is coming from. For them not being able to go to birthday parties because I can't buy presents. Heck for them not being able to have thier own parties.

For them having to listen to vague masked comments from friends and family about how much better off I am without him (confusing much?)

For them knowing that thier dad was trying to take them away from me (unsettling much?)

For me. For me wanting to still maintain some kind of a relationship with "him" (its better for everyone surely?) That I will allow myself to be drawn in only to be stabbed in the back again when "it" uses info given in casual conversation to once again kick me down. Now? I am so bitter, angry and resentful there will never be anything other then the girls between us again.

For years I heard how much better off he would be without me. How much happier he would be. How he couldnt wait to live his life as a single man.

There was a race to the finish as to who would get out first.

I "won"

Or did I ?


Laura said...

Aw man! I totally get this! TOTALLY!!!!

A Daft Scots Lass said...

He got what he wanted.
You got what you wanted.
Case Pending...

Momcat said...

I have been divorced for 14 years and only fairly recently have I started to feel truly 'separate' from the father of my kids. He has moved on and is the father of 2 small children although he didnt marry again. He always maintained contact with me and would sometimes try to get back with me. But once that trust and respect is broken it cannot be fixed again. Its funny how the men also always think they can move on with someone else but they dont want their ex wives to do so. Like a dog in a manger they dont want you but they dont want anyone else to have you either. Its almost like they consider you to be one of their possessions. I found this in my case and it seems to occur quite often.

Hayley said...

Just sending (((hugs)))

OtienoHongo said...

Hey, I hope you grow much stronger as a result of this experience! I think there is never a winner when a marriage breaks down but it also requires strength to move away from an abusive relationship. I hope those in such relationships will get inspiration from you!