Monday, July 13, 2009


Well, the protection order was served on J today. I really don't think he thought I was serious!

This is what he had to say about it:

I just accepted the protection order papers. I have read through and it’s difficult to respond in any way other than it’s obvious you are happy to move on. If you were filing for divorce, I’m not sure why you would complicate the issue by filing this protection, but it is your choice and I’ll accept it.

He doesn't understand why I could complicate the issue??
He doesn't understand why I would want to ensure mine and my childrens safety???
The only mistake I made was not doing it years ago. And I told him as much!

I spoke to my brother this morning and he is going to loan me the money to pay the attourney. I wish I could say its a relief...but I was hit with a dose of realism today.
The magnitude of what I am doing finally hit me.

The doubts are nagging me now. But everytime one rears it's head I think back to one of those times when I have been belittled, humiliated or hurt by which ever weapon was chosen by him - be it his mouth or his hand.

I am so scared my children hate me one day for taking them away from thier father.
What if Lem (Saige is too young) doesn't remember what her father did to me or to her? What if Saige grows up knowing that "mommy took me away from daddy".

What if I don't go through with this and they land up hating me for NOT taking them away?

How will I know I am doing the right thing? I think I am, but how do I really know?

I am praying for wisdom and courage to get me through this.


Fiona's photo a day said...

You are definitely doing the right thing Tanya. I was in Lem's position growing up and my only regret for my mom is that she didn't do it earlier. Your children will thank you for this one day. BIG ((Hugs)) I know its not easy :(

Laura said...

I have lots to say :) But this is your journey now. And you WILL get through it. You will doubt, you will be scared, you will cry BUT you will feel joy and freedom and safety and security!

YOU WILL! You will walk this journey - with all your friends there for you holding your hand and keeping you going!

YOU CAN do this and one day your girls will thank you Tanya! THEY WILL! There r/ship with their father is now HIS responsibility!


Jenty said...

Huge (((HUGS))) As Laura has said, we are all here for you

mywindowsill said...

like Fiona my parents stayed together and they always said "until you are old enough". as the youngest i felt such a burden and finally asked to go to boarding school (in another country) at the age of 10 just so i could get out the house and let them get it over with.
on the other hand my mom told us way too many things about what dad did and said. i would suggest that you try not to burden the kids with that. as Laura says their relationship is now his responsibility but try not to muddy it with your own experiences.

Wenchy said...

You know it is the right choice or you would net have set your foot to this path... I left my first husband who was abusive, drank toooo much and a generally not proper. My Kevin was only 4 then... Liam was 1.

If I can do it babe, so can you.


colleensevitz said...

I can only imagine how hard this must be for you Tanya. But as everyone else has said, you can do this, you are doing whats best, and you owe it to yourself to have a life. Good luck and if you need anything, just shout

Corey~living and loving said...

Thinking of you. I believe you are doing the right thing based purely on what I've read here on this blog, and if you even entertain the is probably valid.


angel said...

You've made some huge decisions, and I am sure your girls will never doubt that you did the right thing.